Today, friends, I want to share something that I have learned about feeling the feels. About letting yourself feel your feelings fully. I am spontaneously writing from my heart today… I had other things planned, and then nothing planned, and this may not be my best writing, but sometimes the message just needs to get out.
So, if you need to hear this today, or know of anyone that does, if you’re feeling some tough feelings, you will be ok.
In my past, this would be a bit too personal a thing for me to share with the interwebs, but I have grown and evolved. I preach authenticity. I preach being the person you were meant to be. I am committed to creating a community of humans who want that for themselves too.
My dream is to create a community of individuals who are ok showing up as the person they truly are – with their talents, their flaws, their emotions – no matter how messy they might be.
Everyone is messy sometimes
Yes, my life has been messy.
Everyone’s life can be messy at times though. I don’t think it’s something anyone can escape. We are just all bound to be a mess at one time or another (or multiple times!) in our lives.
You probably know the story of how, six years ago, I discovered my husband of seventeen years was cheating on me with another man. If you read my blog regularly, you’ve read the story of my struggle with grief and acceptance and of rebuilding my life. My story of resilience and of my path back to putting the pieces of my life back together.
So, yesterday, I got a text from my ex-husband, who has been on vacation with my kids for 2 weeks. I’ve been desperately missing them. Two weeks is a long time to be away from your kiddos.
Anyway, he got married to his partner over the weekend.
I knew they were engaged. But I didn’t know when it was happening.
Grief is a funny thing. I felt like I had grieved the loss of my husband, my family, my previous life sufficiently. I thought I had moved on.
And then, that text.
My feelings around my ex-husband and his partner are very mixed. On one hand, he is a good father to my kids. His partner is nice and seems to be a fairly benign influence on them. And even though my ex can be a royal asshole without even trying, I still believe he is a good person underneath it all.
But, on the other hand, he kicked me out of his fancy life and dropped in someone else in my place. He owns a nice house and is able to do things like big home improvement projects and have a garden while I am still renting a townhouse with no yard. He’s a lawyer, so he makes substantially more money than I do. He can go on fancy vacations frequently, and I can’t.
Sometimes I get angry at him for taking the life that I knew – the one that was so comfortable for me – away from me.
Emotional fruit salad
Today, I am sitting in an emotional fruit salad of feelings. My best self tells me (and I do believe my best self in my bones) that things happen for a reason and that I am on to better things.
That I wasn’t entirely happy in that comfortable life anyway and this is my chance to create the life that I want, HOW I want it.
But, I’m also sitting with feelings like this:
I had to start from scratch.
I’ll never reach my goals and dreams. I’m running out of time.
I hate him for doing this to me.