19. Have you come to realize that the kids protect themselves by not sharing their feelings with your partner?
20. Does your partner mistrust everyone?
21. Are the kids always trying to gain your partner’s love and approval?
22. Has your partner spent minimal time with the children?
23. Does your partner typically skip the children’s events if he or she does not have an interest in that particular activity or does not value it?
24. Does your partner push the children to be involved in activities that your partner likes or values and discourage or forbid them from pursuing activities that your partner does not value?
25. Have others in your life said that something is different or strange about your partner?
26. Does your partner take advantage of other people?
27. Is your partner all about power and control, pursuing power at all costs?
28. Is your partner all about image and how things look to others?
29. Does your partner seem to have no value system, no fixed idea of right and wrong for his or her behavior?
30. After the divorce, does your partner still want to exploit you? Or has your partner never calmed down?
31. When you try to discuss your life issues with your partner, does your partner change the subject so that you end up talking about your partner’s issues?
32. When you describe your feelings, does your partner try to top your feelings with his or her own stories?
33. Does your partner act jealous of you?
34. Does your partner lack empathy?
35. Does your partner only support things that reflect well on him or her?
36. Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your partner?
37. Have you consistently questioned if your partner loves you?
38. Does your partner do considerate things for you only when others are around to witness that good behavior?
39. When something difficult happens in your life (for instance, an accident, illness, a divorce in your family or circle of friends), does your partner react with immediate concern about how it will affect him or her rather than with concern for you?
40. Is your partner overly conscious of what others think?
41. Do you feel used by your partner?
42. Do you feel responsible for your partner’s ailments or sicknesses?
43. Do you feel that your partner does not accept you?
44. Is your partner critical and judgmental of you and others?
45. Do you feel that your partner does not know and value the real you and does not want to know the real you?
46. Does your partner act as if the world should revolve around him or her?
47. Does your partner appear phony to you?
48. Does your partner swing from grandiosity to a depressed mood?
49. Does your partner try to compete with you?
5. Does your partner always have to have things his or her way?
As one of my clients commented, “If you have ever awakened at 3 a.m. with heart pounding and a vivid certainty that you must end the relationship with the person sleeping next to you, but the next day continued on as if such middle-of-the-night thoughts were just a bad dream, then you may need some help with the struggle of what to do next. The surreal Alice in Wonderland quality of living with a narcissist is not something we are born knowing how to deal with or even understand.”