Hiding Hard Feelings & How It Affects Your Relationship
A healthy dose of self-love will enrich your relationship with your partner and yourself.
However, this is the last thing we expect to hear when we want to know how we can build an intimate, trusting, passionate and thriving relationship with our partner.
In our pursuit to feel loved and complete and to help us heal and fix our inner emotional wounds, we keep looking for the perfect partner. And in this quest to seek validation, we ultimately stop being our true self – our core vulnerable- shadow self and start hiding our hard feelings
In this article Dr Stuart Motola, talks about how hiding hard feelings might effect our relationships.
The effect of fear & insecurity
“Love yourself instead of abusing yourself.” – Karolina Kurkova
First, thanks to those who reached out to me last week. I shared a vulnerable post and an outpouring of support, trust, and connection came my way.
A few people asked me, “Are you ok? I am here for you.”
Others said, “Thanks for sharing. This really helped me during a hard time.”
And some said, “You’re really brave.”
It touched me. And it got me wondering, why was a simple sharing of the heart so poignant for people? Is it uncommon in daily life? Are we so disconnected from our hearts?
In my experience, the answer is yes. And most challenging of all is when we hide our heart where it matters most – in our most intimate relationship with our primary partner.
We experience disconnection, loneliness, and a hunger for intimacy in a relationship.
And yet when we open our hearts, our partner opens to us. But we must have the courage to act first. Still, often we don’t.
We fear being seen, weak, vulnerable, and scariest of all, rejected. It happens when in response to sharing, we hear…
- You’ll be fine, honey.
- Just get over it.
- It will pass.
Then, we feel even more alone. Did he even hear me? Does she care? We wonder. We feel invisible in a most tender and sensitive moment. It’s too much. It really hurts.
But I want to challenge you. So what if it hurts? Will it kill you? Is it worth keeping your heart locked up?
For some people, the answer is yes, without even knowing it; it’s unconscious.
Closing your heart is self-betrayal
We lock our hearts away to stay safe and ironically, it makes us less safe. And over time, we lose one another.
“There are parts of our personal story that are top secret. They are off-limits; we do not dare reveal them to anyone.
All this holding back makes us believe that our partner also has no further mysteries to reveal. At this point, Eros begins to recoil.”
– Prem Baba, From Suffering to Joy: The Path of The Heart
Eros, that exotic part of us that is deeply curious about our partner. When it’s gone, we suffer. Vital parts of us die. The spark of relationship simmers out.
Simply said, the locking up of one’s heart is a form of self-betrayal and self-abandonment. It’s as if you’re saying to yourself, I’m not worthy of being loved; not worthy of being seen; not worthy of connection.
So then, how do you keep your heart open in the relationship?
Without the fear of burdening your partner?
Without the fear of being weak?
The answer has to do with you, more than your partner. And it looks like this… cultivate healthy self-relationship… experience your own heart.
Sit with the parts of you (fear, hope, loss, judgment, etc) that you resist sharing with your partner. Work with those parts. Connect with yourself.
Meet yourself, meet happiness
“A man who loves himself takes the first step towards real love.” – Osho
As I said in my post last week, if I’m not connected to me, I can’t be connected to you. It’s that simple.
Healthy self-relationship is the foundation for a heartfelt, energized, and fulfilling partner relationship. When we practice it, we learn to open our heart to our self and our partner – without fear of judgment.
When you commit to being in a healthy self-relationship, you’re saying, Self meet the self. We’re in this for the long haul. We better get to know each other.
It empowers you to approach your beloved in a responsible way – with a tender heart, stripped of projection or blame, and a courageous sense of vulnerability.
“Babe, I’ve been in a lot of fear lately. I want to talk to you. And yet I’m afraid you might not be open to hearing me. Can I share what’s been going on with me?
“I feel like we’ve been losing one another lately. I want to feel closer to you.”
Notice all the “I” statements. Very few “you” statements or accusations.
Self-responsibility is sexy. You’re in your sovereign, building integrity with your desires and needs – and creating authentic, empowered, and energized relationship with your partner.
And your partner feels it. She or he can relax, feel connected to you, and trust you to stay connected, even when you disconnect from yourself.
Self-love your way to a better relationship
“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.” – Oscar Wilde
Self-love is the core foundation for a fulfilling relationship which makes you feel loved and secure with your partner.
The love that you’ve been seeking all your life to heal your emotional wounds will always come from inside you. No amount of love from your significant other can satiate your need for that love unless you love yourself.
It is only by receiving and giving love to yourself, you can share that love with your partner and receive the love they have for you and be grateful for it.
Self-love makes you feel confident, secure, self-reliant and positive. It makes you experience higher vibrations and enables you to build a meaningful, healthy and happy relationship with your special person. With so much positive energy flowing in, you not only focus on keeping yourself happy, but keeping your partner happy as well.
Here you can check out a beautiful video on loving yourself intentionally: