Can Hiding Hard Feelings Affect Your Relationship?

Hiding Hard Feelings & How It Affects Your Relationship

A healthy dose of self-love will enrich your relationship with your partner and yourself.

However, this is the last thing we expect to hear when we want to know how we can build an intimate, trusting, passionate and thriving relationship with our partner.

In our pursuit to feel loved and complete and to help us heal and fix our inner emotional wounds, we keep looking for the perfect partner. And in this quest to seek validation, we ultimately stop being our true self – our core vulnerable- shadow self and start hiding our hard feelings

In this article Dr Stuart Motola, talks about how hiding hard feelings might effect our relationships.


The effect of fear & insecurity

“Love yourself instead of abusing yourself.” – Karolina Kurkova

First, thanks to those who reached out to me last week. I shared a vulnerable post and an outpouring of support, trust, and connection came my way.

A few people asked me, “Are you ok? I am here for you.”
Others said, “Thanks for sharing. This really helped me during a hard time.”
And some said, “You’re really brave.”

It touched me. And it got me wondering, why was a simple sharing of the heart so poignant for people? Is it uncommon in daily life? Are we so disconnected from our hearts?

In my experience, the answer is yes. And most challenging of all is when we hide our heart where it matters most – in our most intimate relationship with our primary partner.

We experience disconnection, loneliness, and a hunger for intimacy in a relationship.

And yet when we open our hearts, our partner opens to us. But we must have the courage to act first. Still, often we don’t.

We fear being seen, weak, vulnerable, and scariest of all, rejected. It happens when in response to sharing, we hear…

  • You’ll be fine, honey.
  • Just get over it.
  • It will pass.

Then, we feel even more alone. Did he even hear me? Does she care? We wonder. We feel invisible in a most tender and sensitive moment. It’s too much. It really hurts.

But I want to challenge you. So what if it hurts? Will it kill you? Is it worth keeping your heart locked up?

For some people, the answer is yes, without even knowing it; it’s unconscious.


Closing your heart is self-betrayal

We lock our hearts away to stay safe and ironically, it makes us less safe. And over time, we lose one another.

“There are parts of our personal story that are top secret. They are off-limits; we do not dare reveal them to anyone.

All this holding back makes us believe that our partner also has no further mysteries to reveal. At this point, Eros begins to recoil.”
– Prem Baba, From Suffering to Joy: The Path of The Heart

Eros, that exotic part of us that is deeply curious about our partner. When it’s gone, we suffer. Vital parts of us die. The spark of relationship simmers out.

Simply said, the locking up of one’s heart is a form of self-betrayal and self-abandonment. It’s as if you’re saying to yourself, I’m not worthy of being loved; not worthy of being seen; not worthy of connection.

So then, how do you keep your heart open in the relationship?
Without the fear of burdening your partner?
Without the fear of being weak?

The answer has to do with you, more than your partner. And it looks like this… cultivate healthy self-relationship… experience your own heart.

Sit with the parts of you (fear, hope, loss, judgment, etc) that you resist sharing with your partner. Work with those parts. Connect with yourself.


Meet yourself, meet happiness

“A man who loves himself takes the first step towards real love.” – Osho

As I said in my post last week, if I’m not connected to me, I can’t be connected to you. It’s that simple.

Healthy self-relationship is the foundation for a heartfelt, energized, and fulfilling partner relationship. When we practice it, we learn to open our heart to our self and our partner – without fear of judgment.

When you commit to being in healthy self-relationship, you’re saying, Self meet the self. We’re in this for the long haul. We better get to know each other.

Stuart Motola
Stuart Motola specializes in helping individuals and couples attract and maintain a fulfilling partnership. He helps individuals attract who they seek (i.e. date more effectively), kill the voice of desperation and aloneness, and know the difference between a love that makes you big versus a love that makes you small. He teaches couples how to repair after conflict, cut unconscious cycles of projection and blame, communicate more responsibly, and to take risks to reignite passion and aliveness. Stuart has shared his expertise as a coach, author, speaker, and facilitator throughout the world and wrote the #1 Amazon best-selling book “Fixing You Is Killing Me: A Conscious Roadmap To Knowing When To Save And When To Leave Your Relationship.”
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Insecurity is undoubtedly one of the greatest challenges to overcome in a relationship.
“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” - Steve Maraboli

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