2. Search for answers—but stay safe!
When I realized that I had been involved with a pathological liar, I had a very strong urge to go on what I call “my truth-finding mission” because I felt extremely betrayed and deceived. All my well-wishers warned me not to—absolutely everyone—discouraged me from investigating the psychopath.
But I felt deeply compelled to uncover as many lies as I could, so I disregarded their advice. It turned out that I made the right decision, because I conducted my mission without making contact with the psychopath or anyone connected to him.
Even though I desperately wanted to unmask him and his manipulative techniques but I controlled my urge to so. Finally, when I exhausted every anonymous avenue available to me, I stopped. I reclaimed my entire self just by uncovering a part of his drama. The entire process was an important step in rebuilding my self-respect and to forgive myself for thinking everything was my fault.
It is a good idea to search for answers or to unmask them, as long as you follow the no contact rule.
3. Research psychopathy
An encounter and subsequent romantic relationship with a psychopath is absolutely different from a normal relationship. When the break up happens, it will not only leave you with an emotional void but also with lot of unanswered questions.
Survivors are left with so many questions and the answer to the questions is the only path to healing. Survivors also tend to feel guilty for themselves and start believing that they have actively contributed to the abuse. This happens because others fail to understand them make insensitive statements about their conditions like “Why did you stay?” or “Why didn’t you see the signs?” or “It takes two to tango.”
But psychopaths have pathological problems. When you first met this person, you definitely had no idea about his malevolent schemes. Others will definitely try to divert your attention from the “toxic person” by asking you to “not focus on them” but in fact, researching about them is a crucial step in the healing process.
By learning to recognize the common tactics and games of psychopathic predators, you will realize that you are not the only person who has survived such abuse. By learning how the psychopathic mind works, everything was conjuring up from the beginning itself. You will come to know that the abuse was none of your faults. And when it all begins to click for you, that’s when you start to reclaim your power!
4. Allow yourself to feel and think
A very common human tendency is to suppress unwanted feelings and avoid them as much as possible. Yet, paradoxically, it is by facing the pain and moving through it that we find beauty, because on the other side of our deepest suffering, we have the opportunity to experience the greatest joy.
As you heal, you will find yourself moving back and forth through the stages of grief to resilience which is typical to the aftermath of an encounter with a psychopath.
Allow yourself to embrace the entire spectrum of emotions you feel – ranging from anger, to feelings of betrayal, to hatred and sorrow. These emotions will most likely hit you in waves.
Never forcefully push away thoughts of the person, however disturbing the memories were. Continuously pushing the obsessive thoughts away can actually be more harmful than helpful because it will burst out later in unmanageable ways.
You most likely are experiencing symptoms of PTSD, and it is important to find resources that can help you work through the trauma of what has happened. Therapy and other healing techniques work absolutely amazing if you seek for it. Escaping from the problem will not heal the deeper you. You develop self-respect and self-love and new confidence. You learn to trust your intuition. And when you are able to trust yourself, then you will start to find others who are worthy of your trust.