Closure Without Contact
All survivors and victims of psychopathic evil know how extremely difficult it is to cut ties with a psychopath.
This might sound odd but the lure of a psychopathic trap is such strong that it will leave you addicted and scarred, all at the same time.
And then once no contact is established, survivors find themselves trying to pick up the pieces of their shattered heart and find direction. Many survivors write that what they want more than anything is to find closure, to find a reason as to why they had to go through all these.
Some hope that they can somehow obtain that closure from the psychopaths. Others are convinced that closure is absolutely impossible. All survivors wonder, at some point during their recovery journeys, if they will ever find a way out of the darkness.
The good news is, closure is absolutely possible. And NO, it will not come from the psychopaths! It must come from within yourself.
The following 7 ways will gradually help you move towards closure.
This road map does not have a timeline, and many of the points overlap.
1. Try to let go of the illusion
The first step in healing from psychopathic abuse is to stop all contact with the psychopath. Immediately and abruptly cutting all sorts of contacts from them is necessary – block him/her on all social platforms, avoid physically confronting him/her anywhere as far as possible. This will serve as a general platform to gradually lose your grip on his/her image.
And the only way to do that is to let go of the image you had of the person you loved. Unfortunately and sadly, that person never existed. It might take you a lot of time and effort to come in terms with reality. You will repeatedly try to tighten your grip on the person as much as you know you have to let go of him/her.
He or she was only an illusion, a mask the psychopath creates in order to manipulate you and use you to their advantage. Asinconceivable as it might sound, the only way to find freedom is to stop holding to their fake image and believing in the illusion.
I clearly remember the beginning of the encounter I had with the psychopath; I thought he was all I ever wanted. We had too many similarities we connected so well and I believed he understood me more than anyone could. It almost felt like a perfect dream. Slowly as I discovered the numerous novel ways in which he had deceived me, I realized it always was too good to be true.
I eventually dawned on me that everything was a farce, except for my feelings for him. I was real, and my feelings were real. And in the midst of the intense pain, I held on to the light—the light of truth—that was just barely left in my soul. Letting go of the “dream man” he pretended to be brought me closer to my own heart.
The faster you can do away with the fake image he/she put up, the closer you will be to healing.
2. Search for answers—but stay safe!
When I realized that I had been involved with a pathological liar, I had a very strong urge to go on what I call “my truth-finding mission” because I felt extremely betrayed and deceived. All my well-wishers warned me not to—absolutely everyone—discouraged me from investigating the psychopath.
But I felt deeply compelled to uncover as many lies as I could, so I disregarded their advice. It turned out that I made the right decision, because I conducted my mission without making contact with the psychopath or anyone connected to him.
Even though I desperately wanted to unmask him and his manipulative techniques but I controlled my urge to so. Finally, when I exhausted every anonymous avenue available to me, I stopped. I reclaimed my entire self just by uncovering a part of his drama. The entire process was an important step in rebuilding my self-respect and to forgive myself for thinking everything was my fault.
It is a good idea to search for answers or to unmask them, as long as you follow the no contact rule.
3. Research psychopathy
An encounter and subsequent romantic relationship with a psychopath is absolutely different from a normal relationship. When the break up happens, it will not only leave you with an emotional void but also with lot of unanswered questions.
Survivors are left with so many questions and the answer to the questions is the only path to healing. Survivors also tend to feel guilty for themselves and start believing that they have actively contributed to the abuse. This happens because others fail to understand them to make insensitive statements about their conditions like “Why did you stay?” or “Why didn’t you see the signs?” or “It takes two to tango.”
But psychopaths have pathological problems. When you first met this person, you definitely had no idea about his malevolent schemes. Others will definitely try to divert your attention from the “toxic person” by asking you to “not focus on them” but in fact, researching about them is a crucial step in the healing process.
By learning to recognize the common tactics and games of psychopathic predators, you will realize that you are not the only person who has survived such abuse. By learning how the psychopathic mind works, everything was conjuring up from the beginning itself. You will come to know that the abuse was none of your faults. And when it all begins to click for you, that’s when you start to reclaim your power!
4. Allow yourself to feel and think
A very common human tendency is to suppress unwanted feelings and avoid them as much as possible. Yet, paradoxically, it is by facing the pain and moving through it that we find beauty because, on the other side of our deepest suffering, we have the opportunity to experience the greatest joy.
As you heal, you will find yourself moving back and forth through the stages of grief to resilience which is typical to the aftermath of an encounter with a psychopath.
Allow yourself to embrace the entire spectrum of emotions you feel – ranging from anger, to feelings of betrayal, to hatred and sorrow. These emotions will most likely hit you in waves.
Never forcefully push away thoughts of the person, however, disturbing the memories were. Continuously pushing the obsessive thoughts away can actually be more harmful than helpful because it will burst out later in unmanageable ways.
You most likely are experiencing symptoms of PTSD, and it is important to find resources that can help you work through the trauma of what has happened. Therapy and other healing techniques work absolutely amazing if you seek for it. Escaping from the problem will not heal the deeper you. You develop self-respect and self-love and new confidence. You learn to trust your intuition. And when you are able to trust yourself, then you will start to find others who are worthy of your trust.
5. Accept what you can and cannot control
When I learned the truth about the psychopath, I was extremely disturbed to realize that such evil exists in the world. I was deeply disheartened to know that the person who left me entirely devastated have moved on to the next target, as nothing happened.
My first reaction to this was complete heartbreak, shame, and outrage. I wanted to expose the psychopath for the monster he is. I wanted to convince the other woman to leave him. I badly wanted him to come and apologize to me for all his wrongdoings.
I was left with remorse but I realized deep within that I had no control over the person that he was. I was not in a position to understand his pathology or control his manipulating techniques. What I could do was focus on my own healing and my own life. When I made the choice to do that, one day at a time, I gradually felt happier and more peaceful.
I still wage a daily struggle to relinquish the desire to control what I cannot control, but, thankfully, it is not nearly as difficult as it used to be.
All you can do is be guided by the light in your soul instead of being lost in these people’s darkness.
6. Trust in your own unique truth
Perhaps the most significant epiphany during my recovery came when I finally was able to believe in myself and trust in my own truth.
As long as my intense self-doubt lingered, I could not bring in the strength to accept everything that happened to me. I could not believe I was so badly cheated. Only after reading so many survival stories and how they came out of it with resilience, did I get inspired to get over what seemed to be an insurmountable task. I still have some doubts but I put it aside and only listen to my voice within.
7. You have a similar voice in your own heart. Listen to it.
And please hold on to this truth: you can find closure without contact, and you can find peace on the other side of the nightmare. Read and learn about psychopathy, move through the pain, take back your power, and most of all, strive daily to believe in and love yourself, your most authentic self. You are your own best guide.