The 5 Stages Of Your Relationship and How To Keep The Romance Alive in each

The 5 Stages Of Your Relationship and How To Keep The Romance Alive in each

Wondering why some relationships end suddenly? Why your neighbors got a divorce out of the blue? Or are you having trouble keeping your own relationship strong? The answer lies in the 5 crucial stages of a relationship and how you may keep the pace and build a lasting relationship.

As evidenced by the high divorce rate in western countries, most relationships don’t work out. Statistics indicate that 40% of relationships end within 3 years. If you’re curious as to why most relationships fail and what you can do to prevent relationship breakdown, please keep reading. Most importantly, you’ll learn how to manage the different stages of relationships so you can keep the peace.

 

Stage 1: Initial Attraction

This is the most exciting stage of a relationship as we generally feel the most intense romance at the beginning of a relationship. The grass is greener; the sky is brighter. Our future looks bright and glorious. We are falling in love with someone.

At this stage, you are so attracted to the other person that you would do anything for them. Focusing on the best in them and looking toward a positive future, releases feel-good hormones which work well until the reality of your day-to-day choices start to rock up…

 

Relationship Challenge: Failure to Adhere to Personal Boundaries

When you are romantically excited, your brain is constantly producing dopamine and oxytocin. This is what leads to feelings of euphoria and connection.

Unfortunately, this level of happy hormone production won’t last for the lifetime of your relationship because every person’s brain has a protection mechanism that requires the perception of safety. As we progress through the different stages of a relationship, the feeling of safety will be compromised at times – either by ourselves or by our partner.
The most common mistake at the first stage of a relationship is the failure to adhere to your own personal boundaries. This includes your ethics, morals, and values. When you are initially head-over-heels attracted to someone, your personal boundaries can fly out of the window as you try to fit in with that other person’s life. This can lead to a loss of your self-respect, self-esteem and then attraction as you start losing yourself in choices that don’t feel right for you.

For instance, if one person is very health conscious due to previous health issues, and the other talks big about eating healthily, there will be certain expectations in the relationship. When they have entered the following stages in their relationship, resistant situations would arise when the partner who is less strict about eating frequently buys junk food to share.

 

How to Keep the Peace at Stage 1

This first stage of a relationship is when you set up parameters for your partner so they can have realistic expectations of their relationship with you.

No matter how connected you feel early in a relationship, it’s important to communicate how you live your life and your preferences honestly. Let the other person see who you are without any false pretenses.

It’s important to maintain your individuality as this is what initially creates attraction. Be clear on your boundaries and aim to make wise (instead of emotional) decisions when you can.

Respect your differences and focus on being the best version of yourself to maintain healthy attraction. This is how you can make your relationship sustainable in the long term.

 

 

Stage 2: Power Struggle

“Power Struggle” doesn’t sound very pleasant in a politically correct world, but it happens in most relationships. After the initial honeymoon phase, couples calm down and begin to look at the real dynamics in their relationship.

At this stage, many couples try to change each other in order to fit their own wants and needs. If you’ve been there, done that, you probably know what this looks like. However, not everyone is aware of what they are doing.

 In his book The Laws of Human Nature, Robert Greene claims that trying to influence others is actually human nature, so everybody wants to do it and there is nothing wrong with that.

Although that point sounds valid and reasonable, this is the most dangerous stage of a relationship, because of this challenge…

Ways Each Zodiac Sign Keeps You Around Without Committing To You

Ways Each Zodiac Sign Keeps You Around Without Committing To You

This is how your partner might just be creating an illusion of commitment according to their zodiac signs.

Even if you don’t believe in astrology, chances are that you have come across the zodiac concept at least a couple of times in your life. Although not supported by modern day science, it has however, enticed millions of people across the world, believers and non-believers alike.

We probably know the effect horoscope has on our immediate future, we do not know how these signs have different effects on relationships. There are people who pretend to be committed in a relationship, but are in search for an opportunity to betray their partner.

Like every human being, these pretentious people are also tied to their respective planets and zodiac signs. And their individual signs determine how they successfully go about their dirty game.

 

Here are 12 different ways how each zodiac sign keeps you around without committing to you:

1. Aries

To keep themselves attached to you, people with Aries as zodiac sign frequently forward jokes and funny snaps. They’ll act silly, take snaps of their silliness and send you for fun.

What they’re essentially trying to do is cover up their treacherous side by making you laugh, so that you think of them as innocent hearts who’s just trying to keep the funny side up!

 

2. Taurus

Taurus being a down to earth sign tries to be a good friend by developing closeness. They become close not only to you but to your friends and possibly your family members as well.

They pretend to value the earthly relationships, emotions by upholding supportive words and mental bonding. But these are just for show. Inside, they are constantly hunting for opportunities.

 

3. Gemini

Geminis play with promises. They don’t keep them obviously, but are somehow able to convince you to believe and trust in them. Their promises are hollow.

Another thing you’d find them doing is being around you along with other people. You’ll never find only the two of you. They’d always attempt to keep both of you surrounded with as many people as possible so that you are unable to catch their lie.

 

4. Cancer

Cancerians are emotion hubs who take advantage via feelings and mental states. They’ll show you how internally scarred they are. They will send you drunk texts conveying how painful their days are. They’ll whine about their suffering to make you feel sorry for them. But don’t fall for it.

It is just an attempt to gain sympathy. The illusion they create is pretty convincing. You really start developing feelings for them. But at the end of the day, it is all part of the same plan.

 

5. Leo

Leos, as their sign suggests, tend to establish and aura of nobility and respect. To you, they’ll come off as helpful and generous. Whenever you need them, they’ll always show up, ready to help. They’ll show you how valuable you are to them and how much you mean to them.

The mask of nobility they wear successfully hides away the true face underneath. This is one of those zodiac symbols who’s deception is very hard to catch.

 

6. Virgo

Virgos play a dangerous mind games. They use the hot and cold method of emotional maneuvering. You’re pushed into the mental conflict of deciding whether or not the person you’re interacting truly loves you. You remain confused regarding the nature of the person.

You’d feel as if you’re facing a puzzle. They’ll push you to your limit of tolerance, and then suddenly play caring when you decide to move on. This to and fro oscillation is what they tend to enjoy the most, disregarding the emotional stress the partner faces.

What Dating Should Feel Like (And What It Shouldn’t)

What Dating Should Feel Like And What It Shouldn’t

Dating Should Feel Like:

1. Dating should feel light.

You should be able to walk arm-in-arm with the person you’re courting and feel the butterflies in your stomach. You shouldn’t be stressed about the future quite yet, shouldn’t be worried about what was before. Instead, you should have a smile on your face and a heart full of fire.

 

2. Dating should feel simple.

There shouldn’t be complications, mixed messages, or confusing signals. You should be with someone who is clear with his or her intentions and how he or she feels about you. And you should be able to think, feel, and express the same feelings without fear.

3. Dating should feel like an adventure you’re not afraid to embark on.

Dating should be both exciting and comfortable. You should have moments of giddy nervousness as you wait for him to open the car door for you, or as you wait for her text. You should be surprised at the first brush of your hands, first kiss, first touch. But you should also feel as if sharing the same wine glass, same bowl of pasta is the most natural, comfortable thing in the world.

 

4. Dating should feel like the rest of your life is beginning.

Not that you’ve made relationships the center of your life, but that you’re starting a new chapter with this new person by your side. And suddenly you’re not afraid of what’s coming your way or how the two of you are bonding together—you are simply walking forward with your heart open wide.

 

Dating Shouldn’t Feel Like:

1. Dating shouldn’t feel like pressure.

It shouldn’t feel like you’re supposed to be or act a certain way. When you’re with someone, you shouldn’t feel that you have to change the person you are to make them happy or satisfied. You shouldn’t have to worry about being anything or anyone other than who you are.

 

2. Dating shouldn’t feel like expectations.

It shouldn’t feel like the other person is wanting you to give more than you can, or that he or she is ‘owed’ something from you. This is not a transaction, not a ‘deal.’ You should never feel the need to give parts of yourself, ever. Especially when you’re not ready.

 

3. Dating shouldn’t feel like twisting in your belly, telling you that something isn’t right. It should feel safe.

4. Dating shouldn’t feel insincere.

You shouldn’t feel like the other person is holding back or hiding something from you. You shouldn’t imagine the potential relationship like a puzzle, one you’re supposed to solve. This isn’t a game, isn’t meant to be anything other than genuine emotions expressed and built upon.

 

5. Dating shouldn’t be something you fear.

Because with the right person, right timing, right relationship, the pieces fall into place. Because when you’re with the person you’re meant to find, everything will feel right—even if it’s imperfect and messy.

Because real love is never perfect, but it doesn’t hurt, doesn’t leave you confused, and doesn’t take anything but your breath away.

 

Related Video : 6 Things That Love Isn’t and 5 Things Love Is


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What Dating Should Feel Like pinterest

8 Things A Good Man Never Does In A Relationship

8 Things A Good Man Never Does In A Relationship

Look out for these revealing things a good man never does in a relationship. 

A person can never be judged on the basis of a standard of goodness; there’s no specific yardstick to measure it.

By talking about “good men” I do not mean to humiliate or disregard any particular type of men as “bad” or “undesirable”. Nevertheless, there are definitely some remarkable qualities which when a man has, turn out to be beneficial for a relationship.

As a man, you either possess these qualities or you don’t. There is no middle ground to it. The harsh truth is, a genuine gentleman does act in ways that are positively influential to the relationship and that is how we come to the concept of behaviours expected from a good man in a relationship.

Here are 8 things that a righteous man contributing to a healthy relationship will always avoid doing:

1. A good man will never make you feel insecure

It’s undeniable that people often feel insecure in a relationship. Insecurity in a relationship may stem from various issues – it can rise from some unresolved internal conflicts or can be external, based on how your partner is making you feel.

A man, who has good intentions for the relationship, will never make you feel like you are a sidekick to his life.

Even if the problem is rising because of the partner’s low self-esteem, a good man will not add to her insecurities. Most importantly, he will give her undivided attention she deserves, the constant reassurance and positive regard to make her feel secure in the relationship.

Such a man will make sure his partner understands that her space in his life is exclusive and she does not have to constantly compete with other people to secure her position in his heart.

 

2. A good man will never limit your potentials

With two dynamic individuals interacting, there are high chances of their ideals clashing. This fact will not instigate a good man to clip your wings, cage you and limit your horizons. A man who has high regard for his partner’s personal growth will actively take part in identifying the capabilities of his partner, motivate and inspire her to reach her zenith.

He will never let you give up on yourself until you have achieved what you deserve and desire. His selfish needs will not be a reason for you to compromise your flair. Instead he will be that extra boost for you to manoeuvre.

 

3. A good man will never invade your personal space

Every healthy relationship requires having a clear boundary. However closely connected you might be with your partner; there are certain things which are exceedingly personal.

If your man is snooping around in an attempt to invade your personal space – prying through your phone, your laptop or your diaries or trying to log in to your Facebook, Twitter or other social media accounts in your absence, he is undoubtedly projecting his insecurities and other internal issues on to you.

A good man will trust you and respect your personal boundary and never be willing to cross his limits.

 

4. A good man will never abuse you

Abuse in any form – be it physical, emotional, sexual or verbal, towards anyone is a supreme crime to commit. No living organism deserves such a pathetic treatment from anyone. Abuse won’t always be overt or easily recognizable. Often, abuse is subtle and difficult to identify.

A good man exudes self-integrity and will never stoop down to abuse a woman to exercise control in the relationship.

Instead of making use of manipulative techniques to mould a relationship to his advantage, a good man will make use of his rational sense and emotional maturity to handle crisis situations that might arise in the course of a relationship.

 

5. A good man will never cheat on you

The world creates innumerable opportunities to give in to the temptation to cheat. The controversy related to men being polygamous will eternally be debated over, but one fact remains undeniable – monogamy is a personal choice and there is literally nothing physical that binds two people to each other but just a decision.

What’s Most Important When Choosing A Life Partner

what is the most important when choosing a life partner

While looking for a life partner, it is important to break free from harmful tendencies. 

The list we’re going to talk about here is the one that contains the characteristics of the partner of your dreams—the person with whom you know you’d experience long-term happiness.

The list includes all of your requirements for a perfect partner—looks, financial fitness, personality, education, health, personal and family history, religion, ethnicity, relationship history, and any other item you consider essential for a fulfilling relationship.

Not everyone has a preference for all of these factors on their list. Many are irrelevant to some people, while other individuals have concerns that we have not mentioned here.

But this post is about what isn’t on your list—certain things that you need to have on your list, in addition to the priorities you’re consciously aware of.

These are our “shadow priorities”— needs and desires that we are less consciously aware of but that represent other commitments in competition with our more conscious preferences.

It’s not that one set of preferences is correct and the other is not, but rather that they each represent compelling and competing interests and desires that need to be fulfilled in order to satisfy our different sets of needs.

We don’t need to be completely similar to our partner—in fact, we generally aren’t even attracted to people who are very similar to us. However, there does need to be complementarity, meaning that we complement each other by providing strengths and enhancements in areas where our partner may be less developed. When this is present in a relationship, there is a strong likelihood that both partners will experience what we commonly refer to as chemistry.

Unconscious concerns have more to do with aspects of our life that relate to the potential that our partner represents.

He or she may help us fulfill psychological needs and heal emotional wounds, support personal development, and, in general, be a good “fit” for our personality.

When we are intimately connected to someone with whom we share the experience of complementarity, we feel a sense of being whole and complete that is not present otherwise. This is the feeling that frequently occurs during the “infatuation” phase of a relationship.

The experience of infatuation fades over time, because we experience this feeling vicariously through the other person, and haven’t yet fully cultivated and integrated the qualities and traits our partner brings to our life. The real work of a relationship begins after we find the partner of our dreams; it has to do with our willingness to see that what they bring into our life not only thrills us, but sometimes drives us to distraction.

These extremes are not a sign of instability, but are inherent in the process of coming to terms with one of the great paradoxes of relationships: They represent the hope of the fulfillment of our most cherished dreams, and the fears that inevitably underlie those hopes.

Fears like losing ourselves, being controlled by another, re-experiencing painful feelings, being exploited or taken advantage of, being left or abandoned, or other disturbing possibilities.

When we fail to recognize and acknowledge the unconscious commitments that compete with our conscious preferences we run the risk of setting ourselves up to feel disappointed and unfulfilled.

We may wrongly attribute those feelings to a deficiency in our partner or in ourselves when this isn’t necessarily the case. All too often, the problem is that even if we have successfully checked off all of the things on our list, we may have left off the most important items.

It isn’t necessary—nor is it even possible—to always be consciously aware of what is in the shadows of our desire system.

It can be enough to understand that what draws us to others, and what draws others to us, includes characteristics that are important to our inner development and our healing into wholeness.

When we more fully appreciate this aspect of our relationship, it becomes easier (but not necessarily easy) to trust the process enough to become less reactive to the upsets that arise when the heat of infatuation inevitably cools, whether after a week or several years.

Accepting the inevitability of these feelings, without mistaking them for indicators that we are just not meant to be, enables us to maintain a healthy relationship and resist the temptation to jump to conclusions or make impulsive judgments and decisions based on insufficient information.

Not all relationships are meant to be, and some should be ended when it becomes evident that there’s a mismatch. Yet many potentially successful relationships are ended before they are given an adequate chance. It may be that it’s only after sharing ordeals and spending time together—time that includes doing the work of learning to appreciate rather than condemn our differences—that we recognize the hidden gifts our partner brings to us, which may have initially shown up as problems to be eliminated.

Lessons Learned On My Journey To Love

lessons i learned on my journey to love

Love is very individual and experiential. 

We tend to learn how to love the hard way – by making mistakes and hopefully learning from them. We all have lessons we’re meant to learn based on where we’re at and where we are meant to be.  The distance between these two places are bridged by the experiences that help us learn and grow into our best selves.

If you tend to compare yourself to other women (i.e. can’t understand why they’ve found love and I haven’t), let these comparisons go.

Keep in mind that every woman is on her own journey – some paths are more direct while other paths take indirect routes – all meant for each individual’s greater good.

 

The Typical Journey to Love

Most every woman’s process of finding love (myself included) goes something like this…the trial and error approach such as making mistakes, repeating the same unhealthy patterns, dating and being in relationships with men who aren’t right for us, blaming the other person when problems come up, sacrificing our integrity, etc.

Then after much heartache and having had enough, an awakening happens when we realize things have to change.  This is what happened to me after two breakups with the man I dearly loved.  These breakups caused me to look within and reflect on how I had been approaching and perceiving love.

 

5 Major Love Lessons

By reflecting and making positive changes within, I’m able to share these valuable lessons to help alleviate further heartache and shortcut your journey to love.

Love Lesson #1: Everything happens for your greater good

Everything happens for your greater good, especially love’s difficulties.  It may not seem like it at the time, yet these difficulties are happening to help you learn, grow and become your best self.

When you’re in a challenging situation, don’t ask, “Why me?  Why is this happening to me…?  Why is he doing this…?”

Instead, ask, “Why is this happening for me?  What is the positive lesson I’m meant to learn from this?  How I can take this situation and apply it in a way that helps me grow?  What is the perfection in this situation?”  Then stay open to the answers that come up.

 

Love Lesson #2: Love happens when you are ready

If you think that time is running out, it’s understandable to want love now.  Wanting love now can actually be harmful because you will tend to be desperate, overlook red flags, and settle for a guy who isn’t the best fit for you.

Love doesn’t just happen, and it doesn’t happen in the time you want it to. It takes conscious effort by preparing yourself for love; putting yourself in places to meet the one; getting comfortable with the unknown; and having faith that love happens in the right time.

While you’re preparing yourself for love, live your life by doing things you love, discovering your passions, soothing your soul, spending time with people who care for your well-being, and living a healthy lifestyle.

 

Love Lesson #3: Individual choices matter

Don’t make short-term decisions hoping you’ll get long-term commitment.  Every choice matters.  They either lead you closer or take you further away from the love you truly desire.  For instance, let’s say you go out with a good-looking guy who tells you he only wants something casual.  You get caught up in chemistry and think that in time, he will change his mind after getting to know you more.

Believe him when he says he only wants something casual then leave so that you are available to meet someone else.  Every moment you spend with him takes you further away by keeping you unavailable for someone who wants the same kind of relationship as you do.

Get clear on what you want, take steps in favor of your heart’s desire, and let things happen naturally.  In doing so, you will be in a long-term relationship with a great guy.

The One Way To Achieve A Low Maintenance Relationship

The One Way To Achieve A Low Maintenance Relationship

Low Maintenance Relationship (LMR) is when a couple is mutually exclusive to one another but not in a FULL relationship. A low maintenance relationship includes NOT needing to talk to them everyday, maybe SOME texting per day but NOT a super abundance.

 A low maintenance relationship might sound impossible to maintain but it is not so.

A LMR is for active individuals who have many responsibilities and have no time for a FULL relationship.

Notice I said low, not no. Relationships are like a complex machine with many moving parts. Maintenance is a must, not an option.

Regular maintenance, like putting fresh oil in the motor of your car, will keep it purring along for years to come. My manufacturer recommends putting in fresh oil every 3,000 miles. Sounds like a lot but my motor is running perfectly six years after buying the car.

The point here is that regular attention to the complex machine called “your relationship” helps avoid the build-up of unwanted dirt and grime which leads to break-downs.

This may seem obvious but you would be surprised how many couples get caught up in the daily grind of work, bills, and kids. Thinking about the relationship plays second fiddle to the game of survival.

And yet, if we don’t pay attention to our primary relationship, it will suffer. This I know both personally and through my practice as a psychotherapist.

Lest you get depressed, low maintenance relationships are possible. Ideally, you think about creating one before getting into a relationship. Way less work.

If you are in a relationship, changing over to a low-maintenance relationship (LMR) will take both partners defining what constitutes a LMR, and consciously working towards creating this state of bliss.

Here is the one way to have a Low Maintenance Relationship:

Find a Low-Maintenance Person (LMP)!

If you do this, 95% of your work is done for you. I have had high maintenance partners and low maintenance partners. Low is way less effort and much more fun.

You may be asking, what does a low-maintenance person look like?

Here are seven qualities I have found in LMPs.

1) Self-sufficient.

In other words, they can live without you. They want to live with you, but don’t need you. There is a big difference.

 

2) Lived on their own at some point in their life.

If they are coming straight from living with their parents, not a good sign. In some cultures this may be hard to avoid, but it is something to take into consideration. Are they used to being taken care of?

 

3) Don’t complain about others.

If they complain about others it will be only a matter of time before they start complaining about you.

 

4) Have friends – good friends.

This is a telling feature. If she or he has friends, it means that they will not be relying on you for all their psychological and connection needs. This will be a big weight off your shoulders.

However, you must be able to share your partner with others. Naturally there is a balance to be negotiated but with a LMP comes a demand on you to support their full engagement in life, which includes friends.

Understanding The Dynamics Of The Karpman Drama Triangle

dynamics of the karpman drama triangle

The Karpman drama triangle is a social model of human interaction – the triangle maps a type of destructive interaction that can occur between people in conflict. 

When I met my friend TC five years ago, she was struggling to exit a highly toxic co-dependent relationship.

Without digging up details that might be too personal to her, I can talk of the patterns of that particular relationship, which made it toxic. It was an ongoing “drama” with TC playing three different roles when seen from a larger perspective – the victim because she felt helplessly stuck with a person who abused her emotional boundaries again and again, and didn’t think there was a way for her to strike out on her own.

The persecutor, when her patience would run out, the experience of feeling cornered having stretched her thin, and she would throw around things inside the house, yelling so much that a few times the neighbours even felt threatened; and the savior when her then-partner would come complaining that the years had not done anything to his loneliness, to his feeling like he couldn’t count on anyone. 

Stephen Karpman MD, named this cyclical phenomenon the Karpman Drama Triangle“.

Karpman came up with this relational structure to explain social and interactional dynamics, when he was still training under the renowned psychiatrist Eric Berne, the founding father of transactional analysis.

The triangle represents an interplay between behaviour patterns that an individual resorts to when in contact with another individual’s behaviour patterns. So question is, how would you know which of the three (often it’s more than one) roles you tend to resort to unconsciously, when relating to another person or a larger situation?

the karpman drama triangle

 

What its like being the “victim“?

When you step into the victim’s shoes, the whole world seems like it’s out to get you.

As a victim, your personal sense of power takes an immediate backseat and in its place comes a helplessness that is sapping and depressing. In the victim’s shoes, an individual often experiences “stuckness”, considering the perceived loss of power makes them feel like the situation can’t ever change.

As against actively working to change your circumstance, a victim partakes in blaming the other people involved for their own suffering.

Oppression, real or perceived become a consistent theme to anyone who resorts to playing this role often. 

 

What its like being the “persecutor”?

When you or your context presents the persecutor theme, you might be seen as controlling, oppressive, angry and malicious. Persecutors typically like to be in total control, lest the context puts them into the victim’s shoes.

Condescension and defense are also part and parcel of the persecutor theme. Remember the aspect of my friend’s behaviour I mentioned earlier, where she would go into fits of anger and throw things around the house? That’s a classic persecutor at work.

To get their own way, they will do anything, is the message the persecutor delivers as a sub-text. The “stuckness” of the persecutor lies in being inflexible and in the inability to register no other point of view, except from the one they hold sacred. 

 

What its like being the “rescuers”?

In this role, you or anyone else will feel the need to “fix” what is wrong for the victim.

The worth of the rescuer lies in identifying with the victim and feeling on their behalf, also to then act on their behalf. This is the third wheel of this co-dependent cycle that Stephen Karpman called the “Karpman Drama Triangle”.

The rescuer also experiences a “stuckness”, one where they attach their worth to the solutions they can offer. What they might often not be in touch with is a deeper need to be also cared for and be seen exactly as they are. This takes a certain amount of vulnerability and the rescuer might find it more comfortable to operate from a problem-solver stance.

In essence, the rescuer is perpetually rising up to meet the needs of others, while neglecting their own. 

 

What’s the way out of the drama?

The first thing to remember when you read about the Karpman Drama Triangle, is that it is an unconscious process.

It’s not like you or anyone else intends to create a phenomenon that is bound in toxicity and disharmony. To break it down a little more, the triangle is often a result of early dysfunctional behaviours we learn to survive and deal with conflict.

It also defines the way we perceived and connected with primary caregivers, without having access to a more “adult” way of functioning.

The White Knight Syndrome: Understanding and Overcoming It

The White Knight Syndrome Understanding and OverComing It

Rescue yourself from the need to rescue damsels in distress. 

Do You Have White Knight Syndrome?

white knight syndrome

I’ve talked a lot about the various subsets of geek guys who have issues with relating to women as individuals, rather than an idolized goddess figure. We’ve talked about the Nice Guy, and the perils of the Geek Girl fantasy. Now it’s time to cover another branch of nerds and the issues they have with regard to women.

You may have encountered them before. Hell, you may have been one of them before. God knows I was, back in my younger days.

They are the ones who dream about being the great hero, riding in on their charger (or motorcycle, muscle car, what have you) to save the damsel in distress. They’re the ones who try to live by a self-imposed anachronistic code of chivalry and gallantry. They’re the ones attracted to the “distressed”, the depressed, needy or damaged women, convinced that they can “rescue” them from themselves.

They’re the ones who don’t realize just how insulting their attitudes are… or how potentially dangerous.

I’m speaking, of course, of The White Knight.

Hi! I represent your fear that if you don’t trick a woman into loving you, you’ll die alone!

If you or anyone you know has ever shown signs of White Knight Syndrome, you’re gonna want to read this.

 

What Is White Knight Syndrome?

white knight syndrome

White Knights are a subset of the classic Nice Guy, with a twist. Where a Nice Guy is passive, hoping that mere proximity and obsequiousness will eventually win a woman’s heart, a White Knight is active, working to “rescue” a woman in “distress”. Unlike an Orbiter, White Knights will actually take an active role with the women they’re drawn to, turning themselves into a combination protective – and – nurturing figure.

White Knights are attracted to “endangered” women, usually women with emotional issues or ones who have histories of abuse, trauma or addiction issues. They frequently have an overly idealized and romanticized vision of the women they focus on, and see them as impossibly pure and good. Similarly, White Knights see themselves as having only the purest of motivations, hoping to “save” women out of a sense of heroic altruism and expecting no reward other than the deed itself.

They are, of course, lying to themselves.

White Knights are frequently virgins or have had very few serious relationships. They frequently have little experience with attracting or dating women and often try to compensate for a lack of game by adopting an antiquated and romanticized code of chivalry instead, with an emphasis on treating women with respect and deference. The White Knight has severe issues with self-worth; he feels that he has little to offer to a woman, so he hopes to prove his worthiness by “rescuing” her instead.

Since there’s a dearth of dragons and ogres to be slain, and most of the trolls are infesting blogs and forums instead of hiding under bridges, White Knights focus on women with issues – usually involving substance abuse, past trauma or chronic illnesses, whether emotional or physical.

White Knights fall hard for the Woobie. Although they will rarely admit it to anyone – or even to themselves – they’re motivated by the hope that by “rescuing” the fair damsel, she will be so overcome with gratitude that she will reward him with her love or at least her body.

Ditch The Drama In Your Relationship By Breaking The Karpman Drama Triangle

karpman drama triangle

If you are having relationship problems, it may be because you are stuck in The Karpman Drama Triangle

Are your personal relationships strained or combative?

Are you seeing signs of a toxic relationship with someone you thought you could trust?

Do you often find yourself in power struggles with friends or people at work?

If so, you could be playing one or more roles within the Karpman Drama Triangle and not even know it.

But, you can be more aware of — and break free of — these manipulative dynamics and prevent yourself from falling into unhealthy relationships once and for all.

The Drama Triangle was developed in the 1960s by psychiatrist Stephen Karpman. It explains what creates unhealthy relationships between people.

Karpman observed that anytime we feel angry, victimized, or misunderstood, it’s because we’ve slipped into one of three unconscious and disempowering roles:

karpman drama triangle

  • The Persecutor: Plays the role of the bully, criticizing and blaming others in order to disconnect from more vulnerable feelings.
  • The Victim: Avoids making decisions, solving problems, or taking responsibility for their circumstances. Instead, they attempt to get their needs met indirectly — and will blame others if things don’t work out.
  • The Rescuer: The self-proclaimed hero or good guy. If we’re caught up in this role, we try to help others even when it violates their boundaries. We try to rescue others even at the expense of ourselves. Later, we may feel resentful if that person fails to give us the acknowledgment we think we deserve.

 

In an unhealthy relationship, these three roles are highly interchangeable — meaning we may cycle in and out of them many times in a single conversation.

For example, the perpetrator, realizing his outburst has triggered sadness in his target, may suddenly try to rescue that person. And the target, who was moments ago a victim of the perpetrator’s anger, may switch into the role of perpetrator and lash out.

Regardless of which role we play, participating in the Drama Triangle is an exhausting way to live. We may succeed in controlling others in the short term. But in the long run, we deny ourselves the power to create relationships based on mutual respect and joy.

What makes matters worse is that our participation in these dramas is often unconscious. We simply reenact the same scenarios we saw being played out in our families of origin. So, if you want healthy relationships, it’s time to change things.

Here are 3 principles to help you recognize when you’ve fallen into the Drama Triangle so you can break free from it once and for all.

ditch the karpman drama triangle

1. It only takes one

So often, we’re motivated to change our behavior because we want someone else to improve theirs. But this is a trap that puts our happiness in the hands of someone else.

Begin by acknowledging that no matter how anyone interacts with you, you have the power to choose a different response. By choosing to deliberately respond rather than reflexively react, you set into motion an entirely different outcome.

 

2. Your words have power

Our words reflect our dominant perspective and mindset. They are the building blocks that we use to create our day to day reality.

Language such as “can’t”, “should/shouldn’t”, “ought to”, “have to”, etc. are indications that we have fallen into Victim, Perpetrator, or Rescuer mode. When you’re using words to conceal your true needs or desires, you’re in the Drama Triangle. The same thing goes when you’re withholding communication out of fear of others’ reactions.

In every moment, we have the choice to look for what’s working well or to focus on what’s missing or lacking. One thought pathway leads to freedom and personal responsibility; the other to a mindset of lack and blame.

The words you use will clue you into which way you’re headed.

 

3. You are responsible for guarding your own energy

You have a built-in guidance system that always lets you know when something or someone is negatively affecting your energy. This internal GPS speaks to you in the language of your emotions.

The moment you begin to feel stressed out, annoyed or defensive, give yourself permission to disengage. Your emotional guidance system will alert you as to whether you are heading down a path of empowerment or one of bondage.

The Love Tank Theory – How To Make Love Last

love tank

A couple’s Love Tank is filled by the frequency of emotional connections and is drained by the ways a couple disconnects.

  • “Our relationship is emotionally dead.”
  • “We never talk anymore.”
  • “My partner is distant, and we never have any fun.”

My inbox is full of emails like this.

These couples often ask, “How did we get here?”

Have you ever had that thought about your relationship?

Lasting love is like taking a lifelong road trip. Many of us get lost during our journey. Maybe we take a wrong turn by saying something mean, and in our own hurt we avoid making an attempt to turn back around to get on the correct road. Eventually, our relationship runs out of gas and we become stranded.

The absence of loving moments of connection may lead you to check into what Dr. Gottman calls the Roach Motel for Lovers. It’s a nasty place where conflict goes unrepaired, you feel emotionally abandoned, and you consistently become so emotionally flooded that it becomes impossible to resolve your issues.

 

The Empty Love Tank

The heart of practically all relationship distress is not conflict, but rather a lack of connection.

Dr. Sue Johnson argues that hostility, criticism, and demands are really cries for emotional connection.

Dr. Gottman’s research highlights how couples with lasting and happy relationships have a strong friendship, intimately know each other, and have more positive moments of connection than negative.

  • 20 positive moments to every negative moment outside of conflict
  • 5 positive moments to every negative moment during a conflict

Attachment research advocates for a secure emotional connection as vital to our happiness, self-esteem, and personal development. This is true in our childhood as well as in our adulthood.

To check this, ask yourself: What is the cruelest punishment in the world?

The answer is solitary confinement; complete disconnection from other humans.

As humans, we are wired to connect with other people and when we are disconnected, we suffer immensely. We feel empty, lonely, and broken.

This is why we must learn how to get the love we need and how to give the love our partner needs.

 

Your Relationship’s Love Tank

In Dr. Gary Chapman’s popular book, The Five Love Languages, he writes that every person has a Love Tank. I would like to propose that every relationship has its own Love Tank.

A couple’s Love Tank is filled by the frequency of emotional connections and is drained by the ways a couple disconnects.

In your daily life, there are events that fill up your Love Tank. These include emotional and physical affection, your partner asking about your day, helping out with laundry, and weekly dates. Your partner’s Love Tank also gets filled up in ways that are sometimes similar, sometimes different.

There are also events that empty your Love Tank such as work stress, an unresponsive partner, conflict that doesn’t get resolved, broken trust, a lack of affection, and other forms of disconnection that drain your energy. Some incidents drain your Love Tank faster than others.

love tank

Some events that empty our Love Tank may be negative at first, but can actually improve a relationship over time. Conflict is a great example. You may have a difficult argument that is stressful and tense, but the end result is a greater amount in the Love Tank than the initial amount drained. You actually learned how to love your partner better and they learned how to love you better—that produces connection to refill your Love Tank.

love tank conflict

During this conflict, you may have resolved an important issue which will bring you closer and create a deeper sense of we-ness. These events may have a positive result in the end, but are still outputs that require inputs, such as a repair, to deepen a romantic bond and fill up a relationship’s Love Tank.

The positive moments of connection must exceed the negative moments of connection to maintain a full Love Tank. Dr. Gottman’s research also validates how negative moments drain a Love Tank faster than positive moments fill it up.

7 Signs Of True Love From A Man

7 signs of true love from a man

If your man truly loves you, this true love will be reflected in his actions.

The adage “actions speak louder than words” rings truer than ever when it comes to dating and relationships.

Anyone can tell you what you want to hear – but only someone who actually MEANS what they say will make sure their actions back up their words.

 

7 signs of true love from a man:

1. He includes you in every part of his life.

When a man loves a woman he wants to integrate her into his life, and bring her around his family and friends. He wants them to love you, and for you to love them. He wants you to be an extension of him and include you in important events and milestones.

2. He tries to give more than he takes.

Real love is about giving and contributing to your partner’s life. A man who loves you will give to you in the best ways he knows how. He will care for you, respect you, listen to you, and adore you. He won’t drain your energy or make you feel like giving is only one sided.

Great relationships are not about give and take, they are about give and give.

 

3. It’s not ‘me’, it’s ‘us’.

You were two separate individuals, but now are a combined team. When a man is in love he will see you as inseparable. This includes when RSVPing to an event, talking about a vacation, or looking into the future,  Where he goes, he wants you to go and vice versa.  It is no longer ‘my life,’ it is ‘our life.’

 

4. He really sees YOU.

How many people really see you? How many people hear what you’re not saying?

A man who loves you will pay such close attention to you that he will notice details that nobody else does. He will learn what makes you happy, sad, angry, or ecstatic. This awareness will help him love your more. It shows him all the small details he loves about you.

 

5. Your happiness is his happiness.

When a man truly loves you he shares in your happiness and lends you his strength to ease your pain. Being in love is about being teammates who always supporting each other. A man in love will want to see you happy and work to make it happen.

 

6. He’s there for you even on the rainy days.

Life is not always sunshine and rainbows. It can be difficult. Any man can stay next to you on the sunny days, but the true test of his love will be during the rainy days.

Does he hold the “umbrella” over you on the rainy days?

There will be challenges, losses, and failures, but the right man will stand in front of you when you need protection, behind you when you need support, and next to you when you need a partner.

 

7. You will know.

When a man truly loves and cares about you he will make it known. He will put in the effort consistently, and back up his words with actions. You won’t have to wonder about his feelings, he will tell you and show you.

 

The interesting thing about love is that we all communicate and receive it in our own unique ways.

So tell me in the comments, which one of the true love signs means the most to YOU? Or if I missed one, what would you add to the list? – James


Written by
Originally appeared in The Good Men Project

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8 Immature Dating Habits Grown Men Need To Leave Behind

8 Immature Dating Habits Grown Men Need To Leave Behind

When it comes to dating, forming immature habits can hurt your chances of connecting with your woman.

As we grow, advance, and [hopefully] mature as adults, the ways we live our lives should progress at an equal pace. What I find to be some sort of epidemic these days is otherwise seemingly mature and well-adjusted men have stuck to the dating habits they learned in their early 20’s, or maybe even late teens.

Back in those days [Listen to me, sounding like an adult now that I’ve turned 30], a lot of different things accomplished a lot of different goals. Maybe you didn’t really want a serious relationship.

Maybe you hadn’t really figured out yourself or what you were looking for. But now that you have matured past that phase in your life, you cannot expect to get better results by utilizing the same old techniques.

If you are going to find yourself a nice girl who you’d feel comfortable bringing home to mom, there are some strategies that you’re going to have to leave behind – because they just don’t cut it anymore.

 

8 immature dating habits that grown men need to leave behind:

1. The ‘let’s just see where this goes’ technique.

As you reach your 30’s, and definitely after you hit them, women are past the point of wasting their time with guys who aren’t serious about a future. Women are driven, successful, independent, and want to be with a man who they can consider an equal teammate in life and in love.

The whole ‘I’m still figuring life out’ thing isn’t going to cut it with a mature, established woman. Trust me, I know better than anyone that life is tough and a lot of us probably have no idea what the hell we’re doing. It’s not about having all of the answers – because nobody does – but it is about having some semblance of a path in life that will make her feel comfortable committing to you for the long run.

Nobody wants to plan a future with someone who doesn’t have a future planned for themselves.

 

2. The ‘I’ll wait 3 days to call’ and other nonsense.

Traditional antiquated dating ‘rules’ go out the window when a certain level of maturity is reached. Call when you want to call, text when you want to text. There are no rules or regulations when building a mature, healthy relationship.

If you start overthinking everything and only doing what you think you’re supposed to do (or not do), then the genuineness of your actions begins to fade and give way to a more robotic structure to your relationship.

How can someone get to know the real you if you are manufacturing every step you take? Oh, they can’t.

 

3. ‘Hey, wanna meet up?’ texts.

I’ve mentioned this one a few times before because it’s an ongoing issue. If you want a woman to take you seriously, you need to let her know that you’re taking getting to know her seriously.

A last minute text to see if she wants to ‘meet up’ somewhere you’re going to be, isn’t exactly sending the message that you’re willing to put in effort for her.

Meeting up for a drink is not a date. Grabbing a coffee is not a date. A last minute text inviting her to join you out with your group of friends is not a date. Using the actual word and properly inviting a woman on a date is the first step to actually making it one. The next step is actually taking the time to plan something out.

Stand out from the crowd by showing her you are different than all the other guys – because you are.

 

4. Using your phone during the date.

Honestly, this is so cringe-worthy that I hate to even need to bring it up – but I do. Maybe when you’re younger you can both play around on the Instagram machine while you’re waiting for your fries and chocolate shake to be roller-skated over to the car. But, you’re an adult now, and it’s time to control your impulsive urges to check Facebook every 5 seconds.

I know that you’re important and you need to see who just liked your profile photo, but when you are on a date with a real-live woman who is deserving of your attention, that’s precisely what you should be giving her.

Why Love Hurts In A Relationship: 5 Unexpected Reasons

Why Love Hurts In A Relationship 5 Unexpected Reasons

Why everyday, loving relationships can be painful.. why love hurts in relationships

Why does love hurt? I mean, seriously.

Love in the movies is full of roses and sunshine but, for some reason, in real life it’s different.

Being in love means being in pain. Maybe not all of the time but certainly some of the time.

Many people are in pain because they are actually being physically or psychically abused by their partner. We aren’t going to talk about that today.

We are going to talk about why every day, regular, loving relationships can be painful.

The answers might surprise you!

1. The uncertainty about the future.

When you are wondering why does love hurt one of the biggest reasons is because of the uncertainty of it all.

Love is wonderful and when we are falling in it we feel so wonderful and secure. And happy. And we get accustomed, in a way, to that security and comfort and we don’t want it to go away.

Unfortunately, there are no guarantees in love. We know that from experience. And our hearts are so scared that this relationship will turn out like others and will cause us pain. Again.

So, it’s the not knowing the future of our relationship – how it will turn out – that causes us physical pain.

The anxiety can cause stomach pain, heart ache that feels real, head fog and other physical symptoms. Symptoms that cause us literal and figurative pain.

Try to manage your worries about the future. No one knows what will happen and worrying about it will only take away from the happiness that you are feeling right now.

 

2. The expectations of what could be.

Unfortunately, it’s that darn future that causes love to hurt in a relationship.

For many of us, living in the moment is very difficult. Instead of enjoying where we are right now, we project ahead to the future.

Even if you are secure in your relationship, wondering what is next can cause physical and psychic pain.

It’s those questions that you run over and over in your head that do it. When will I see him again? What will we do, if anything, this weekend?  When can we move in together? When will she introduce me to her friends?

Again, worrying about the future, even in a secure, committed relationship, can cause pain. The symptoms can be similar to those described above. You might also find yourself feeling needy and clingy, neither of which are very fun for your partner.

So, if this is you, worrying about the future constantly, try to let it go and focus on right now.

 

3. The chemical crash.

Another reason that love is so painful is because of our body’s chemistry.

When we are falling in love, all sorts of wonderful chemicals are coursing through our bodies.

Dopamine, Serotonin, Oxycontin and Endorphins are all stimulated when we are experiencing love and lust. Those chemicals feels SO good that they are, in a way, addictive. Because our bodies only produce them at certain times, like when we are falling in love or after we exercise, when we don’t have them we crave them.

You know how, when after a lovely weekend together, you separate and the feeling is intensely painful?

That is because your body is literally going into withdrawal of those chemicals that make you feel so good. And you won’t feel them again until you have some contact with your person.

This withdrawal is extremely painful and we will do just about anything to ease the pain. This need leads to anxiety about when we will see them again and the suffering is intensified.

If they are struggling with withdrawal pain, I encourage my clients to exercise.

Dopamine, serotonin, Oxycontin and endorphins are generated by exercise and you can, at least temporarily, get those chemicals coursing through your blood again and alleviate that pain.

6 Ways To Get Someone To Like You Without Devaluing Yourself

6 Ways To Get Someone To Like You Without Devaluing Yourself

Are you worrying about how to get someone to like you but don’t want to devalue yourself?

Perhaps you have a certain someone in mind or perhaps you are just worried in general, that someday you might meet someone and you won’t know what to do?

Getting someone to like you, without losing yourself, is actually easier than you think and something that you can manage once you know the keys.

What are they?

6 Keys To get someone to like you, without devaluing yourself

1. Like yourself.

How can you expect someone to like you if you don’t like yourself?

The key to how to get someone to like you is to make sure that you are happy with who you are in the world. That you have done your work and are comfortable with yourself.

People who are damaged and unhappy tend to attract people who are also damaged and unhappy. Likewise, happy and confident people tend to attract happy and confident people.

So, have you done your work?

Are you happy with your career, your relationship with friends and family and your mental and physical health?

If any of things can use some improvement, I encourage you to get on them right away. Working on yourself is an excellent way to become happy and confident.

Fortunately, you don’t need to be all fixed before working to get someone to like you. If you have awareness about your issues and are actively working on them, it will show and you will attract someone who is also self-aware and evolving.

 

2. Be yourself always.

One of the biggest challenges in new relationships is that, because we want someone to like us, we aren’t always our true selves.

Instead, we put forward the best version of ourselves or even act like someone totally different. Our person falls for that person, not who we really are.

People who aren’t themselves in relationships are doomed to failure. Eventually our true selves come out and, when they do, they can scare your person away.

I can’t tell you how many of my clients who are going through a break-up say I wish things could go back to the way they were at the beginning. They can’t. And part of that is because at least one person wasn’t being themselves but instead being who they wanted to be.

And that, once gone, can never come back.

 

3. Be the best you.

We all have parts of ourselves that we really like and are proud of.

For me, I know that I am a really good question-asker. So, when I am getting to know someone, I ask a lot of questions. People like it when other people ask them questions so it often works well to get them to like me.

What is the best part of you? The part you like most. Have that part of you on display when you are working on getting someone to like you.

Relationships Aren’t Easy But They’re Totally Worth It

Sometimes one’s relationship might get difficult but they are the best things in one’s life.

I feel as though a lot of people who read my articles are under the impression that I am suggesting eventually someone is going to come into their life and every puzzle piece will simply pop into place.

Doves will fly out from behind you, a chorus will follow you around on every date, you will find a bag with 10 million dollars in the street, which you will use to move to Pleasantville, USA.

Sorry, it doesn’t work that way, and I never claimed that it did.

Life is messy. Relationships are messy. I have said in past articles that Love is not all you need. You need mutual respect, compromise, sacrifice, understanding, the willingness to work at it and stand by him or her when times get rough.

You need to be willing to be by their side not only during the bright days but also during the dark ones. To encourage them to become the best version of themselves, but also to love and accept them as they are today.

To be under the impression that the perfect person will come along, is to be under the impression that relationships do not take work.

When, in fact, no relationship has ever worked without work itself. When I look around at my parents, grandparents, or other couples who have been together for decades – I am often surprised by how different they are from each other. None of them will tell you that they have been married for 30+ years because the pieces just fell into place. None of them will tell you that they are free from fights, disagreements, or conflicts.

None of them will tell you that they will stay together forever because, hey, it’s easy. None of them will tell you that they pledged their life to the other because being with them is sunshine and rainbows every single day.

But, that’s the thing about love. When you love someone – when you really love someone, it’s not a matter of convenience. It’s not only something you feel when times are good, it is the very foundation of staying together when times are not as good. When they are bad. When life is tough. That’s when you pull those you love closer, not push them away. It’s the cornerstone of your willingness to fix something you might feel is broken instead of just throwing it away.

You are committing to someone’s whole self. You are not just committing to them under the condition that they stay young and beautiful – because they will not. And neither will you. You are not just committing to them until someone better comes along – you are committing to the idea while neither they nor your relationship is perfect – this is the person you want to be with. You are committing to their very being. To the idea that the two of you are the consistent center and your circumstances simply orbit around you.

You do not commit to someone because things are perfect, you commit to them in spite of the fact that they’re not.

Commitment is not just an arbitrary word to be found in the dictionary. It is not just a statement of temporary monogamy. It is a pledge, a vow, a way of living that embodies honor and integrity. Commitment is not a rule, or a regulation – it is an action.

Commitment is not the act of losing your freedom; but exercising it to choose who you want to give your most valuable gifts to:

Your time, your emotions, and your heart.

Sorry, you’ll never find the perfect person. But, you will find the right person, once you realize that the two do not have to be the same.


Written by
Originally appeared in The Good Men Project 

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6 Relationship Mistakes That Will Break You And Your Lover Apart

6 Relationship Mistakes That Will Break You And Your Lover Apart

Unintentionally you might be making relationship mistakes which is putting your relationship in jeopardy.

Love isn’t enough if you are experiencing a disconnection in your relationship. Love is easy.

But that doesn’t mean that your relationship is healthy or meant to last. How do relationships fail?

No matter how much you love each other, your relationship won’t last if you do certain things that show a lack of understanding between you and your partner.

6 relationship mistakes that will break you apart, no matter how much you love each other:

1. You don’t respect, support, honor, or share each other’s core values.

Your values are the baseline for who you are, whether they focused on family, curiosity, self-improvement, balance, compassion, drive, giving back — whatever is most important to you.

If your partner cannot respect and honor those in you and he doesn’t respect and honor you; if he resents you for who you are, the time that you dedicate to your values, verbal and physical expression of those values, then they are not for you and vice versa.

If your partner is about free-flowing and you like rules and structure, are you still able to respect each other and honor each other and your differences? If your partner is about being in the moment and you feel safe and secure by considering the future — in spending choices and indulgences — can you find balance in those two opposite believe systems?

If you cannot respect, honor, understand, integrate, or share values, you will find that you are constantly and consistently going up against each other’s values. They will be the source of your arguments, anger, and the eventual cause of your end.

 

2. You don’t respect, support, honor, or share each other’s lifestyle.

Lifestyle is extremely important, if not an essential element in a relationship. That being said, just because you have different lifestyles, does not mean that you can’t find a balance together. But it is essential to consider when it comes to things like religion, parenting styles, finances, social preferences, and communication.

Do you have very different priorities and expectations of yourself, life, and each other?

If you differ and are on opposite ends of the spectrum in these areas, you have to be realistic as to if you are a fit long term.

While it might be fine and even fun to be with your opposite, for now, does it have enduring potential?

 

3. You don’t communicate with each other on the same level.

Every individual creates a perspective and style based on past experiences, pain, insecurities, screw-ups, and lessons learned.

There are many different ways and styles of communication, but if you and your partner do not match up and cannot come to a place of understanding, then it’s like you’re speaking very different languages.

You may even be saying the same thing, yet you continue to argue because it is being expressed differently. How you communicate your needs, feelings, fears, excitement, and love must be heard by your partner.

If it is not heard and if you don’t feel heard, then you will feel alone, disrespected, slighted, and unimportant, even if your partner feels the exact opposite of the feelings that they are unintentionally instilling in you.

 

4. You view each other’s feelings as criticism.

When you voice your feelings, when you feel afraid, unhappy, confused, unfulfilled, or like your essential relationship needs are not being met, does your partner hear your feelings as criticism?

Are they constantly defensive when you speak your mind?

Do they make you feel like your feelings are ridiculous?

Do they minimize and marginalize what you are saying?

If that is the case, try couples counseling because the issue might be your differing communication styles. You might also have completely different opinions and priorities. And it is extremely difficult to have a relationship on that foundation.

 

5. You both have different time frames and partnership expectations.

If you want to get married within a year and a half and get knocked up within 2 years, you need to have a conversation with your partner about it. If you have different life expectations and your life desires are more important than your relationship, you have to talk about.

The Truth About Getting A Date

The Truth About Getting A Date

Are you failing to get your perfect date?

Most guys have it backwards.

They think that when they get a girlfriend, they will finally be happy.

Sorry to piss on your cornflakes but that’s not how it works.

If only someone explained this to me back in the day, I would’ve had less frustrations in my dating life.

To prove my point, let me ask you a question.

Have you ever met someone who became very “busy” after going on a few dates with you?

This happened to me A LOT and I couldn’t figure out why.Insanity is doing the same things over and over again expecting a different result.

So I took a step back to asses what’s going on.

Let me share with you what I discovered.

When a woman meets you for the first time, she’s assessing subconsciously what type of life she’s gonna have with you.

Is it going to be exciting and spontaneous OR is it going to be lame and predictable?

It’s a bit of a tough pill to swallow, isn’t it?

Here’s the ugly truth about getting a girlfriend. You may not like it but I’ll tell you anyway.

You don’t attract what you want. You attract who you are. The moment you’re happy on your own is when the right relationship enters your life. I know this from experience.

Back in the day, I had nothing going for me. I had no hobbies, was out of shape and barely had friends.

Whenever I’d meet a girl, I would be OBSESSED with them. My sense of self-worth was based on whether they like me or not. Of course, none of them would want to go out with me.

Looking back now, I really couldn’t blame them. Who would want to date someone who lived such a boring life?

That’s when I took a break from dating and decided to focus on myself.

I started going to the gym, reading interesting books and taking up new hobbies. Overtime, I started to really like my own company. I valued my opinion more and did more things that I enjoyed.

And then something strange happened. Women were suddenly more interested in me.

If I go on a bad date or someone didn’t text me back right away, I was less reactive. I knew that I had better things to do than worry about something so petty.

Funny how that works, huh?

The better you become as a man, the higher quality relationships you’ll attract in your life. Whoever says otherwise is selling you hype.


Written by Myke Macapinlac
Originally appeared in The Good Men Project

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5 Damaging Mindsets Keeping You From A Happy Relationship

5 Damaging Mindsets Keeping You From A Happy Relationship

It might be your mindset which is damaging the healthy growth of your relationship.

As I close in on the two year anniversary of starting this website, I have had countless conversations with people who are in all phases of life. Men, women, boys, girls, single, married, divorced, and everything in between.

When you really stop to listen and pay attention, there are many lessons to be taken away from these interactions. Insights into the thoughts and feelings of others, as well as the ability to reflect on your own.

Some of these include varying degrees of what could be considered self-sabotage. Of course, many of us have been jaded along the way, taken advantage of, taken for granted, or unappreciated. This can permeate a new relationship, as we have a hard time letting go of the damage from the old.

It is important that we stay positive and true to ourselves in order to find a happy relationship.

5 damaging mindsets that could be keeping you from finding the happiness you deserve.

1. You are expecting to find the ‘perfect relationship.’

While, needless to say, the perfect relationship doesn’t actually exist, I feel that many people are becoming less and less likely to be willing to put the required work and effort into building something alongside a teammate. They are walking away at the first sign of difficulty, and it is preventing deep, meaningful relationships from actually developing.

No matter how easy and carefree myself or anyone else makes it sound like a relationship is, there are always going to be challenges you face.

But, that’s what makes you and your partner stronger together. It’s what bonds you together as you overcome these obstacles as a team. It is what it means to be truly committed to the person you love.

 

2. You have not yet recognized your own self worth.

Relationships are not only about finding the right person to be with, they are also about being the right person to be with. For many of us, we do not just wake up one day and instantly become that person. We need to put in the time and effort to develop ourselves accordingly.

The bottom line is that “we accept the love we think we deserve,” and you get to decide what you deserve. Someone’s inability to see your value does not make you any less valuable, that’s why it’s called self worth. It’s up to you, not them.

If you do not feel like you truly deserve to be happy, you will always find yourself sabotaging the situations which can bring it to you. Stop being the victim, and start being the victor.

 

3. You are actually scared of finding happiness.

I remember a long time ago people used to talk to me about the concept of being scared of becoming successful. I never really understood what they meant, how could you be scared of success? How could you be scared of happiness?

Both success and happiness require risk. They require much more risk than mediocrity or just settling. Taking the safe path through the woods. Living a ‘beige’ life. And, it can be scary. It can be scary to think of falling for someone who does not fall for you in return. It can be scary to imagine giving too much to someone without them giving in return. But, without risk, there is no reward.

Fortune favors the bold, not just in life, but also in love.

 

4. You never think the timing is right.

Life gets crazy, we all get busy, and it becomes difficult to imagine shifting around our schedule in order to accommodate that of a whole other person in order to build a relationship with them.

The timing isn’t right, but you will be able to focus more after you reach your next goal. Or, after you make this deadline. Or, after your new assistant gets hired.

Whatever it may be, there is always an excuse that seems to keep us from doing what it is that we really want to do. “Someday” is not a day of the week, and it never actually shows up on the calendar. There is no perfect moment, but what there is, is the ability to take the moment and make it perfect.

5 Body Language Signs Of Attraction Backed By Science

5 Body Language Signs Of Attraction Backed By Science

They say that body language accounts for more in human communication than speech. But how does this translate over to the language of love?

A person’s body languages make for the most credible signs of attraction, because one cannot fake them.

If you’re single and looking to mingle, chances are you’ll actively seek the companionship you want.

Whether it is to test the waters and then get into a committed relationship or keep things light with someone you really like, wanting a connection that is based on attraction is obvious. The more attracted you are to a person, the more the connection can flow wherever it needs to.

On that note though, you might be wondering if it’s really possible to tell if someone you’re attracted to, is also attracted you. Evolutionarily, both men and women are geared to watch out for signs that someone they are interested in are also interested in them.

Researcher Monica Moore from Webster University of course has found that men tend to miss out on cues more often women, who seem more in tune with observing and noting of body language cues. 

Here are some signals for you to follow if you’re eager to read what’s expressed through the body language of a person.

1. Open posture

 

This is perhaps the simplest way of telling that a person finds you safe, non-threatening and perhaps even interesting.

Whether it is man or woman, body language that is “open”, and this includes uncrossed arms, nothing blocking the way like a bag or purse, a relaxed face and an easy stance.

All of this put together, often means the person feels relaxed enough with you around. This, any day, is the first sign of opening up.

The open posture definition also extends to the way a man stands and a woman sits.

If a man stands, his feet firmly planted into the ground, his body stretching vertically to show his full height, it’s a huge possibility that they are eager to know the person in front of them.

With women, if they relax back into their chairs and also have the inner sides of their palms and wrists showing, trust and eagerness to know more become clearer.

A study conducted by Vacharkulksemsuk and Associates in 2016 exploring the non-verbal behavior of speed-daters, revealed that an open body language is in fact deemed attractive in both men and women. Analyses as a follow-up looked at why openness and expansiveness were both so attractive, and the conclusion was reached that such body language actually plays on “perceived dominance”.

In either case, such a dominance indicates confidence of the potential mate in their social status as well as resources they would be inclined to sharing with their partner.