3 Questions To Ask Your Partner Before Marriage

 / 

,
questions to ask before marriage

Marriage is a big step, there are a lot of things to think about before you say “I do.” Not sure where to begin? Here are some questions to ask before marriage. Consider asking these marriage questions before marrying your partner.

When I was a teenager, I learned that three other men, in addition to my dad, had proposed to my mom. She turned them down. At the time, this was a real surprise to me. Multiple marriage proposals brought to mind Scarlett O’Hara flirtatiously holding court on the front porch at Tara – not my straight-ahead mother. I imagined that my dad must have really swept her off her feet.

One day I asked her, “What made you say yes to Dad?” I was expecting a story of head-spinning romance. Instead, she said, “Well, I knew he was someone I could figure things out with.” At the time the answer fell flat. How boring! But now, many years into my own marriage, and having sat court-side to many marriages in my work as a couples therapist, I see that her answer was profound.

Life is essentially one long problem solving exercise, so the person you choose to partner with better be someone who can help you figure things out. Here are three questions to ask yourself before you decide if you want to spent the rest of your life figuring things out with this person.

3 Questions To Ask Before Marriage

3 Questions To Ask Before Marriage

1. Is This Person’s Happiness And Growth As Important To Me As My Own? (And Is The Opposite Also True?)

As much progress as has been made around gender roles and expectations in recent years, it is still true that women are typically socialized to put everyone else’s happiness above their own. At the same time men are taught that as long as they fulfill their role as the provider, everything else will fall into place. The cracks in this particular arrangement often don’t show until years in, with one person seething and the other bewildered. Both feeling like the wronged party because they had held up their part of the bargain.

We are each responsible for our own happiness and growth, both personally and professionally. Blaming your partner that you never reached your potential professionally or had the life you’d hoped for is an excuse. That said, the best partner on the marriage journey is someone who is invested in your success and happiness and you in theirs. This requires a lot more talking and compromise than a marriage following the old gender norms did, but this new paradigm leads to a dynamic, connected and fulfilling relationship.

Related: 10 Upfront Conversations Before Getting Married

2. Do We Share Expectations About What Our Life Together Will Be?

This is an obvious one, but it is shocking how often big issues, often around money, family and sex, are ignored until after life commitments have been made. When we’re first falling in love, we focus and delight in what we have in common. Differences recede into the background and are minimized. Once we get to know each other better, the difference surge forward, demanding to be dealt with.

What do you expect your life and relationship to look like in 5 years? How about 10? If you had envisioned moving closer to family after having kids, but your spouse swears she will die in the city you live in now, what are you going to do about that? Is being in a relationship with this person worth it to you to make this compromise? If so, what are the two of you going to do as a couple to make this work for both of you? What will you get in return? Marriages are built on these agreements. If you and your partner are feeling stuck around these issues, couples counseling can help enormously.

3. Really, Is This Someone I Can Figure Things Out With?

People who scream, throw/break things, hit or push, give the silent treatment, drink too much, withhold love and intimacy if they don’t get what they want, disappear unexpectedly, or break commitments, are not people you can figure things out with. They are people who cannot manage themselves and are not good problem solvers. Often times a partner who engages in this type of behavior is dealing with unresolved trauma, or underlying emotional health issues, and can absolutely change with the right therapy and support. That said, as adults we are responsible for our own behavior, all of it, regardless of our childhoods or past hurts.

Trying to build a life with someone who has not learned to manage and take responsibility for their behavior is like buying a car knowing its brakes only work intermittently. You want a fully functioning car. Marriage to the right person can immeasurably enrich your life. Most of us want to partner up and face life’s challenges with a great person by our side. But if you can’t answer the above questions affirmatively, the institution will feel like an albatross, not a support. Choose wisely.

Related: 30 Characteristics of Happy Couples

We all have relationship questions before marrying the love of our lives. Did you find the right questions to ask before marriage? Share your thoughts.


Written by: Tonya Lester
Originally appeared on: TONYA LESTER, LCSW
Republished with permission
Want more? Check out Tonya's Instagram: @tonyalesterpsychotherapy
questions to ask before marriage pin

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply



Up Next

6 Minutes To Improve Your Relationship: How To Have Better Communication With Your Partner

Minutes To Improve Your Relationship?

If you are thinking about how to improve your relationship, then you have come to the right place. How to better communicate with your partner? Communication is crucial to building a healthy relationship, and this article is going to talk about that. Let’s explore how to have better communication with your partner.

KEY POINTS

The three keys to communication are speaking openly, listening empathically, and reflecting back.

We usually skip reflection, so the speaker does not know if they have been heard.

A simple practice of reflection can build this skill.

Does your par



Up Next

6 Unconventional Relationship Choices That May Seem Weird, But They Do Work

Unconventional Relationship Choices That Actually Work

Unconventional relationship choices, huh? They’re like the hidden gems of the dating world, the rebels of romance, the quirks that keep love alive. Even though traditional relationships have their own appeal and charm, sometimes it’s the unconventional that brings some excitement into our lives.

From open relationships to living apart together, these relationship choices may be frowned upon, but for many people, these are the relationship choices that work the best for them. To each his own, you know.

Such non traditional relationships go against what most people think is normal, however, they show us that l



Up Next

7 Research Backed Relationship Remedies

Research Backed Relationship Remedies

When it comes to dealing with relationship problems, science can prove to be really helpful and can provide you with some substantial research-backed relationship remedies. This article is going to talk about some of the most effective and useful relationship remedies that can make a huge difference to your relationship.

You may think these should go without saying, but in my personal and professional experience, they have not.

7 Research Backed Relationship Remedies

1. Be Quick to Repair Injury

One day, my wife sensed my odd vibe, I didn’t like her asking, and it gr



Up Next

What is a Trophy Husband In Today’s Relationship Dynamics?

Signs of a Trophy Husband: Exploring Modern Masculinity

Most of us are aware of the term “trophy wife”. But have you heard about a “trophy husband”? It is a somewhat new term that is a gender-swapped version of the more popular concept of “trophy wife”. 

In today’s evolving society, where gender roles are constantly being redefined, there’s a rising trend of trophy husbands. These men are not only eye-catching companions but also possess qualities that make them desirable partners. 

Today, let us explore this fascinating concept and understand what is a trophy husband,  the signs to look for, why being a trophy husband is exhausting, and the potential issues that can arise in relationships with them.

What is a Trophy Husband?



Up Next

Feeling Like Roommates In A Marriage? 7 Signs Of Roommate Syndrome And What You Can Do To Change That

Feeling Like Roommates In A Marriage? Signs Spark Is Gone

Are you feeling like roommates in a marriage? You know, that sinking feeling when you realize the spark has fizzled, and your relationship has become more about paying bills and coordinating schedules than love and connection.

The thing is, roommate syndrome is more common than you think, and many couples face this, after being together for a long time. When you are in the roommate phase of a relationship, you might ask yourself why and when the romance disappeared or if you’re both just pretending to be happy.

But that might not be the case. In this article, we are going to look at what is roommate syndrome, the signs of roommate syndrome, and how to deal with roommate syndrome, so that you stop feeling like roommates in a marriage.

So, let’s get started, shall we?



Up Next

8 Ways To Upgrade Your Relationship

Ways To Upgrade Your Relationship

Do you feel like your relationship has lost that spark from before? If you answered yes, then you should know that many couples go through this, which is why it’s important to know how to improve your relationship. This article is going to talk about how to strengthen your relationship and upgrade your relationship.

It seems like it should be natural to treat our partners with love, consideration, and respect. Yet, for many people in long-term relationships, the warmth and kindness that were present in the early days of dating can fade over time.

Most people treat their partners with the utmost respect and kindness in the courting stage. The relationship probably wouldn’t have progressed if they hadn’t. Why do so many people present the best version of themselves early on, and over time, treat their beloved partners with disrespect, di



Up Next

5 Ways To Rekindle The Spark In Your Relationship

Ways To Rekindle The Spark In Your Relationship

If you feel that the spark in your relationship is gone, then let me tell you something – you can rekindle the spark in your relationship again! Now the question is, how to reignite the spark in your relationship? How can you make your relationship feel like the olden days again? Let’s find out!

Remember the feelings you experienced when you first started dating your spouse or partner? Perhaps you felt excitement, attraction, and anticipation? As the relationship has progressed, has it been difficult to maintain those initial feelings?

Once life’s responsibilities, careers, kids, and the passing of time are added to the mix, that initial spark can easily diminish if we don’t keep it stoked.

Fortunately