3 Questions To Ask Your Partner Before Marriage

 / 

,
questions to ask before marriage

Marriage is a big step, there are a lot of things to think about before you say “I do.” Not sure where to begin? Here are some questions to ask before marriage. Consider asking these marriage questions before marrying your partner.

When I was a teenager, I learned that three other men, in addition to my dad, had proposed to my mom. She turned them down. At the time, this was a real surprise to me. Multiple marriage proposals brought to mind Scarlett Oโ€™Hara flirtatiously holding court on the front porch at Tara โ€“ not my straight-ahead mother. I imagined that my dad must have really swept her off her feet.

One day I asked her, โ€œWhat made you say yes to Dad?โ€ I was expecting a story of head-spinning romance. Instead, she said, โ€œWell, I knew he was someone I could figure things out with.โ€ At the time the answer fell flat. How boring! But now, many years into my own marriage, and having sat court-side to many marriages in my work as a couples therapist, I see that her answer was profound.

Life is essentially one long problem solving exercise, so the person you choose to partner with better be someone who can help you figure things out. Here are three questions to ask yourself before you decide if you want to spent the rest of your life figuring things out with this person.

3 Questions To Ask Before Marriage

3 Questions To Ask Before Marriage

1. Is This Personโ€™s Happiness And Growth As Important To Me As My Own? (And Is The Opposite Also True?)

As much progress as has been made around gender roles and expectations in recent years, it is still true that women are typically socialized to put everyone elseโ€™s happiness above their own. At the same time men are taught that as long as they fulfill their role as the provider, everything else will fall into place. The cracks in this particular arrangement often donโ€™t show until years in, with one person seething and the other bewildered. Both feeling like the wronged party because they had held up their part of the bargain.

We are each responsible for our own happiness and growth, both personally and professionally. Blaming your partner that you never reached your potential professionally or had the life youโ€™d hoped for is an excuse. That said, the best partner on the marriage journey is someone who is invested in your success and happiness and you in theirs. This requires a lot more talking and compromise than a marriage following the old gender norms did, but this new paradigm leads to a dynamic, connected and fulfilling relationship.

Related: 10 Upfront Conversations Before Getting Married

2. Do We Share Expectations About What Our Life Together Will Be?

This is an obvious one, but it is shocking how often big issues, often around money, family and sex, are ignored until after life commitments have been made. When weโ€™re first falling in love, we focus and delight in what we have in common. Differences recede into the background and are minimized. Once we get to know each other better, the difference surge forward, demanding to be dealt with.

What do you expect your life and relationship to look like in 5 years? How about 10? If you had envisioned moving closer to family after having kids, but your spouse swears she will die in the city you live in now, what are you going to do about that? Is being in a relationship with this person worth it to you to make this compromise? If so, what are the two of you going to do as a couple to make this work for both of you? What will you get in return? Marriages are built on these agreements. If you and your partner are feeling stuck around these issues, couples counseling can help enormously.

3. Really, Is This Someone I Can Figure Things Out With?

People who scream, throw/break things, hit or push, give the silent treatment, drink too much, withhold love and intimacy if they donโ€™t get what they want, disappear unexpectedly, or break commitments, are not people you can figure things out with. They are people who cannot manage themselves and are not good problem solvers. Often times a partner who engages in this type of behavior is dealing with unresolved trauma, or underlying emotional health issues, and can absolutely change with the right therapy and support. That said, as adults we are responsible for our own behavior, all of it, regardless of our childhoods or past hurts.

Trying to build a life with someone who has not learned to manage and take responsibility for their behavior is like buying a car knowing its brakes only work intermittently. You want a fully functioning car. Marriage to the right person can immeasurably enrich your life. Most of us want to partner up and face lifeโ€™s challenges with a great person by our side. But if you canโ€™t answer the above questions affirmatively, the institution will feel like an albatross, not a support. Choose wisely.

Related: 30 Characteristics of Happy Couples

We all have relationship questions before marrying the love of our lives. Did you find the right questions to ask before marriage? Share your thoughts.


Written by: Tonya Lester
Originally appeared on: TONYA LESTER, LCSW
Republished with permission
Want more? Check out Tonya's Instagram: @tonyalesterpsychotherapy
questions to ask before marriage pin

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply



Up Next

What is a Trophy Husband In Today’s Relationship Dynamics?

Signs of a Trophy Husband: Exploring Modern Masculinity

Most of us are aware of the term โ€œtrophy wifeโ€. But have you heard about a โ€œtrophy husbandโ€? It is a somewhat new term that is a gender-swapped version of the more popular concept of โ€œtrophy wifeโ€. 

In today’s evolving society, where gender roles are constantly being redefined, there’s a rising trend of trophy husbands. These men are not only eye-catching companions but also possess qualities that make them desirable partners. 

Today, let us explore this fascinating concept and understand what is a trophy husband,  the signs to look for, why being a trophy husband is exhausting, and the potential issues that can arise in relationships with them.

What is a Trophy Husband?



Up Next

Feeling Like Roommates In A Marriage? 7 Signs Of Roommate Syndrome And What You Can Do To Change That

Feeling Like Roommates In A Marriage? Signs Spark Is Gone

Are you feeling like roommates in a marriage? You know, that sinking feeling when you realize the spark has fizzled, and your relationship has become more about paying bills and coordinating schedules than love and connection.

The thing is, roommate syndrome is more common than you think, and many couples face this, after being together for a long time. When you are in the roommate phase of a relationship, you might ask yourself why and when the romance disappeared or if you’re both just pretending to be happy.

But that might not be the case. In this article, we are going to look at what is roommate syndrome, the signs of roommate syndrome, and how to deal with roommate syndrome, so that you stop feeling like roommates in a marriage.

So, let’s get started, shall we?



Up Next

8 Ways To Upgrade Your Relationship

Ways To Upgrade Your Relationship

Do you feel like your relationship has lost that spark from before? If you answered yes, then you should know that many couples go through this, which is why it’s important to know how to improve your relationship. This article is going to talk about how to strengthen your relationship and upgrade your relationship.

It seems like it should be natural to treat our partners with love, consideration, and respect. Yet, for many people in long-term relationships, the warmth and kindness that were present in the early days of dating can fade over time.

Most people treat their partners with the utmost respect and kindness in the courting stage. The relationship probably wouldnโ€™t have progressed if they hadnโ€™t. Why do so many people present the best version of themselves early on, and over time, treat their beloved partners with disrespect, di



Up Next

5 Ways To Rekindle The Spark In Your Relationship

Ways To Rekindle The Spark In Your Relationship

If you feel that the spark in your relationship is gone, then let me tell you something – you can rekindle the spark in your relationship again! Now the question is, how to reignite the spark in your relationship? How can you make your relationship feel like the olden days again? Let’s find out!

Remember the feelings you experienced when you first started dating your spouse or partner? Perhaps you felt excitement, attraction, and anticipation? As the relationship has progressed, has it been difficult to maintain those initial feelings?

Once lifeโ€™s responsibilities, careers, kids, and the passing of time are added to the mix, that initial spark can easily diminish if we donโ€™t keep it stoked.

Fortunately



Up Next

Is Your Relationship Fading Away? 9 Things You Can Do To Save It

Relationship Fading Away? Empowering Steps To Save It

Do you sense your relationship fading away, and the once vibrant connection you shared with each other is slowly dying? Being in a situation like this is heart-breaking to say the least. When it seems like you’re in a fading relationship, it’s common to feel confused and not know what to do next. But don’t worry, there’s still hope.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve hit a rough patch or you’ve just grown apart a bit โ€“ there are some really useful steps you can take to reignite that spark, and revive a fading relationship.

Let’s look at some of the ways that can help you breathe some new life into your relationshi



Up Next

4 Shocking Reasons Why You’re Losing Attraction To Your Husband And How To Reignite The Flame

Major Reasons Why You're Losing Attraction To Your Husband

Are you questioning the intensity of your attraction towards your husband? Perhaps you’ve noticed a gradual shift in your emotional and physical connection, leaving you feeling confused and concerned. What happens when you start losing attraction to your husband?

First of all, you are not alone. Today, let us talk about the delicate topic of losing attraction to one’s husband, exploring the various dimensions of this experience with empathy and understanding.

Whether you’re seeking solace or guidance, we aim to help you gain a better understanding of the situation by shedding light on the reasons behind losing attraction, its impact on relationships, and potential pathways towards rediscovering the spark.

The



Up Next

5 Stages Of A Dying Marriage: Is It Beyond Repair?

Painful Stages Of A Dying Marriage: Is It Beyond Repair?

Sometimes, just being married doesn’t guarantee happiness. And if the marital bond is withering away, there might not be much hope left. Here are 5 stages of a dying marriage and whether or not it can be revived.

Thereโ€™s a point in every coupleโ€™s life where their once vibrant connection fades into obscurity. Itโ€™s a simple fact that not all marriages will stand strong. The journey from โ€œI doโ€ to โ€œwhat happenedโ€ is filled with hard-to-swallow truths and plenty of emotions.

Understanding these stages of a dying marriage will let you recognize the tell-tale signs early on so you can work on issues when itโ€™s easiest (and possible), allowing space to save everything youโ€™ve built together.