The Relationship Secret of the Happiest Couples: It’s Not What You Think

relationship secret of the happiest couples

Why do some relationships look so promising, yet dissolve over time? And why do others, whose partners seem hopelessly mismatched, grow stronger? Much research has tried to identify the individual characteristics that make for a successful relationship, including how couples deal with conflict or communicate. All shed some light on what may underlie relationship success.

But a new study of over 11,000 couples reveals a key ingredient that’s easily overlooked or ignored — and it’s the major predictor of relationship happiness, romantic intimacy, and connection.

It’s not how well two prospective partners matched up on a dating site. It’s not about personality features, personal history, or interests. These do play a role in predicting long-term relationship success, but the study found they play a much smaller role than one might think.

Related: 30 Characteristics of Happy Couples

What’s The “Secret?”

Simply put, the research found that the strongest predictor is the kind of relationship the partners create together, over time. That is, the quality of the relationship they experience transcends individual traits or characteristics in predicting the couple’s happiness over time.

The study, from Canada’s Western University, was based on a different kind of analysis of information from 43 studies of the 11,000 couples. As lead author Samantha Joel stated, “It suggests that the person we choose is not nearly as important as the relationship we build.” It’s the overall way the partners relate to each other. The research shows, she adds, that “the dynamic that you build with someone — the shared norms, the in-jokes, the shared experiences — is so much more than the separate individuals who make up that relationship.”

The study looked at individual characteristics that you might assume to be the most important predictors of a happy relationship, like the individual partner’s feelings about their life situation, their tendency toward anxiety or depression, their attachment pattern, or whether their parents had a stable marriage or divorce. Those factors can have a negative impact on the relationship, of course.

But the research found that they were much less significant for happiness than the actual pattern of the ongoing relationship — that is, how they interact, and how each feels about the interaction. The pleasure and enjoyment of just being together.

That core feature includes, for example:

1. A mutual sense of strong commitment to each other; and responsiveness to each other’s needs: “I know he/she has my back.”

2. A mutual level of enjoyment with their sex life.

3. A sense that their partner was happy with their relationship, and an infrequent, low level of conflict with each other.

All of those findings from the empirical study match what we see clinically, as well, among couples that develop long-term, sustained pleasure in their relationships. The study was published in PNAS, the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Related: 6 Essential Qualities of the Happiest Relationships

How Couples Build It

What the research can’t show, of course, is how such couples “grow” that kind of bond of connection, trust, and pleasure. Here, both empirical and clinical research point to some of what they do to create a positive dynamic.

Overall, the most encompassing is their commitment to ongoing openness and exposure to each other – mutually revealing their hopes, fears, desires, and sense of where they want to go — as two separate individuals joined together in this journey through life. I described here how couples do that through a practice of “Radical Transparency.”

There is some corroborating evidence from empirical research. For example:

1. A willingness to forgo personal interests and knowing when to put your partner’s needs ahead of your own. Letting go of self-interest in this way is directly linked to a long-lasting, happy relationship. Staying entrenched in your own ego won’t do it, as I wrote about here, and is reflected in research by John Gottman and others.

2. Feeling appreciated and valued by your partner. That tends to strengthen your marriage or committed relationship, and it increases your belief about how enduring your relationship will be over time. This was found in a University of Georgia study that I wrote about here.

3. A different study I cited in this post, conducted at Wake Forest University, found that your relationship is strengthened when your stressed-out partner feels really understood and listened to. It occurs not just through words of support, but through multiple forms of conveying empathy — eye contact, listening, and generally conveying understanding and caring, nonverbally. The key is tuning in to what your partner perceives as helpful. Inquire about that if you’re not sure — and don’t assume that you know.

Related: 9 Secrets To Build An Emotionally Committed Relationship

Of course, knowing the key to couples’ happiness and enjoyment with each other over the long term is one thing, That’s the science part. Really practicing it? That’s the art of the relationship.


Written By Douglas LaBier
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
relationship secret of the happiest couples pin

Ads

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *



Up Next

4 Shocking Reasons Why You’re Losing Attraction To Your Husband And How To Reignite The Flame

Major Reasons Why You're Losing Attraction To Your Husband

Are you questioning the intensity of your attraction towards your husband? Perhaps you’ve noticed a gradual shift in your emotional and physical connection, leaving you feeling confused and concerned. What happens when you start losing attraction to your husband?

First of all, you are not alone. Today, let us talk about the delicate topic of losing attraction to one’s husband, exploring the various dimensions of this experience with empathy and understanding.

Whether you’re seeking solace or guidance, we aim to help you gain a better understanding of the situation by shedding light on the reasons behind losing attraction, its impact on relationships, and potential pathways towards rediscovering the spark.

The



Up Next

5 Stages Of A Dying Marriage: Is It Beyond Repair?

Painful Stages Of A Dying Marriage: Is It Beyond Repair?

Sometimes, just being married doesn’t guarantee happiness. And if the marital bond is withering away, there might not be much hope left. Here are 5 stages of a dying marriage and whether or not it can be revived.

There’s a point in every couple’s life where their once vibrant connection fades into obscurity. It’s a simple fact that not all marriages will stand strong. The journey from “I do” to “what happened” is filled with hard-to-swallow truths and plenty of emotions.

Understanding these stages of a dying marriage will let you recognize the tell-tale signs early on so you can work on issues when it’s easiest (and possible), allowing space to save everything you’ve built together.



Up Next

10 Unexpected Signs Of Cheating: How To Tell If Your Spouse Is Having An Affair

Unexpected Signs Of Cheating: Beyond the Obvious

If you are googling “surprising and unexpected signs of cheating” at 2 in the morning, then you’ve come to the right place. Well, we all have been there. Suspicion and doubt can sneak up like an uninvited guest when it comes to your spouse; something tells you that something is wrong, but you just can’t put your finger on it.

When it comes to infidelity, it’s not always about the lipstick on the collar or mysterious phone calls at night. There can be many subtle signs of cheating that you might overlook and miss out on.

So go grab some coffee (or something stronger) and explore all the hidden signs you spouse



Up Next

Bad Husband But Good Father? 8 Tips On How To Be A Better Dad And Husband 

Practical Tips on How to Be a Better Dad and Husband

Being married to a man who is a bad husband but a good father is a complex and challenging experience. It’s a situation where the joys and struggles of parenting coexist with the frustrations and disappointments of a strained marital relationship. So how to be a better dad and husband?

Today, we will try to gain a better understanding of the psyche of a bad husband but a good father and shed light on how you can encourage them to be both a better husband and father. Let’s dive in.

Who Exactly is a Bad Husband and Good Father?

A bad husband can be someone who falls short in their role as a partner. T



Up Next

3 Reasons Why Alcohol Affects Your Relationship And What To Do About It

Alcohol Affects Your Relationship? Critical Reasons Why

Is alcohol impacting your relationship? If your answer is yes, then you’ve come to the right place. This article is going to explore how alcohol affects your relationship, the reasons behind it, and how to cut back on alcohol.

During an interview on the popular podcast The Tim Ferriss Show, famous entrepreneur and businessman Sir Richard Branson once suggested a simple yet important thought experiment to listeners.

We’ll paraphrase that thought experiment here:

Think back to the few biggest mistakes or arguments of your marriage. Now think how many of them occurred when one or both of you were und



Up Next

4 Signs Of Relationship OCD And How To Make Sense Of It

Signs Of Relationship OCD And How To Make Sense Of It

What is relationship OCD and what are the best ways of dealing with relationship OCD? This article is going to talk about all that and more.

Relationship OCD refers to someone who has become consumed with obsessive doubts about their partner and their past.

Experiencing changes in the emotions we feel towards a romantic partner is a natural part of developing an intimate relationship. At the same time, we all might pay more attention to our partner’s flaws as the relationship progresses.

But for people in the grip of relationship OCD,



Up Next

Why Cameron Diaz Supports Separate Bedrooms For Couples: Is It Key To A Happier Marriage?

Separate Bedrooms For Couples: Strong Reasons Why

In a world where we are always sharing everything, Cameron Diaz has a fresh take on love: separate bedrooms for couples. Yes, you heard that right!

The actor has recently been in a conversation about how couples who sleep in separate beds are happier — and it’s got us questioning everything too.

Why Do We Need Separate Bedrooms For Couples?

You’re lying in bed, ready to drift off to sleep when you hear it… A chainsaw-like noise ringing through your ears. It’s your partner’s snoring — and it’s not the cute gentl