Sometimes the temptation to cheat can feel overwhelming, but going forward with it is not always a good idea, is it? If you have been feeling this urge for quite some time, then maybe you need to develop certain skills that can stop you from doing this.
Key Points: Managing temptation is humanity's struggle—most everyone you interact with today is challenged by some temptation. Sexual temptation is a struggle for a lot of people, at least periodically. Specific strategies can help you manage temptation and make good decisions for yourself and your primary relationship.
I know your pain because I’ve heard about it so many times in my sex therapy office. You love your partner. You never in a million years thought you’d be tempted to cheat. Monogamy just seemed natural and right, something you happily chose for yourself.
And now, you can’t stop thinking about… your colleague/your wife’s best friend/your neighbor/your ex. You feel guilty, but at the same time, titillated. Worried, but oh so excited. What if you two are soul mates? You’ve held off making a move, but the flirting seems to be increasing in spite of your best intentions. You fantasize about them when you masturbate, and sometimes even during sex with your partner.
You call me, distraught. Scared. Confused. You ask my help in solving what feels like an impossible situation.
Managing temptation is humanity’s struggle—whether we are tempted by chocolate, yet another cat, one more pair of shoes, or people. Ancient religious doctrine addresses the challenge of temptation, as do programs like Alcoholics Anonymous and Weight Watchers. Expecting to sail through life relatively unchallenged by temptation is simply unrealistic.
So first off, know you are in good company. Most everyone you interact with today is challenged by some temptation. How well they manage it depends on many variables, including how emotionally and physically tired they are, their mood state, their level of connection and social support, and their genetics, among many other variables.
But let’s talk about you, and sex, and how you can best proceed to increase the odds of your making good choices for yourself and your primary relationship.
Keep in mind that the construct of the monogamous long-term partnership is a terrific concept but it’s not a biological mandate. That means it’s not necessarily inherent to human nature, nor is it supported by our evolutionary biology. As a result, many if not most people find themselves challenged to some degree by the monogamy ideal.
That’s not an excuse for bad behavior, and it doesn’t mean that you are destined to be unfaithful. It just means that this could be considered a challenge you must tackle periodically in your lifetime.
Some Strategies That Can Help You Avoid The Temptation Of Infidelity:
1. Put Yourself In Your Partner’s Situation.
How would you feel if you discovered your partner had been unfaithful? It’s a complex situation that could make you feel both less confident in your relationship and less confident in life.
You may be less trusting of others, feel shame for being betrayed, etc. Feeling these nuances can help you empathize with your partner and make temptation less enticing for you.
2. Play Out How Your Partner Would React If You Cheated And They Found Out.
Literally, imagine that conversation—word for word. What would your partner say and do, and how would you respond? What would you be thinking in those moments?
3. Ruin The Fantasy.
Infidelity is much more enticing if you allow yourself to focus on the fantasy of the connection rather than the harsh reality that will likely soon follow. That reality includes the guilt you will carry; the inevitable pain for all involved when someone either ends the affair and/or your partner finds out; and the fallout with family and people close to you who wouldn’t support or understand your choices.
Reminding yourself about the almost inevitable pain ahead may be enough to realistically refocus yourself.