Gaslighting in Relationships: 7 Questions To Tell If You’re Being Manipulated

 / 

,
Gaslighting in Relationships Being Manipulated

Gaslighting in relationships has become notorious as a form of emotional abuse, and something that narcissists do to feed their partner’s self-doubt on purpose. Gaslighting is a way for narcissists to impose/maintain total control over their relationships, and their partners.

The term “Gaslight” comes from the Academy Award-winning 1944 film by the same name in which a man systematically sets out to drive his wife crazy by making her doubt the reality of her own perceptions.

Today that term has been expanded to describe a wider range of behaviors, in which one member of a couple tries to manipulate the other person to accept things as true that are patently false.

Generally, modern-day gaslighting takes place in the context of a relationship in which one partner is manipulative, self-centered, low on empathy, and has a vested interest in always being right. This is an apt description of many people who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

If you are in a relationship with someone with this disorder, there is a good chance you have experienced gaslighting yourself. If you have ever wondered why your level of self-doubt and confusion rises when you are with such a partner.

Here are seven questions to ask yourself that can help you determine if your mate is feeding your self-doubt on purpose.

7 signs that your partner is gaslighting you

1. Do they try to persuade you to doubt the evidence of your senses and what you are thinking and feeling?

2. Do they try to convince you that what you believe is wrong, and what they believe is right?

3. Do they react badly if you do not accept their version of the truth?

4. Are they extremely persistent and sometimes keep the argument going long after you have asked them to please drop the issue?

5. Do they attempt to bully you into admitting that they are 100 percent right, and you are completely wrong?

6. Are the facts always twisted so that they are the victim, and you are always at fault?

7. Do they twist and turn the truth and make such long and complicated arguments to prove their points that, after a while, you become thoroughly confused?

If you find yourself answering “yes” to many of the above questions, you may be being gaslighted.

Related: Gaslighting in Relationships: 10 Signs You Are Being Gaslighted

Why are you being gaslighted?

The three most common reasons are:

Hiding  –  Your mate wants to hide something that he or she is doing from you.
Change –  Your mate wants to change something about you.
Control –  Your mate wants more power over you.

Want to know more about gaslighting in relationships? Check this video out below:

gaslighting in relationships

1. Hiding

They will attempt to convince you to doubt any evidence that shows them in a bad light, makes them feel ashamed, or might create negative consequences for them.

This can be something mild, but embarrassing (such as evidence that they have been looking at internet porn), or something more important (such as gambling debts or an affair).

A common scenario involves you finding something that puzzles you. It could be texts from a strange person on your spouse’s phone, unusual charges on your joint credit card account, or even a change in the way that he or she dresses.

At first, you think there must be a simple explanation, so you mention this to your spouse. Your spouse vehemently denies anything strange is going on. The response is so disproportionate to your question that it makes you more suspicious.

You start to pay attention to things that you previously ignored. As the evidence that your spouse is lying starts piling up, you become more and more worried.

One day, you confront him or her with the evidence. Your spouse denies the whole thing and tries to convince you that you are paranoid and imagining this because you are an insecure or jealous person.

Was it sex or CPR?

A man comes home early and finds his wife half-naked by the pool with their handsome young gardener on top of her. She says: “It’s not what you think!

I got dizzy and started to pass out. He saved my life by giving me CPR.” She sticks to her story so convincingly that her husband starts to believe her version of the truth and not his own eyes. He ends up thanking the gardener and tipping him generously for saving his wife’s life.

Related: 121 Things Narcissists Say When They’re Gaslighting You

2. Change

They want to change you so that you are closer to their ideal. This can involve anything from dressing to suit their fantasies or reading different books to getting plastic surgery.

If you resist, they try to convince you that you are not good enough as you are.

Example:  “Your breasts are too small.”

Connie had a slim, petite figure. She enjoyed the freedom of going without a bra. She had always gotten lots of positive attention from men and was very confident about her looks — at least until she met Bill.

Bill, a wealthy, narcissistic businessman, was attracted to Connie and enjoyed that other men found her attractive as well. But once he was engaged to her, and other men were out of the picture, he started to work on what he viewed as Connie’s imperfections.

Bill liked big breasts and had always imagined his future wife would have ample cleavage. When he mentioned to Connie that he would pay for her to get breast implants, he expected her to gratefully accept his offer.

He was shocked that she declined. As a narcissist, he could not imagine that Connie might disagree with his idea of perfection. His shock escalated to anger and offense. He started to work on Connie to get her to change her mind. He began nicely: “You are a beautiful woman. You and I both know that. But you could be even more beautiful with bigger breasts.”

When she still refused, he escalated and guilt-tripped her: “You say you love me. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t hesitate to do this small thing for me.”

This went on for months. Connie began to doubt herself and started asking other people whether they felt her breasts were too small. In the end, she began to wonder if she was being selfish by not going along with Bill’s offer to pay for implants. And eventually, she gave in, because Bill was so confident in his opinion that she thought he must be right.

Related: 15 Signs You Are A Victim Of Gaslighting

3. Control

Some narcissistic partners want to be the only one with power and influence over you. They will try to isolate you from other people whose opinions you respect, especially those who might disagree with their priorities.

If you allow it, they gradually start exerting control over large portions of your life, until you are afraid to make decisions without their permission. They enjoy the sense of power and control that they get from this.

Example: “Am I too attached to my family?”

Sara’s husband Charles was very possessive and wanted all of her attention focused on him. Charles was alienated from his own family and resented the time that Sara spent with hers. He also resented that they still had influence over her. He set out to convince Sara that there was something pathologically wrong with her attachment to them.

Charles:  “You are co-dependent and needy. Stop being a child! You are way too close to your family. It isn’t natural for a woman your age. What is wrong with you?”

Sara started out confident that she was right, and that her love for her family was normal. In the beginning, when Charles would bring the issue up, Sara would defend herself and her family. One night, just as they were going to sleep, Charles would not let go of the topic. She begged him to let her go to sleep and discuss the issue in the morning, but he refused.

“We are settling this tonight,” he said. “We are not going to sleep until you hear what I have to say. I am tired of you ignoring me!”

Charles kept Sara up all night arguing and trying to get her to see that he was right and she was wrong. By morning, Sara was too exhausted to argue anymore, so she finally admitted he was right just to get some peace and rest.

After that, he increased his control over Sara and succeeded in isolating her from her family. Over time, an exhausted and isolated Sara began to question her own judgment and relied more and more on her partner’s version of the truth.

Related: 8 Lies You Start Believing When An Abusive Partner Is Gaslighting You

Conclusion

Living with someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a bit like living in an alternate reality where you are expected to accept whatever that individual says as true, even when it is obviously wrong.

If you object, you are made to feel as if you are at fault. Like the Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland who tells a skeptical Alice, “Why sometimes I have believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast,” such partners insist that you accept all their opinions as absolute truth.

gaslighting in relationships
gaslighting in relationships

Even if you are clear at the beginning about the difference between reality and what you are being asked to accept, after a while, most people begin to get too tired or afraid of their partner’s anger to keep correcting them.

It is a small step from there to actually beginning to doubt your own perceptions.

Note: This article contains material adapted from two of my Quora.com posts: “What are the questions to ask yourself to know if you are being gaslighted?” (8/12/17) and “Are narcissists aware of the emotional confusion (fog) they cause on their spouse or are they simply unaware they are doing it?” (8/17/17).


Written by Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D.
This article originally appeared on Psychology Today and has been reprinted here with the author’s permission

Frequently asked questions:

How can I stop reacting to my husband’s gaslighting? 

Start with realizing that your husband is gaslighting you and identify if there is a power struggle in your relationship. Intentionally bring about a mental shift, be assertive about your truth and willingly leave the conversation. Seek support from loved ones, practice self-love and talk to a therapist, if needed.

How do I get help for gaslighting if no one will believe me? 

Once you ensure that what you are experiencing is gaslighting, document your interactions with your abuser and collect evidence of what’s actually happening. Remain confident in your beliefs, get support from trusted loved ones and talk to a therapist. Even if no one else believes you, a professional therapist will help you get through gaslighting.

Is constantly reminding someone of their mistakes considered gaslighting?

Constant criticism is a form of emotional abuse and can be considered as gaslighting. The gaslighter criticizes you frequently to brainwash you and make you doubt yourself and your sanity to lower your self-esteem. This makes them gain power in the relationship and dominate you.

How to crush gaslighting against you? 

Do not engage with the gaslighter and minimize contact with them. Do not pay heed to their lies and choose to walk away with your sanity intact. Prevent yourself from retaliating or reacting to them as they will use it against you. Keep your responses ambiguous, present them with counter evidence and if all else fails, walk away from the relationship.

How to fight the gaslighting of a narcissist? 

The smartest way to fight a gaslighter is not to fight them. Simply disengage and avoid confrontation. Narcissists desperately seek attention and when you refuse to pay attention to them, you win. Have faith in yourself, decide if the relationship is worth keeping and walk away.

gaslighting in relationships
gaslighting in relationships
Gaslighting in Relationships Being Manipulated Pin
gaslighting in relationships

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply



Up Next

Brain Fog After Narcissistic Abuse? 8 Ways Narcissists Can Muddle Your Brain

Brain Fog After Narcissistic Abuse? Reasons Why It Happens

Have you ever heard of the term “brain fog”? Brain fog is like a maddening haze that seems to muddle your thoughts, makes you forget what you were saying, and has you searching for your clothes in the trash bin? Well, today we are going to talk about a specific sort of brain fog – brain fog after narcissistic abuse.

Imagine that you have just escaped from a toxic and abusive relationship with a narcissist. You are slowly picking up the pieces and trying to get your life back in order, but somehow you feel like your head is not in the right place. Everything still feels very odd and you still feel very lost.

Even though you are free from the clutches of your narcissistic ex, this bizarre mental fog just won’t lift. Let’s explore how narcissists cause brain fog, and the link between brain fog and narcissistic abuse.



Up Next

Toxic Bosses Unmasked: 20 Warning Signs to Watch For

Toxic Bosses Unmasked: Warning Signs to Watch For

Having a toxic boss can really take a toll on you mentally, and toxic bosses are seriously so horrible. This article is going to help you understand the traits of a toxic boss so that you know which behaviors are not normal and ethical. Read on to know more about the signs of a toxic boss or toxic bosses.

We hear about toxic bosses all the time, but how do you know when a boss is “toxic”? “Toxic” is, of course, a vague descriptor. Are bosses toxic when they throw fits and scream, or only when they break the law?

Or are they toxic when they are immoral or unethical? Are they toxic if they’re nice one day and nasty the next, or just when they make you uncomfortable, nervous, or sick? These are valid questions because these individuals are easy to identify when their behaviors are outrageous; but perhaps less so when their behavior



Up Next

How To Know If Your Mother Hates You: 8 Not-So-Subtle Signs

How To Know If Your Mother Hates You: Not-So-Subtle Signs

Have you ever found yourself wondering if your mother harbors some deep-seated resentment, or even hatred towards you? If you have, then I know that it’s a really tough pill to swallow. How can your mother hate you, and most importantly, how to know if your mother hates you?

Today, we’re diving straight into the realm of family dynamics, exploring the question “why does my mother hate me?”. We will try to understand the signs that give away her true feelings for you, and which may indicate if your mother’s love has taken a dark turn.

Let’s uncover 8 revealing clues that might just help you make sense of the complicated bond you share with your mom. Explore how to know if your mother hates you.



Up Next

How to Recognize and Counter Emotional Blackmail: 8 Techniques and 7 Signs

What Is Emotional Blackmail? Telltale Signs Revealed

Picture this: You’re sitting across from a friend, engrossed in conversation, when suddenly you feel the atmosphere change. Their tone becomes harsh, their eyes seem accusatory, and it feels like you’re trapped in an emotional minefield. Now, that’s what is emotional blackmail.

We’ve all experienced it at some point in our lives, whether it’s a toxic relationship, a manipulative friend, or even within our own families. But what is emotional blackmail exactly, and how to deal with emotional blackmail?

In this article, we are going to take a look into the world of emotional blackmail and try to understand each and every nuance. We will talk about the signs of emotional blackmail, the types of emotional blackmail and how to deal with emotional blackmail.

So, are you ready to do this?



Up Next

What Does Being Submissive Mean? 9 Warning Signs You Might Be A Meek, Submissive Woman

What Does Being Submissive Mean? Signs Of A Meek Woman

Ever wondered, “What does being submissive mean?” Well, let’s put it this way: it’s like constantly being in the backseat of your life’s car, letting others take the wheel while you navigate the road of existence.

For example, meet Jess. She’s that friend who’s always putting everyone else’s happiness and needs before her own, and she often finds herself getting involved in abusive and unhealthy relationships.

If you relate to Jess and the ways she lives life, then you might be in for a very rude reality check. Because this points to the realm of female submissiveness. Stick around as we uncover nine warning signs that scream, “Hey, you might be more like Jess than you think!”

Related:



Up Next

What Is Unintentional Gaslighting? The Surprising Ways You Might Be Gaslighting Without Knowing It

What Is Unintentional Gaslighting? How Good Intentions Can Go Awry

Ever found yourself questioning your own reality after interaction with someone you know? Unintentional gaslighting can sneak into conversations, leaving you feeling disoriented and invalidated, even when no harm is intended.

Accidental, unintended or unconscious gaslighting in relationships can make you doubt your own thoughts, feelings, or even sanity. Someone’s words or actions can make you feel uncertain, dazed & confused without even realizing it.

Gaslighting, a term derived from a movie titled “Gaslight,” refers to the act of manipulating someone into doubting their own experiences and perceptions. But what is unintentional gaslighting?

Let’s explore this lesser-known concept and shed light on



Up Next

10 Covert Signs Of A Psychopath: Don’t Be Fooled By Their “Nice” Behavior

Signs Of A Psychopath: Look Out For These Sneaky Signs!

Have you ever wondered what lurks beneath the surface of those seemingly nice, charming and friendly individuals? You know the type—the ones who effortlessly wear a smile, say all the right things but leave you feeling a bit unsettled and uneasy. Well, my friend, get ready because we’re about to discuss the signs of a psychopath.

Don’t worry, I’m not here to scare you, but let’s face it, we all love a good psychological puzzle, right? So, let’s uncover the sneaky signs of a psychopath, the signs that separate the “nice” from the truly dangerous.

Brace yourself, because what you’re about to discover might just blow your mind. Let’s explore more about people who are nice but psychopathic.

Related