8 Ways We Sabotage Love In Our Relationships

 / 

, , ,
ways we sabotage love in our relationships

Many of us sabotage love and happiness without even realizing it. Sabotaging love comes from the behavior that emerges from past heartbreak or trauma and this behavior mainly acts as a defense mechanism in a relationship. But how do we self-sabotage love in our relationship?

Most relationships fail and nearly half of American adults are unmarried. Why can’t we find love and why don’t relationships last? Paradoxically, as much as we want love, we also fear it. Fear of not being loved is the greatest reason we don’t find it and sabotage love in our relationships.

In other words, we can create our worst fear by trying to avoid it. To people who pursue love but attract distancers, this may sound ridiculous. We’d all like to blame our partner or bad luck, but that’s only half the story.

There are hidden reasons we thwart love. Our fears aren’t usually conscious. They include fear of physical or emotional abandonment (not being loved) that includes fear of rejection and fear of remaining unloved and alone.

Toxic shame is the main culprit that feeds these fears that sabotage love. It takes many forms.

Related: What Is Toxic Shame and How it Differs From Ordinary Shame

8 Ways We Sabotage Love

Ways We Sabotage Love In Our Relationships

1. Shame Thwarts Love

Shame fosters the belief that we’re unlovable and unworthy of connection. Our beliefs motivate our feelings and behavior. They’re like the operating system in our mind-ware. Unfortunately, many negative beliefs run in the background and, like viruses, derail our conscious intentions.

Shame-based ideas that we’re undeserving of good, happiness, and love can sabotage our desires and block or push love away.

Bottom line: We won’t believe we’re acceptable to others if we don’t accept ourselves. However, we can change our beliefs.

2. Low Self-Esteem And Judgment

Shame creates an inner critic who judges us harshly. Our critic also judges others. It can convince us that we’re being judged. This anxiety further proves that we’re unworthy of love.

In fact, we’re so anxious about not being loved that we make false assumptions, filter out positive feedback, and misinterpret things to reinforce our negative self-judgments and fears of rejection. Not surprisingly, research shows that the level of our self-esteem is predictive of the longevity of our relationships.

Related: 2 Hidden Ways We Sabotage Intimacy In Relationships

3. Guilt

Shame also creates guilt. Guilt is anger turned against ourselves. It makes us feel unentitled to success, to happiness, and to love. In relationships, guilt blocks intimacy. We avoid closeness and certain topics to hide what we’re afraid or ashamed to reveal for fear of rejection and abandonment. This is especially true when we’ve been dishonest in the relationship.

Until we’ve forgiven ourselves fully, we won’t feel worthy of love. We can’t move forward and may even attract negative experiences and unsuitable partners. Self-forgiveness is entirely possible and is encouraged by all world religions.

4. Perfectionism

When we feel flawed and not enough, we might cope by trying to be perfect and beyond reproach. Perfectionism is a compulsive attempt to attain unreasonable standards and expectations. This is, of course, impossible, and leads to anxiety, fear of failing, irritability, and unhappiness. Perfectionism obscures our innate worth and makes us focus on the negative.

By looking for what’s wrong, we’re unable to enjoy the pride and to appreciate our attributes and accomplishments. Because we’re always failing to achieve the unattainable, perfectionism gives ammunition to our critics and separates us from the love of self and others.

It also impairs our ability to take risks and be vulnerable and authentic, all of which are necessary for giving and receiving love. Instead, we feel more inadequate and self-critical. Perfectionists are hard to live with, especially when they’re critical of others and expect them to be perfect, too. They can sabotage love and relationships.

5. Inauthenticity

Shame makes us embarrassed and afraid to reveal what we really think and feel. We’re more concerned about not being judged or rejected. However, authenticity is actually more attractive and makes effective communication possible. It builds trust and allows for real intimacy.

Dysfunctional communication that’s dishonest, indirect, passive, or aggressive prevents closeness and damages relationships.

6. Comparisons

Shame and feelings of inadequacy lead to comparisons. Rather than recognizing our own worth, we evaluate whether we’re doing better or worse than someone else. Feeling superior is a defense to shame, and envy stems from not feeling that we’re enough.

When we negatively compare our partner and relationship, we end up dissatisfied. However, when we accept ourselves, we have humility. We don’t think we’re better or worse. We accept others and realize we’re all unique and flawed individuals.

Related: Top 3 Ways Men and Women Stop Themselves From Finding The Love They Deserve

7. Distrust Blocks Love

Many people, especially codependents, have a dysfunctional relationship to trust. They’re too trusting, which can lead to disappointment and betrayal; or, they build walls of mistrust to keep love out.

People often say that they trust someone until they’re given a reason not to, while others who have been hurt expect to be hurt again.

They fear rejection and abandonment and expect the worse. They’re suspicious and imagine untrue things about their partner that are hard to disprove. We trust too quickly because we’re impatient for love and fear being unloved and alone. A wiser position is to be neutral, allow a relationship to unfold naturally, and trust to build based on experience.

8. Lack of Integrity

When we sacrifice our values to accommodate our partner, it’s to maintain the relationship due to fear of abandonment. No matter how we justify it to ourselves when our behavior is not aligned with our standards, we feel guilt or shame that whittle away at our self-esteem and self-worth. By abandoning ourselves, we jeopardize the very relationship that we’re trying to spare.

You can Beat Perfectionism, find Freedom from Guilt, and Raise Your Self-Esteem. Follow the steps to heal from shame in Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You.

© 2019 Darlene Lancer


Written By: Darlene Lancer
Originally Appeared On What Is Codependency
The Startling Reason We Sabotage Love
Ways we sabotage love
ways we sabotage love in our relationships pinex
ways we sabotage love in our relationships pin

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply



Up Next

Does Having High Standards Undermine Your Love Life? 4 Ways It Can Go Wrong

Having High Standards In Relationships Ruins Love In Ways

Does having high standards in relationships make it harder for you to fall in love? It’s common — setting impossible standards can keep us away from opportunities. Let’s learn how and what to do about it!

People have the tendency to use the “not my type” excuse to build that distance.

Why worry about types when you haven’t even said hello yet? Because these are myths about relationships and defense mechanisms, just like an invisible wall between you and the potential connection.



Up Next

Trust And Commitment: Why Every Happy Relationship Needs It

Trust And Commitment In A Relationship: Important Things

A thriving relationship is built on trust and commitment. Let’s delve into the elements that are vital for happiness and security in your love life.

Believe me when I say, a happy relationship is IMPOSSIBLE without trust and commitment. Don’t believe me? Keep reading.

Love is like Legos. In each passing moment, we are either building a wall between ourselves and our lover or a bridge into each other’s hearts.

Each Lego is an interaction between romantic partners. The deciding factor of whether we open or protect our hearts is the quality of trust.

“Without trust, there can be no meaningful connection.” – Brene Brown



Up Next

The Key To Building A Thriving Relationship: Insights From Dr. Stan Tatkin

Maintaining A Thriving Relationship: Important Steps

Ever wondered what it takes to maintain a thriving relationship? Dr. Stan Tatkin has shared some really eye-opening tips that could change the way you think about love and bonding!

In a recent interview, Dr. Stan Tatkin, a renowned marriage and family therapist, researcher, and author of the best selling book In Each Other’s Care, shared invaluable insights on how to create and maintain a thriving relationship.

Dr. Tatkin’s expertise in couples therapy and his psychobiological a



Up Next

Intentional Relationship Conflict: Exploring The Flames – Wildfire Or Bonfire?

Intentional Relationship Conflict: Exploring Best Steps

Explore the complexities of relationship conflict, this dive goes deep into the flames, wondering whether they ignite a wildfire of destruction or a nurturing bonfire for growth.

How is intentional relationship conflict different from conflict in general?

Conflict in intimate relationships is like fire. For some of us it becomes a wildfire, burning out of control, emotionally burning each partner.

For others, it turns into a controlled bonfire that brings us closer together as we talk, laugh, and learn more about one another. Clear boundaries, emotional safety, and containment transform the danger of a fire into a tool for comfort, closeness, and emotional intimacy.



Up Next

8 Essential Steps When Dealing With An Angry Partner

How To Deal With An Angry Partner? Important Steps

Wondering how to deal with an angry partner? It can be challenging and emotionally taxing, sparked by disagreements and stress. So, in this guide, we’ll explore constructive ways to help you navigate and defuse tense situations in your relationship.

Being with them is like having to walk on eggshells. One wrong step and BOOM! You’ll be dealing with a mess of emotions that you really don’t want to clean up.

It could be sudden outbursts or just that nasty air they always carry, but it definitely strains the relationship and sucks for everyone involved.

But there is hope. Understanding how to deal with a spouse with anger issues and empathizing goes a long way in trying to resolve these issues.

We have to realize that there’s som



Up Next

How To Stop Missing Someone: 8 Practical Steps For Moving Forward And Finding Peace

How to Stop Missing Someone: Steps to Finding Resolution

Is your heart yearning for someone? Are you missing them deeply? When you miss someone you love, it can feel like a piece of your heart is missing, leaving a void that feels impossible to fill. So how to stop missing someone and get over this pain?

Whether it’s a friend who moved away, a loved one who passed away, or a romantic partner who is no longer in your life, missing someone can be an incredibly challenging and painful experience. 

But it is possible to get over that pain and shine with love in your heart. Today, we will explore the reasons why we miss someone and share practical strategies to help you navigate through the journey of healing and find solace in your cherished memories.

Why Do We Miss Someone?<



Up Next

Missing Home: How Do You Cure Homesickness And Find Comfort In Your New Environment?

How Do You Cure Homesickness? Tips to Rediscover Joy

Have you ever experienced that longing for home, that melancholic feeling that creeps in when you’re away from familiar surroundings? Homesickness is a common emotion that many of us have encountered at some point in our lives. But how do you cure homesickness?

Whether you’re a student studying abroad, a traveler exploring new horizons, or simply living away from home, homesickness can strike unexpectedly and leave you feeling vulnerable. 

Let us explore the concept of homesickness, understanding what does homesickness feel like, how long does homesickness last, and most importantly, how to deal with homesickness.

What is Homesickness?