Top 3 Ways Men and Women Stop Themselves From Finding The Love They Deserve

Ways Men and Women Stop Themselves Finding Love Deserve

Building an intimate bond with someone special can be one of the greatest joys in life. But despite how amazing romantic relationships are, men and women sometimes tend to do certain things that stop them from finding the love they deserve. They often tend to self-sabotage with their vulnerabilities and deepest insecurities.

Love is challenging enough to find without self-defeating behaviors. As such, many people can’t find a successful relationship, and they become their own worst enemy. After discussing the issues with 500+ men and women, many were awakened to their own behaviors and how they were subconsciously destroying their chances for love.

Here are the top three ways men and women stop themselves from finding the love they deserve:

1. They put their ex on a pedestal.

After a breakup, some people look at their ex as perfect. They look past the challenges/issues that caused the break-up and remember only the good parts of the relationship. Even worse, they don’t see their own contributions to how the relationship failed. This rose-colored glasses viewpoint can have a detrimental effect on future relationships for a number of reasons:

“No one will ever be like [ex’s name here].” Some people compare future romantic interests to the good parts of her past (now defunct) relationship(s). As a result, they search for—and find—all the flaws/missing things in the new partner, and they talk themselves out of discovering someone new—and potentially a good match.

No self-reflection or transition past the relationship. By mentally staying in a past relationship, they will limit themselves for the future. They subconsciously stay stagnant in the hopes that the ex might return and meet them where they were… and then they will finally be together.

“Nothing like my first love.”
Even established relationships can be affected by an ex long-past. If they are still holding a candle for their first love—instead of investing in their present with their current partner—they can sabotage their relationship or marriage—creating unnecessary arguments, tension and disconnection, and keeping their spouse emotionally at arm’s length.

Bottom line: Take your ex down off the pedestal. If the relationship were so great—and they so perfect—you would still be with them.

Related: 7 Relationship Mindsets That Keep You From Finding Love

2. They try to make the relationship work… all by themselves.

Many people get stuck in thinking that the relationship needs them to “make it work”. In many cases, these people get treated well, but their partners aren’t actively investing; they are just doing the bare minimum to keep the relationship going. This causes them to wonder what they are doing wrong and why their partner won’t put in.

Most often, this situation is the result of having their self-esteem locked up in that relationship. They end up [falsely] thinking that if they do, even MORE, their partner will wake up and love them… and then they will finally be worthy and worth something to them. This is a self-esteem trap, and it leads to clinginess, insecurity, and, in extreme cases, love addiction.

Bottom line: A relationship takes TWO people to put in and invest.

If one is gun-shy—or not on the same page emotionally—there will be a disconnection, which can lead to this kind of cat-and-mouse game. To combat this, you need to have a firm grasp on your value, and your identity… as a person. If you don’t know how to be happy with YOU, you won’t know how to be happy in a relationship—nor will you recognize the inequity, if it happens.

Related: 7 Reasons You Think You’ll Never Find True Love and why it’s wrong

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Charles J. Orlando

Expert, author, screenwriter, and co-host of FYI's Seven Year Switch. Charles J. Orlando is a relationship expert and bestselling author of The Problem with Women... is Men? book series and The Pact: Goodbye, Past. Hello, Love!, and the upcoming graphic novella Don't Date A Dick, and he serves as expert host of the hit show Seven Year Switch on FYI (currently in its second season). Referred to as "The Malcolm Gladwell of Relationships" by the media, and "Carrie Bradshaw-meets-Hitch" by his readers, Charles has built a 1,400,000+ person fan base on Facebook completely by word-of-mouth where he offers free, street-smart love advice to men and women around the world.View Author posts