“I don’t care if I fall in love with the devil, as long as that devil will love me the way that she loves hell.”
You are a ghost now. A distant memory, that’s not so distant. If I wanted to, I could close my eyes and remember every excruciatingly beautiful detail about you. Every feature of your beautiful face, every freckle and scar, your voice and unmistakable laugh that melted my heart every time. Every curve of your body and the way your hair smelled as you laid your head on my chest as we drifted off to sleep. Until recently, I didn’t have to close my eyes to remember these things, they simply flooded my mind and heart nearly every waking second and engulfed my dreams.
It wasn’t that long ago that I held you and you held me. We made promises to each other, promises that I forever intended to keep and promises that you never intended on keeping. You were an answered prayer to the chaos I’ve faced in my life up until the day I met you and you haven’t left my thoughts since.
It felt like and still feels like a dream. A dream come true that quickly turned into my worst nightmare with cameos from all of my worst fears. Full of every insecurity I held, every insecurity I poured out to you because you made me believe you would hold them dear to your heart, cherish my openness and never allow them to surface and wreak havoc on either of us. The most trust I’ve ever given another human being in my entire life…mother, father, brother, sister, lover or otherwise. The sweet, loving, heart penetrating words you whispered to me in my most vulnerable, naked state turned into arrows and daggers aimed straight at my open heart. The mind that you helped mold into the hope of our future together was quickly ruined. Unable to grasp what happened to the love you lavished me with. Unable to understand where my lover went, how she could turn so quickly and why I was left desperately fighting a battle I had no chance of winning. The last gasp of breath trying to get you to remember the undying love you once shared with me as if I came into your life only to pull you from the darkest depths of the pain and misery caused by those that came before me.
I am left with the constant visions of the other man…the other man in “our bed.” The bed that you called “ours”, even though it was only yours, one of the most brilliant manipulations I have ever witnessed. It worked…my God did it work!!! Never have I put so much trust in one person based on one phrase. His truck parked overnight in your driveway, boat attached…in the very spot my truck was parked nearly every other night. A spot I thought you reserved only for me, the man you loved, the man that loved you unconditionally regardless of circumstance or flaw. You took everything away from me, the future we talked about, the proposal I had planned in my head that I was waiting to give, but not until I asked your father for permission. My heart and soul, whatever innocence I had remaining and my belief in fate and true love…FUCK, my entire belief in LOVE at all for that matter. All of this gone when I saw his truck in the driveway of “our home”.
The transition from angel to devil was quick and unrelenting…or at least seemed that way based on when I finally decided to trust my intuition. But what I do know is that I saw the devil in your eyes the last time I saw you. Unrelenting, unwilling to admit your infidelity or confess to your lies. The cold blank stare of a person with no remorse, no empathy and complete disregard for a heart that was given over to you so freely, so willingly and without hesitation. I looked into your beautiful eyes a million times before, when you needed me, when I needed you and when I wanted you to understand the love and commitment I promised to you. But this time…the last time I looked into your eyes, I saw nothing. Eyes glassed over with indifference. No emotion, no love, no remorse or regret as you lied directly to my face, something only the devil could have pulled off with such expertise.
You are gone now and I accept that and I forgive you. I accept the apology you never offered. I forgive you because I believe that something deep seeded has taken over your mind, something you have no control over caused by some traumatic experience in your life that I can’t and will never understand. Nearly every one of the prayers that I send out every night are for your wellbeing; that you someday recognize your sickness and reach out for the help that you so desperately need and I pray for your recovery. Nobody should be forced to live life isolated and alone, without true friends and family and especially without LOVE. There is not a person on earth that deserves to never know what it feels like to really, truly LOVE another person with their whole heart…and I pray you feel that someday, it is the most amazing and fulfilling emotion a human being can ever feel. Deep down, I believe that somewhere in between the love of my life that proclaimed her unyielding love and devotion to me and the cold, dark stranger with the devil in her eyes…is the real, true authentic person you can be and I promise, I would have loved her just as relentlessly.
For now, broken and battered, I move on. Psyche shattered, outlook on love dimmed, innocence gone, heart on the floor in a million pieces…I move on because I know that I deserve the love that I showed you in return. The one thing you can never take from me is my authenticity, everything else you can have because in the end…empathy, honesty, faithfulness and most importantly LOVE, will always win.