Why everyday, loving relationships can be painful.. why love hurts in relationships
Why does love hurt? I mean, seriously.
Love in the movies is full of roses and sunshine but, for some reason, in real life it’s different.
Being in love means being in pain. Maybe not all of the time but certainly some of the time.
Many people are in pain because they are actually being physically or psychically abused by their partner. We aren’t going to talk about that today.
We are going to talk about why every day, regular, loving relationships can be painful.
The answers might surprise you!
1. The uncertainty about the future.
When you are wondering why does love hurt one of the biggest reasons is because of the uncertainty of it all.
Love is wonderful and when we are falling in it we feel so wonderful and secure. And happy. And we get accustomed, in a way, to that security and comfort and we don’t want it to go away.
Unfortunately, there are no guarantees in love. We know that from experience. And our hearts are so scared that this relationship will turn out like others and will cause us pain. Again.
So, it’s the not knowing the future of our relationship – how it will turn out – that causes us physical pain.
The anxiety can cause stomach pain, heart ache that feels real, head fog and other physical symptoms. Symptoms that cause us literal and figurative pain.
Try to manage your worries about the future. No one knows what will happen and worrying about it will only take away from the happiness that you are feeling right now.
2. The expectations of what could be.
Unfortunately, it’s that darn future that causes love to hurt in a relationship.
For many of us, living in the moment is very difficult. Instead of enjoying where we are right now, we project ahead to the future.
Even if you are secure in your relationship, wondering what is next can cause physical and psychic pain.
It’s those questions that you run over and over in your head that do it. When will I see him again? What will we do, if anything, this weekend? When can we move in together? When will she introduce me to her friends?
Again, worrying about the future, even in a secure, committed relationship, can cause pain. The symptoms can be similar to those described above. You might also find yourself feeling needy and clingy, neither of which are very fun for your partner.
So, if this is you, worrying about the future constantly, try to let it go and focus on right now.
3. The chemical crash.
Another reason that love is so painful is because of our body’s chemistry.
When we are falling in love, all sorts of wonderful chemicals are coursing through our bodies.
Dopamine, Serotonin, Oxycontin and Endorphins are all stimulated when we are experiencing love and lust. Those chemicals feels SO good that they are, in a way, addictive. Because our bodies only produce them at certain times, like when we are falling in love or after we exercise, when we don’t have them we crave them.
You know how, when after a lovely weekend together, you separate and the feeling is intensely painful?
That is because your body is literally going into withdrawal of those chemicals that make you feel so good. And you won’t feel them again until you have some contact with your person.
This withdrawal is extremely painful and we will do just about anything to ease the pain. This need leads to anxiety about when we will see them again and the suffering is intensified.
If they are struggling with withdrawal pain, I encourage my clients to exercise.
Dopamine, serotonin, Oxycontin and endorphins are generated by exercise and you can, at least temporarily, get those chemicals coursing through your blood again and alleviate that pain.