3. They are normal again. It will get better now.
It’s all an ‘act’. This is one of the most common ways we rationalize abuse. We are just lying to ourselves. An abusive partner who lacks empathy will never be able to own up to their actions. They may apologize superficially but they will not take any effort to change themselves. It’s one thing to lose your temper once in a while. But when they start to demean, manipulate, criticize and dominate you all the time, then it’s downright unacceptable.
Their kind, charming, romantic and sweet persona which attracted you in the first place is not who they truly are deep down. They are simply hurtful and unpredictable that will rob you of your self-esteem and make you more insecure about yourself. The abuser will shift between being sweet and mean so that you fall for their tricks every time. You can’t get tricked by this ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ game they play with you. This constant cycle of emotional switch will make you seek validation and get you hooked in a biochemical and traumatic level.
4. They came back to you after you left. They still love you.
It’s not about emotions. It’s all about ego. There is no love in an abusive relationship.
Once you have left them and set certain boundaries, it becomes a challenge for them to win you back. They cannot accept rejection or defeat. An abusive ex, whether narcissistic or not, will reconnect with you after the break up to feel that sense of achievement, pleasure and convenience. They need to feed their ego. They don’t really miss you or want you back.
This is called Hoovering. Just like the Hoover vacuum, your abusive ex will try their best to ‘suck’ you back to the traumatic and violent relationship. This allows them to gain dominance over you once again and re-establish the status quo of your relationship. Realize that this is just another manipulation strategy.
5. You want to be their savior
You think you can simply love the hatred out of him. As if he is broken. He needs to be saved. To be fixed. How can you abandon him at his worst when he needs you the most? Even with the purest of intentions to help them or love them with a glaring hope deep in your heart that someday they will change, you can’t change them. You can’t teach them how to love. You can’t ‘fix’ them.
We tend to get attracted to toxic people who we can ‘fix’. It appeals to our nurturing instinct. However, caring about someone and ‘fixing’ their toxic habits are not the same thing. In fact, they don’t even want to get ‘fixed’. Although this ‘fixing’ mindset may give you a purpose in life, in reality you are simply digging your own grave. Your abusive partner is not a project for you to work on. By accepting his flaws, you believe you can help him mature and grow up to be a better person. However, what you fail to realize is that you don’t have the necessary control or power in the relationship to fix them. The certain failure of your purpose will boomerang back to hit your self-esteem.
6. You deserve it because you reacted to their abusive behavior
There is no such thing as mutual abuse. There is always an abuser and a victim. When you are abused, you are bound to feel anger, pain and a whole range of mixed emotions. You are bound to react to abuse. Human beings react to different triggers differently. So if you are being insulted and mistreated repeatedly, you may talk back trying to protect yourself after a period of enduring the abuse.
Such emotions are a clear sign that something in your relationship is out of place. Your partner’s abusive and dysfunctional behavior will severely affect your life, thoughts, identity, goals and beliefs. You will lose your confidence and your sense of self-esteem. So if you feel anger or talk back at your abusive partner, it is only a normal reaction. Not provocation. Surviving chronic trauma will leave a lasting impact on your psyche and your emotional & mental well-being.
When you are stuck in an abusive relationship, it becomes imperative that you identify the pattern, stop blaming yourself, leave your abusive partner, create a safe environment for yourself and finally emotionally detach yourself from them.
It’s never your fault. Stop blaming yourself!
Here’s a helpful video that will enable you to identify if you are in a toxic and abusive relationship:
You may also like:
- It Isn’t Love – It Is Narcissistic Abuse
- How to Leave A Narcissist or Abuser
- Women Abuse Men Too
- Living with Abuse: Why Didn’t I Ask for Help?