Today I’m done holding on to your memory. I’m throwing away all the cards and love letters I’ve held onto for far too long. I’m ripping up every picture I have stashed away in my drawer to remember us. I’m giving your old shirts away to someone who doesn’t know their significance.
I’m letting you go, completely.
I don’t want to scroll through my camera roll and see old pictures of you. I don’t want to be searching through my contacts and see your name come up anymore. I don’t want to find old screen shots of our conversations. I don’t want to hear old songs and think of you.
It’s not that I want to forget about you, because I don’t, not completely anyway. You became a huge part of my life, but that’s the thing. You were just a part of it.
It’s about moving on, I have to move on. It’s about me not thinking about you every time something good happens and wanting to run to you with the news. It’s about being able to handle all the bad on my own. It’s about me picking up my life and moving on without wondering what you’re doing with yours.
It’s letting go of the idea I thought I would spend the rest of my life with you. It’s leaving behind the traces of you that you imprinted everywhere. It’s being okay with being on my own.
It’s about running into you and not having my heart skip a beat, it’s about not getting tongue tied and nervous about what you’re thinking about me. It’s actually not caring anymore about what you do think of me. I don’t want to get butterflies when you say my name. I don’t want to be tossing and turning over the thoughts of missing you.
I’m letting you go because I want to be happy. I want to be able to be happy for you, too. I want to be okay with the fact someone else gets to spend forever with you. I want to be okay with the fact I won’t be waking up next to you again, and that someone else will be pouring your coffee with two creams and two sugars. I want to be okay with the fact someone else is loving your tattoos and your rough hands.
I want to be healed and I want to be whole so that I can find happiness with someone new.
So, today I’m finally letting you go because you and I are no longer anything and holding on to you is only hurting me. Today I decided I need to put myself first and leave you behind for good.
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