Can you see how phrasing things in such a manner opens a door that he can then choose to step through? Rather than approaching him with scolding “put-down” energy?
You get what you want, and he gets to feel like he accomplished something, while nobody is blaming or made to feel wrong.
That is a win-win scenario.
To do this well, you’ll need to be clearly in touch with your needs and practice expressing them. Which means that you’ll have to do a little emotional refining.
What I mean by that is: when we’re not getting a need met in the relationship, the first thing that usually shows up is frustration toward our partner, which we’re then tempted to react with and spit out in its raw, unrefined form (which is messier than it needs to be).
But hidden inside of each frustration is a need. If we can take a moment, we can usually identify that need, and then present it in a more clean, productive, skillful way.
Here’s an example of the exact opposite of what we want to do…
I’d known a couple for 5-6 years, who seemed happy and compatible enough. But a few months ago, completely out of the blue, the woman suddenly wanted to break it up.
The only reason she could explain was, “I feel like you don’t give me enough romantic experiences.” He was taken aback by this and asked what she meant by that, and what that looked like for her, or what she would like for him to do. To which she replied, “You should just know. If I tell you then it’s not romantic.”
What was coming up for this woman was that she was on, what I call, the regress express. In other words, she had regressed into her childhood self (we all do it sometimes!) and was in a place where she wanted her partner to be able to read her mind (like her caregivers did when she was a child).
Now, it’s important to acknowledge that we all have this inside of us. There is a part in all of us that wants to remain a child forever and get what we want without having to express it or put in any effort. But in an adult, conscious relationship, we all must take responsibility for being aware of our needs, and asking for them to be met, when appropriate.
So, back to the more skillful way to express a need while maintaining a polarized charge.
First: Make an ask, not a complaint.
Second: Build a clear desired destination into your ask, so your man can take a course of action needed to satisfy that need.
Put another way… it’s like saying you have a desire to get to the next town over, and then leaving the spaciousness necessary for him to figure out how to get you both there.
Men love to take initiative and solve problems. By using this strategy, you can recruit that core aspect of their nature and ensure that both of you get your needs met, while also getting to maintain a sense of polarity and romantic charge in your relationship.
Once you see this work in your favor, you’ll feel like you’ve seen through The Matrix.
(And if you want to learn more about this concept, from a woman’s perspective, you can read my partner’s article How To Ask For Things In A More Feminine Way.)
A Mindful Memo
Though this has all been written up into a tidy little blog, let’s acknowledge that these are some of the deepest and most nuanced parts of ourselves and our relationships.
It takes a lot of practice to do things like align with our purpose, understands different dialects of vulnerability, and communicate our needs skillfully.
They are no small tasks. But they are the most important things we can master within ourselves and with others, which too few know of and practice.
But from what I’ve seen, even in your initial stages of making efforts, I’m confident that you will already start seeing great shifts in your relationship, or in the next one you begin.
And you’ll be living in a whole new level of love.
Dedicated to your success,
Are you ready to build a better relationship with your man? If you found this post helpful leave a comment.
Written by: Jordan Gray
Originally appeared on Jordan Gray