“You can’t blame gravity for falling in love.” – Albert Einstein
I am pretty sure you already know the type of person you’re attracted to. We all have a type. We all have a few deal makers and deal breakers. Yet, there are times when we fall for someone who is not our ‘type’ by any means and get crazily attracted to them. Do we not know what ‘type’ of person we like?
When it comes to attraction, there are some strange rules that come into play on a more deeper and subconscious level which helps us choose the perfect partner.
Love is mysterious, and it’s probably weird too
“Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.” – Unknown
During one of my bro moments, a buddy and I were checking out a bachelorette party and choosing who the sexiest woman was in the room. At first, we agreed on basic body types and symmetries. We both liked the fit, tall women, but soon we started disagreeing. I liked the Latina girl with almond-shaped eyes, a longer face and an hourglass figure. My friend couldn’t stand longer faces. He was attracted to the blond with a round face and a curvy body.
These conversations happen all over the world in all types of languages, regarding all types of genders. Some girls go for guys dressed in leather, while others go for Mr. Business Suit. Some guys like dangerous girls who are adventurous, and uninhibited, while another guy likes them reliable, soft-spoken, and boring. Eventually, everyone agrees to disagree on who is hot or not.
But why on earth would we have a difference of opinion? Isn’t the ultimate driver reproduction? If that’s the case we would fall in love with potential sex partners of the opposite sex with good genetic fabric, health, wealth, high social status and potentially strong parental qualities.
If reproduction was our main driver, all women would be drawn to big and strong men who could tear the flesh of a black bear. Yet thousands of women (and little girls) are in love with Justin Bebier of all choices. Hell, a gust of wind could blow him over. Men would be drawn to younger women with ample breasts and the optimal waist-to-hip ratios. I like women with smaller hips and I’ve known guys my age who have dated women twice their age.
This doesn’t even include non-reproductive sex. Shouldn’t we just exchange genetic fluid as much as possible, in the position(s) that provide optimal impregnation during a time when a man’s sperm count is high and the woman is ovulating?
Clearly who we fall in love with, who we have non-reproductive sexual acts with and who we care about is not solely based on reproductive success.
There are a lot of theories attempting to understand the dynamics of love. Many offer compelling ideas about why we choose one person over another, but all theories are based on the fundamental belief that each of us has a unique personality that was formed by our personal experiences and biology.
Experiences determine who you love
“Love is like falling down…in the end you’re left hurt, scared, and with a memory of it forever.” – Unknown
To help become more conscious of the unconscious factors that influence who I fall in love with, I took some time researching what causes us to choose who we do and do not fall in love with.
In this article, I propose that the selection of the people we fall in love with, have sex with and marry are based on the unique human experiences that condition us to create sexual behaviors, expectations, and desires that are associated with our past emotional rewards. These emotional rewards become the expectation of what a cue from an interaction, physical trait, and so on will reward us with – love, sex, and security.
When John was in college, he hooked up with a girl visiting from Venezuela. She was absolutely beautiful and gave him tons of affection. He was madly in love. Unknowingly to John, when Maria would smile, she would slightly tilt her head, a mannerism almost identical to his mother. Eventually, his time with Maria ended and John went on with his life.