How we find love today is strange. People have become baseball cards. Dating is dead. Monogamy is on trial. Today more than ever, love is distorted, distracting, and blurry as fuck.
We can literally change our faces, present ourselves in a way that’s not honest, and communicate solely using animation and symbols. We have created a digital crowbar that pries us away from each other but more importantly ourselves, leaving room for knee jerk behaviors that don’t promote our self-worth. But instead, keep us locked in old patterns.
At the same time, we complain.
It’s hard to love today.
Or is it?
Because love has not changed.
We have become impatient and convinced more than ever that the grass is greener when it’s actually Astro Turf. Today’s love landscape is keeping us locked in our heads, chasing fantasy instead of practicing how to build an actual real relationship.
Self-betterment has become the cool kid in the quad and everyone’s “working on themselves” but when it comes to love and dating we’re also ghosting, hiding behind our phones, not being honest with ourselves and others, and avoiding commitment. So what exactly are we working on? Besides gaining followers.
Repeating old patterns.
That’s the problem with love today.
The real work (change) doesn’t happen until you actually choose to love someone and things get difficult. Until all your own shit comes up and you begin to process it. And we are not getting there. We are loving from a distance, love looky-loos. One foot in, one foot out. Swiping and strategizing. Riding the shore break instead of swimming past the breakers, dodging what’s hard, and looking for ways to hack love.
We’re turning invisible and healthy love is just becoming an idea.
Simply put, we are in our heads thinking about love.
Not actually in the trenches building love.
Pat Benetar was wrong.
Love is not a battlefield. Your head is.
Our digital age and swipe culture are causing us to run metrics on each other. Love with caution. Stay in the shallow end. But the thing about love is it requires the jump. Or you don’t hit the high notes. Love only grows as it deepens. You have to close your eyes, fold your arms, and fall backward. Yes, you may get hurt. Yes, things may not work out. But what of value doesn’t require risk? Love is not about the promise. It’s about the daily choice. And if you’re afraid to love because you’re afraid it will end or that he or she will leave, you are not loving. You are testing. And it will end.
Being skittish, afraid, and not willing to truly show ourselves creates poor love experiences that lead to more hurt → running and hiding → becoming more afraid → more running and hiding, and of course the same love experiences we’re afraid of → but most importantly not giving ourselves the opportunity to learn, grow, and evolve from the natural friction that love and relationships produce when two people choose to love each other — Jump.
It’s not about putting your phone down.
Use it as a tool.
It’s about staying out of your head and getting into what’s real.
This means to show up and be you. Be honest and vulnerable and real. Toss your types and be open to the human exchange and hearing a new fucking story. Toss your checklist and types. That will keep you narrow and prevent the universe from working. Stop worrying about your date being “the one.” That’s a myth. Stop ghosting and treating people like condiments. Communicate. Be respectful. Have manners. That’s someone’s sister or brother. You’ll need these things if you ever want a healthy relationship. And finally, stop trying to trace something you see on your Instagram feed. Those are billboards. False advertising. Not real life.