“Reactive Abuse” They Call You Abusive for Reacting To Their Abuse

Reactive Abuse They Call You Abusive for Reacting To Their Abuse
A very common aspect of psychological abuse and manipulation is for the abuser to claim that the victim is being abusive towards them. I’ve written about the abusers “victim complex”, and “gaslighting” in this manner before.
But right now I want to address the specific scenario in which the victim snaps at the abuser. They endure and endure, they have been told that there is nothing to react to, they have been told they overreact to everything, so they are afraid to mention their hurt, and confusion, and cannot acknowledge they are being abused.
The endure so much for so long, they snap. They scream at the abuser. Insult them. Maybe even throw in a low-blow or unfair insult. They may even physically attack, although this is very very uncommon in victims of abuse.
The abuser jumps on this reactionary outburst. They claim it is “proof” that the victim is unstable. They claim it is “proof” that the victim is the abuser after all. They can hold it up, and hold it against the victim for as long as they can, and as hard as they can.
They are not interested in talking things out. They are not interested in listening to why this outburst has happened. They have their “proof”, and that’s all they ever needed from the victim. They get to say things like, “YOU’RE the one who frightened ME”, and “you are an emotional time bomb” and “I have to walk on eggshells around you”, and have the victim believe it.
While the abuser is the actual time-bomb, and the victim is frightened and walking on egg shells, but dare not admit it or bring attention to it, or has been so deeply abused they don’t even see it themselves.
The abuser turns the roles, and paints themselves as the victim.
This leads the victim to believe they are in fact the abusive one in the relationship. They now believe they are violent and emotionally unstable, and may start describing themselves as such and seeking help for these problems.
If they break away from the abuser, they stand no chance at all against the Smear Campaign the abuser then launches. Partially because they believe they -were- wrong.
This does not mean that the reaction was okay. It is never okay to treat another person with violence. However, it is understandable. And it is very important to differentiate this kind of reaction with the kind of ongoing abuse that causes it.
I don’t think it’s fair to call Reactive Abuse “abuse”, because the word implies a severe violence that causes detriment to the mental and physical well being of the victim. “Reactive Abuse” almost never actually harms the true abuser it was aimed at – in fact it is often exactly what they wanted, and only bolsters their sense of self-righteousness and fuels their power over the victim.
A good way to tell a victim who reacted to abuse, and a psychologically abusive person creating a smear campaign against a victim is their attitudes toward their own actions.
Victims will almost always be able to admit their own faults. They will know they reacted badly and did wrong. This quality is actually what the abuser uses against them in the first place to make them believe they are the ones in the wrong. Part of healing from abuse is learning to point out which of the abusers behaviors are, in fact abuse, while still acknowledging what you handled badly. (And everyone reacts badly to things when under the extreme pressure of abuse!).
Abusers will almost never admit they have ever done anything wrong at all. Their victims will be blamed for everything. They will hold every tiny thing against the victim, even things they could not possibly control, or they have never tried to talk to them about. They use social bigotries against the victim, and in their own defense. (Especially mental illness is used in this way – they believe their own illness excuses them from every wrongdoing, and their victims illness is proof they are in the wrong).
The most dangerous, most intelligent psychologically abusive people will even try to fake being able to admit their own mistakes. But they almost always get tripped up in the details, by claiming “oh I handled that badly -” but following it up with “-but only because of (something that is the victims fault after all)”.


"Reactive Abuse" They Call You Abusive for Reacting To Their Abuse

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    • @Chad Clark

      I was able to successfully do so, however I had to hire an attorney, and it took time and $$. Later, in counseling, I learned it is not uncommon for the abuser to actually use the legal system against their target (victim – I’m trying not to be one any more 🙂 ). I had a very sadistic abuser who I would say actually engaged the “system” to terrorize me & attempt to destroy my life. He did not succeed completely, however; he has caused damage despite my ability to exonerate myself and the court admitting he was manipulating them to attack me (I’ll explain).

      In my case, the ex-narc (not married), in retrospect, had been on a mission to paint me as the “crazy” on, as described here. He filed a restrained order against me, (I was told they “hand them out like candy) – apparently all a person has to do is go to the office, plunk down some money, make up some stuff – “she calls all the time, bothering me, etc”, and they are good to go. I couldn’t believe someone could just do this, so when I first went to court for the hearing, I just went myself and told the Well, it was just his word against mine, and he is a good con man. I was living with him, so could not go get any of my things, or go to what was my home (obviously this would be traumatic for me). I didn’t care so much at this point about not seeing him or calling him, however, I was horrified b/c I had this legal document labeling me as a “harasser”. That bothered me the most, especially after how much I endured, and also knowing he would get endless narcissistic supply from telling everyone this story of how he “had to go to this extreme”.. blah blah.

      After a short time, he began calling me, first met me out (he wasn’t supposed to do this either, however I wasn’t supposed to respond either.. but I was stupid, and he was a manipulative malignant narcissist (you know the score, I’m sure). Things progress to us seeing each other and me staying over at his (my former place) again. I asked him about the order, saying aren’t you going to remove that? He said, yeah, he’d get to it, make excuses, blah blah. He had no intention of doing was a weapon he had to use, which he did. When he was ready to be done with me for the time being, one day while I was there; he called the police. And I was in violation of the restraining order. To the police, it didn’t matter whether he invited me (he of course denied). I was arrested and paraded in handcuffs to the police car, in front of all the neighbors watching, and I swear he was smiling. Then, jail, another new and wonderful experience. I know maybe for some people this might not sound bad, but I never had any trouble with the law, am a professional, etc; so it was very traumatic.

      Anyway.. sorry, long story short. After that I was so angry.. he set me up. That is when I got the lawyer, and with my story (which he believed), corroborated by phone records, social media, etc. (he was choosing to have a relationship with me!), the order was overturned and I wasn’t charged with anything (violating a restraining order is a criminal charge – I mean not like a speeding ticket – it would have ruined me). Both the attorney and the judge were disgusting by his using the system and said they wished they could charge HIM with a crime, but unfortunately there wasn’t anything that fit.

      So, it was possible. I don’t know your circumstance, but try to drum up whatever kind of “evidence” you can, or start doing it now, to support your cause. Fight this! Do not allow these @$#rs to get away with this. I think some, not all I’m sure, in the legal system becoming more familiar with this form of abuse.. ‘legal abuse”. The Narc did not even show up for any of the court proceedings (he was given notice).

      Unfortunately, because in my state everything is available to the public, the fact that he applied for, and did received a restraining order for harassment is still on the record – for all to see. I am upset about this. If you click on the item, it will expand and say it was made null and void and that he has misused the system, however, when people are “checking” on you, I think they tend to just look at that, they don’t open it up and see the details. So, it will forever haunt me. I think I will never get a date, because everyone checks up on everyone nowadays, and even with the court’s decision, on paper I still look like I was some harasser. I’ve been asked about it when trying to rent an apt. I’m afraid to apply to do anything b/c I fear people seeing that and am embarrassed. So, yes, legally I was cleared, but it has affected my life, and he experienced no repercussions.

      It is frightening that these monsters can damage your life, for no reason other than their own pleasure, I guess.

      Maybe if you talk to some domestic violence programs, they can help you find an attorney who is familiar with this nonsense. I was lucky, I had a very good attorney and he really hated the guy by the end of it, lol. He was expensive, though.

      I probably could have just left it, however I wanted to clear my name. Good luck. My heart aches for you.

  1. I recently dated a woman for 6 months that claimed she was 8 years removed from a Narcissistic spouse, however she herself portrayed many symptoms of a cluster B personality disorder I have since read about. She continually said very strange things to me along the way. “I don’t want this to be the beginning of the end” I’m fucked up, I come from a long line of broken relationships” “I don’t want you to get tired of me” “I don’t want you to get sick of me” “I don’t want you to get hurt” well at the same time claimed she really liked me and “wanted this to work” She quite often gave me the silent treatment after a small disagreement, sometimes for days on end. She had a very short fuse and anger issues. When she would argue, she had a sharp tongue, her comments were full of hurtful cutting sarcasm. She also stood me up at least a dozen time last minute during our 6 months together. The last time she did this, I voiced my displeasure as to the continual lack of respect with the way she spoke to me and for my time. She broke the relationship off and immediately went into silent mode and would not answer any of the questions via email or text as to why?
    I was pissed ….. enough was enough I finally reacted! I had felt that she pushed me and pushed me until this final silent treatment resulted in me writing her a blatantly honest email (I’m not all that proud of but had to be said) about what I thought of her verbal and mental games and abuse.
    Her ego was pretty wounded as I could tell from the comments and projection of the exact behaviours she had always been displaying herself below in her response to me.

    * You are pouty, moody, childish and very very needy
    * You have ALOT of anger inside of you! Maybe from the divorce, idk….but you should probably deal with it before it eats you up.
    * You are channeling some of this anger at me
    * You have shown me zero respect in this past month.
    * It’s been all about you and your needs. But then I was starting to see a lot of that.
    * You know how to communicate, as you have shown me in the past, but somehow it started leaning into manipulation. I do NOT like to be manipulated by anyone!!!
    * To say you fucked me over is more like it
    * You think you walk on water-well let me tell you, you don’t!
    * You are SO serious all the time-you don’t know how to have fun!
    * Maybe you should get on some meds…
    * Part of me thinks you were trying to buy me.
    * Well, all I can say to this is you are Fucking delusional!!
    * You just chose to try and change my life. YOUR CHOICE, not mine.
    * You might want to address your anger.
    * Nice to see your true colours come out before this went any further. I should have ended things at Thanksgiving.
    * You are just as slimy as the rest of the narcissists out there.
    * We will NEVER be friends-I don’t trust you at all.
    * I hope you are proud of yourself.
    * I still think ALOT of that unhappiness is still inside you-you need to deal with that
    * I hope you find your happiness someday instead of becoming a miserable, negative old man.

  2. I know this scenario well. What has always been puzzling to me is HIS reaction to my reaction…..the two times he LOUDLY pushed so hard he finally got me to shout back (I’m just not a shouter…one of the things he pretended to love about me) he actually instantly smiled. He stopped shouting and moving around, stood looking at me in the eye (rare for him) and smiled. Not just any smile. Both times he looked as if he’d just had an orgasm. Not kidding. ???

  3. Thank you for this article. From what I’ve seen, MOST will stand by and watch the victim be abused, especially in job situations, for fear of loss of employment. MOST will not believe you and reduce the problem to YOUR character flaw (I.e. weak mindedness). ANYTHING rather than admit wrong behavior.

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