Are you paying close attention to your partner’s needs? Here’s an open letter to shitty husbands so you can gear up before it’s too late.
My wife felt unsafe because she could no longer trust me.
She didnโt feel unsafe because she thought I would physically hurt her or because she thought I couldnโt protect her if someone else tried.
She didnโt stop trusting me because she worried I might have sex with someone else.
My wife stopped trusting me because she determined that I could not be counted on to be the partner she needed. As a parent. As a housemate. As a lover. As a financial partner.
It wasnโt the big things that brought her to that point. There often arenโt big things in marriage.
It was the little things. Often, it is the little things that scratch and claw and chip away at the integrity of a marriage until the union and its participants look nothing like they did when first formed.
She was a youthful, fun, vibrant, happy, joyful young woman.
She grew tired, weary, anxious, frightened, sad and angry.
I begged and pleaded for the girl I knew to come back once I stopped recognizing her. I grew sad and angry when she couldnโt or wouldnโt. I blamed her for not trying.
But I think maybe she wanted to. I think she wanted to feel like her old self again. But she simply couldnโt.
Because she couldnโt trust me.
So she kept her guard up.
Because she didnโt feel safe.
Read: 20 Brutally Honest Things Women Turning 40 Want All Women In Their 30s To Know
Men (I) Have a Problem
And I think maybe women have this same problem but because of the state of the world in which we live (where men sometimes literally believe theyโre better than women), I think the male version is worse.
Men think and feel and experience the world around them in certain ways. We experience things, see things, hear things, digest information, and come to what we consider to be very rational, very logical, very sensible, very correct conclusions.
When you think youโre right, everyone who doesnโt see things the same way must be wrong. Thus, your wife or girlfriend is โwrongโ A LOT.
For example, despite loving our wives, forsaking all others, being willing to die for them, and spending every day trying to earn more money and respect and admiration for and from them, our wives often FEEL unloved.
Read: Women Who Remain Single For A Long Time End Up Being The Happiest
And because we donโt think it makes sense for them to feel unloved based on all the things I just listedโbecause we think itโs crazy, irrational and unreasonableโwe pretty much ignore all suggestions to the contrary.
I am mocking and sarcastic. It is a brand of humour my friends and I have enjoyed for as long as I can remember. When I call my male friend a name or laugh at him about something, it is understood that he is my friend, he is loved and respected, and that by virtue of me wanting to be around him and wanting him to be part my social circle, that the comments and laughter are in fun and not mean-spirited.
My wife did not appreciate my mockery and sarcasm directed toward her. She was my wife and deserved a higher standard of treatment, she said.
She was right.
I accidentally hurt her feelings a lot. I NEVER did it on purpose. So I always got pissed when sheโd get mad at me over something I did unintentionally.
But.
The โintentโ argument only works for the first time.
If youโre out hunting and you fire a shot that accidentally kills someone in a nearby home you didnโt realize was there, you are unlikely to be charged with murder or homicide. Because it was an accident.
But if you go out hunting again to that same spot and accidentally kill a second person due to negligence? Have fun in prison.
My crime wasnโt hurting my wifeโs feelings for the first time. An accidental one-time offense is almost always forgivable. My crime was hurting my wifeโs feelings repeatedly, even after she explained why it was happening.
Because I donโt respond to things the same way she does, I never really changed and expected her to adjust to my โcorrectโ way of thinking and feeling and behaving.
Go ahead and keep that up guys and let me know how it works out for you.
Sheโs going to fall in love and have sex with someone else, and sheโs probably going to tell him and her friends what a chump you are.
Youโre not going to like it.
Red: What It REALLY Means When Your Man Looks At Other Women (Says a Man)
Here’s An Open Letter To Shitty Husbands: It’s All About Trust
I donโt like to sound like I know everything, because I donโt know anything about you or your life or what you think and feel.
But what I think Iโve learned is that when I feel and experience something, I can feel confident that MANY others have felt and experienced it too. Because weโre not so different, you and me.
I think most men think about trust in the context of infidelity.
I think one of the major hang-ups guys have about committing to a relationship or to marriage when theyโre young is that by doing so, theyโre effectively promising to never have sex with anyone else again. I donโt know whether men like variety or options or freedom or what, but thatโs a big deal when weโre younger.
I thought of marriage mostly as agreeing to a permanent girlfriend. By agreeing to marriage in my early twenties, I thought I was agreeing to have an exclusive relationship with my girlfriend forever and to not have sex with anyone else.
And thatโs dangerous because a girlfriend isnโt that important and is reasonably easy to replace.
A wife?
In some respects (if you meant your vows) is irreplaceable and a piece of your soul gets poisoned and dies when you lose that fundamental part of you.
Read: Stop Trying to Fix Your Partnerโs Feelings
You take it for granted. You take her for granted.
Like your eyesight. Or functioning legs.
But theyโre really important.
And you figure it out when theyโre gone.
The trust is rarely about whether she worries about you cheating.
Itโs more about whether she can trust you to not hurt her emotionally. About whether she can trust you to help her by not sabotaging her efforts to keep your house clean, or to plan activities with family and friends, or to be a reliable parenting partner.
We had this little stand in our bedroom. I have this thingโespecially with jeansโwhere I wear them once or twice and consider them too clean for the laundry basket, but too dirty to fold and put away. Laundry limbo, if you will. I used to throw them on this stand in the back of our room.
She didnโt like it because it made the room look disorganized and she prided herself on a clean and tidy home.
Sheโd get mad at me because I kept thoughtlessly doing it even after repeated attempts to get me to stop.
Men think: Whyโs she making a federal case about this? Is a pair of jeans sitting out somewhere in my bedroom where no visitors come really THAT big of a deal?
We rationalize it with our sensible, logical brains. And we donโt necessarily work very hard to change the behavior because: โSheโs not going to leave me over laundry!โ
No. Sheโs not going to leave you over laundry.
Sheโs going to leave you because she canโt trust you to be her partner because you donโt even respect her enough to put your laundry-limbo jeans in a different location.
โIf I canโt trust him with this little teeny-tiny thing,โ she thinks, โhow can I ever trust him with my heart?โ
Read: Never Let Her Go (If You Can Say These Things About Her)
Youโre Like a Child
And in EVERY other situation in life, Iโd tell you thatโs a good thing. Kids laugh 200-300 times a day and love life and are happy and innocent and free. Adults are miserable.
We must never stop playing and laughing and dreaming and seeking fun and adventure.
But in a marriage? Being like a child is bad. Thatโs why children canโt and donโt get married.
Your wife used to be a girl.
The girl you fell in love with because she was beautiful and fun and playful and wanted you and made you feel good.
And now she doesnโt act like that anymore. Sheโs worn out. Angry. Short-tempered. Frustrated. Disinterested in your penis. And seems to not even like or respect you anymore.
And now youโre angry and resentful, because your mom never treated your dad like this, or because you thought she was just going to take care of you the way your mother always did.
Youโre angry because you havenโt changed that much, but she has, and you feel cheated because she said โI doโ and now sheโs acting like the man she married isnโt good enough.
You feel unwanted, disrespected, and ashamed.
But, probably without realizing it, you did it to yourself.
Because you have a home, and finances, and maybe children or pets or possessions of significance. Youโre not kids anymore. But you still act like one. When you playfully mock your friends or your wife. When you leave your pants out, or a dish in the sink, or forget to do that thing you promised on your way home.
And all these little things add up.
Why are you making such a big deal about this! you wonder.
And now she CANโT be a kid anymore. She canโt play and laugh and live carefree anymore. Because you are. And if she does it too, nothing will ever get done.
The clothes will never get washed. Meals will never be made. The kids will never have what they need.
Read: 20 Brutally Honest Things Women Turning 40 Want All Women In Their 30s To Know
You refused to take the next step.
So she HAD to.
And now sheโs angry, resentful, sad and afraid.
Because youโve left all the adult work to her.
But, more importantly?
You left her with no choices. And now she doesnโt get to be who she used to be.
And you want that girl back.
But she canโt come back.
Because thereโs no such thing as time travel.
But the clockโs still ticking.
This essay originally appeared on Must Be This Tall To Ride.
Written by Matthew Fray
Originally appeared on TheGoodMenproject
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