My wife felt unsafe because she could no longer trust me.
She didn’t feel unsafe because she thought I would physically hurt her or because she thought I couldn’t protect her if someone else tried.
She didn’t stop trusting me because she worried I might have sex with someone else.
My wife stopped trusting me because she determined that I could not be counted on to be the partner she needed. As a parent. As a housemate. As a lover. As a financial partner.
It wasn’t the big things that brought her to that point. There often aren’t big things in marriage.
It was the little things. Often, it is the little things that scratch and claw and chip away at the integrity of a marriage until the union and its participants look nothing like they did when first formed.
She was a youthful, fun, vibrant, happy, joyful young woman.
She grew tired, weary, anxious, frightened, sad and angry.
I begged and pleaded for the girl I knew to come back once I stopped recognizing her. I grew sad and angry when she couldn’t or wouldn’t. I blamed her for not trying.
But I think maybe she wanted to. I think she wanted to feel like her old self again. But she simply couldn’t.
Because she couldn’t trust me.
So she kept her guard up.
Because she didn’t feel safe.
Men (I) Have a Problem
And I think maybe women have this same problem but because of the state of the world in which we live (where men sometimes literally believe they’re better than women), I think the male version is worse.
Men think and feel and experience the world around them in certain ways. We experience things, see things, hear things, digest information, and come to what we consider to be very rational, very logical, very sensible, very correct conclusions.
When you think you’re right, everyone who doesn’t see things the same way must be wrong. Thus, your wife or girlfriend is “wrong” A LOT.
For example, despite loving our wives, forsaking all others, being willing to die for them, and spending every day trying to earn more money and respect and admiration for and from them, our wives often FEEL unloved.
And because we don’t think it makes sense for them to feel unloved based on all the things I just listed—because we think it’s crazy, irrational and unreasonable—we pretty much ignore all suggestions to the contrary.
I am mocking and sarcastic. It is a brand of humor my friends and I have enjoyed for as long as I can remember. When I call my male friend a name or laugh at him about something, it is understood that he is my friend, he is loved and respected, and that by virtue of me wanting to be around him and wanting him to be part my social circle, that the comments and laughter are in fun and not mean-spirited.
My wife did not appreciate my mockery and sarcasm directed toward her. She was my wife and deserved a higher standard of treatment, she said.
She was right.
I accidentally hurt her feelings a lot. I NEVER did it on purpose. So I always got pissed when she’d get mad at me over something I did unintentionally.
The “intent” argument only works the first time.
If you’re out hunting and you fire a shot that accidentally kills someone in a nearby home you didn’t realize was there, you are unlikely to be charged with murder or homicide. Because it was an accident.
But if you go out hunting again to that same spot and accidentally kill a second person due to negligence? Have fun in prison.
My crime wasn’t hurting my wife’s feelings for the first time. An accidental one-time offense is almost always forgivable. My crime was hurting my wife’s feelings repeatedly, even after she explained why it was happening.
Because I don’t respond to things the same way she does, I never really changed and expected her to adjust to my “correct” way of thinking and feeling and behaving.