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The Joy and Terror Of Losing Yourself in Relationship

Why You Should NEVER Lose Yourself In A Relationship

Don’t be afraid to lose someone, be afraid of losing yourself in the process of loving someone.

Love feels great. Yes, we all know that being in a loving relationship makes us happy. But it also fills our hearts with fear, insecurity, and jealousy. As you fall deeper in love with the One, you increasingly become afraid of losing them. So to make sure they stay, you lose yourself in the relationship. And after a while when you pause to look around, you cannot find Yourself with You.

We become a whole new person that we can’t even recognize ourselves.  We become someone our partners can’t recognize either. Becoming inauthentic is an excellent recipe for a toxic relationship and an unfulfilled life.

“Never lose yourself while trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about losing you.” – unknown

Read: Are You Losing Yourself In Your Relationship? Stages of Codependency and What To Do

The Joy & Terror Of Losing Yourself in Love and Relationships

The Joy and Terror Of Losing Yourself in Relationship
The Joy and Terror Of Losing Yourself in Relationship

Ah, to fall in love… the spell… the fireworks.. the endorphins…the sex.. the fullness we feel with the One.

How sweet it is to be in love with you.
You complete me.
I am someone else with you.

The escape from self infuses us with euphoria and joy like no other. Poets, romantics, and dreamers have written about it for centuries.

In you, I see me.
In you, I am infinite.
In you, all is possible.

The urge to merge, to be with no other, to dive deep into love. It is truly one of life’s most pleasurable states. We seek it, crave it, and want it badly.

We open our hearts, trust, and jump into love’s incantation.

losing yourself
The Joy and Terror Of Losing Yourself in Relationship

And then in time, we want more. To be in the spell daily, to live it 24/7, to fully enter the dream of what life can be like together.

We move in together, we go to sleep together, wake up together, share meals together. We make our lives together.

And it’s good. We are attentive, loving, and feel the sweetness of love.

But then agitations creep in. Judgments surface. Annoyances. Doubts. Concerns. The joy of losing our self in the other diminishes. It begins to feel burdensome.

Life on the relationship road feels narrow, constricted, claustrophobic.

And this is where I see clients in my office, saying things like…

“I don’t know who I am with her anymore.”
“Where I begin and where he ends… is no longer clear.”
“It’s like we’re in this fog and we can’t see each other.”

The recurring theme is … I’ve lost who I am with my partner and I’m scared.

Read: 12 Signs You Are Losing Yourself In Your Relationship

It is here where we are no longer thinking about our own thoughts or having our own feelings. We feel like who we are has been co-opted by our partner.

She never lets me choose my own sweetener.
He hates it when I go out with my girlfriends.

The days go by and we wonder, How did I get here?

So, what happened? How did we get there?

Somewhere in the romantic journey, we gave up thinking for ourselves and having our own feelings. In-love-ness demanded we become someone other than our self.

The Joy and Terror Of Losing Yourself in Relationship

In falling in love, we sculpted our behavior to meet the desires of our partner. We wanted to make the One happy. We wanted the spell of love to last.

We ascribe to what I call “relational obedience.”

A tight-lipped container that says – Act this way so that you can keep things going smoothly. Don’t rock the boat.

Through relational obedience, we attempt to keep our relationship alive. But it is merely an attempt to hang on, to keep the “us” together.

In this state, we are in our limbic system, fight or flight, primal fear; we don’t feel safe. We are fighting off the threat of losing our tribe of two.

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Stuart Motola

Stuart Motola specializes in helping individuals and couples attract and maintain a fulfilling partnership. He helps individuals attract who they seek (i.e. date more effectively), kill the voice of desperation and aloneness, and know the difference between a love that makes you big versus a love that makes you small. He teaches couples how to repair after conflict, cut unconscious cycles of projection and blame, communicate more responsibly, and to take risks to reignite passion and aliveness. Stuart has shared his expertise as a coach, author, speaker, and facilitator throughout the world and wrote the #1 Amazon best-selling book “Fixing You Is Killing Me: A Conscious Roadmap To Knowing When To Save And When To Leave Your Relationship.”View Author posts