Are You Losing Yourself In Your Relationship? Stages of Codependency and What To Do

 / 

,
Are You Losing Yourself In Your Relationship

What if you are losing yourself in your relationship without being even aware of it? As codependents, we lose ourselves in relationships, unaware that losing our self is the greatest despair.

When the relationship inevitably ends, it’s devastating, because we are lost. We lack autonomy because that task wasn’t completed by adulthood. The struggle to achieve it is typical of codependent relationships.

Often there are power struggles, characterized by repeated, unresolved arguments, either about a single recurring issue or numerous trivial things. Many of them boil down to the question of who has control, whose needs will be met, or how intimate they will be. Intimacy problems are a common symptom of codependency.

Avoidance of intimacy and the vulnerability that occurs when we open up is a way to maintain control and autonomy. We fear that closeness makes us more dependent on our partner and exposed to being judged and hurt.

These outcomes aren’t necessarily true but hearken back to a traumatic or dysfunctional childhood when being vulnerable and dependent was unsafe. Some people feel unsafe both in and out of a relationship. The more we’re threatened by closeness and autonomy, the greater is the conflict in the relationship.

Read Codependent Relationships: Takers and Caretakers

How are you losing yourself in your relationship

We lose ourselves gradually in small imperceptible ways. It can start with romance when it’s normal to want to please our loved ones and spend much of our time together. However, emotionally mature adults don’t drop their activities, give up their lives (they have a life), or overlook the improper behavior of their partner, despite strong physical attraction.

1) STAGES OF CODEPENDENCY

Many codependents do fine on their own, but once in a relationship, the stages of codependency take hold. When there is “chemistry,” they overlook negative indicators that might be a warning not to get involved. It’s actually true that feel-good chemicals in our brain start to alleviate our emptiness, so that we want more of that drug.

We don’t want to lose those good feelings. Hence, we become increasingly preoccupied with and dependent upon our loved one. The desire to please can lead to obsession, denial about our partner’s behavior, and doubt about our own perceptions.

codependency isn't sexy

Boundaries become blurred so that we don’t say “no” or set limits on what we’re willing to do or what we’ll accept from our partner. Not only that, confusion arises between what our partner feels and our own feelings. We feel responsible for them, too. If he’s sad, then I’m sad, too–as the Barry Manilow song goes. If she’s angry, it must be my fault.

We’re confused (or never really knew) what we believe, what are our values and opinions. We may not have noticed this until we got involved in a serious relationship. In the middle stage of codependency, we give up our hobbies, outside interests, friends, and sometimes relationship(s) with our relative(s) to be with our partner.

Usually, we do this willingly at the start of a relationship but later may do so to comply with our partner’s wishes. Although our choices seem desirable or necessary, we’re not consciously aware of the price we pay: Our Self!

Read Deprogramming Codependent Brainwashing

2) DISEASE OF A “LOST SELF.”

This is why codependency is a disease of a “lost Self.” Because our identity is referenced externally, we prioritize our relationships above our self, not occasionally, which would be normal, but repeatedly. In important relationships, we dread losing our connection with others or their approval.

With our partner, we sacrifice ourselves over and over in small and big ways―from insignificant concessions to giving up a career, cutting off a relative, or condoning or participating in unethical behaviour that before would have seemed unimaginable. That’s how you start losing yourself in your relationship.

A pattern of compliance develops and new norms are established, like the gradual restrictions on Jews in Nazi Germany. Over time, we build up guilt, anger, and resentment that’s often silent. We blame ourselves. Our self-esteem and self-respect, if we had any coming into the relationship, are whittled away.

We become anxious and depressed, more obsessive and/or compulsive. We slowly give up choice and freedom until we feel trapped and hopeless, while our depression and despair grow. We may develop an addiction or physical symptoms. Eventually, we can become a shell of our former self.

3) ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

Symptoms of codependency are exacerbated when we’re in an authoritarian relationship, where decisions revolve around the needs and authority of one person. This is typical of an abusive relationship, where our partner makes explicit demands. When our partner is insistent, it feels as if we have to choose between ourselves and our relationship―that we must give up our Self to keep it.

We become invisible, no longer a separate person with independent needs and wants, assuming we knew what they were. To please our partner and not make waves, we give them up and collude in sacrificing our Self.

Our relationship might be with an addict or someone mentally ill or with a personality disorder, such as narcissistic, borderline, or anti-social personality disorder. These partners are manipulative and can be abusive or threaten abuse or abandonment when they don’t get their way or sense that we’re becoming more autonomous. Any act toward autonomy, such as setting a boundary, threatens their control.

Read Is This Love or Emotional Dependency?

They will attempt to maintain power and authority with guilt, character assassination, gaslighting, and all forms of criticism and emotional abuse. If you had a controlling parent, this pattern may have been established in childhood and carries over into your adult relationships.

You end up walking on egg-shells and living in fear that can traumatize your nervous system, with symptoms continuing after you leave. It’s essential to get outside support and seek counselling to recover from losing yourself in your relationship.

Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships are interdependent. There is give and take, respect for each other’s needs and feelings, and are able to settle conflict through authentic communication. Decisions and problem-solving are collaborative. Assertiveness is key. Negotiations are not a zero-sum game.

Boundaries are expressed directly, without hinting, manipulation, or assuming our partner will read our mind. Neither security nor autonomy is threatened by closeness. Vulnerability actually makes us stronger, not weaker. In fact, we can be more intimate and vulnerable when our autonomy and boundaries are intact and respected.

Both partners feel secure. They want to maintain their relationship and allow for each other’s separateness and independence, and aren’t threatened by their partner’s autonomy. Thus the relationship supports our independence and gives us more courage to explore our talents and growth.

Read 9 Differences Between True Love & Emotional Dependency

Recovery

In recovery, we recover our lost self. Unaware of their codependency, people want to change their partner, not realizing that change begins within. Often our partner changes in response to our new behavior, but either way, we will feel better and stronger for it. Reading about codependency is a good beginning, but greater change occurs through therapy and attending Twelve-Step meetings, such as Al-Anon, CoDA, Nar-Anon, Gam-Anon, or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

In recovery, you will gain hope as the focus shifts from the other person to yourself, where change is possible. Raise Your Self-esteem, learn How to Be Assertive to express feelings, wants, and needs and to set boundaries. You’ll develop positive habits of self-care.

Psychotherapy often includes healing PTSD, childhood trauma, and internalized or toxic shame. (See Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You.)

Eventually, your happiness and self-esteem doesn’t depend on others. You gain the capacity for both autonomy and intimacy. You experience your own power and self-love. You feel expansive and creative, with the ability to generate and pursue your own goals.

Codependency doesn’t automatically disappear if you leave a codependent relationship. After losing yourself in your relationship recovery requires ongoing maintenance. After a while, changes in thinking and behaviour become natural, and the tools and skills learned become new healthy habits. Perfectionism is a symptom of codependency. There is no such thing as perfect recovery. Recurring symptoms merely present ongoing learning opportunities!

©Darlene Lancer 2018


Written by Darlene Lancer JD, MFT
Republished with permission.

Are You Losing Yourself In Your Relationship Stages of Codependency and what you can do about it
Are You Losing Yourself In Your Relationship? Stages of Codependency and What You Can Do About It
Are You Losing Yourself In Your Relationship? Stages of Codependency and What To Do

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *



Up Next

Codependency or Love? 8 Signs Of Enmeshment In Romantic Relationships

Eight Signs Of Enmeshment In Romantic Relationships

Ever felt like you’re too close in your relationship? When two become one, where’s the “me” in the “we”? Welcome to the world of enmeshment in romantic relationships. It’s where deep love can sometimes feel like a tight squeeze. So, are you in a cosy embrace or a restrictive hold?

Join us as we shed light on these blurred boundaries and help you find your footing. It’s all about striking the right balance: being close yet maintaining your own space.

Ready to dive deeper into understanding enmeshment in romantic relationships and balancing your love connection? Let’s get started.



Up Next

From “Me” To “We”: What An Interdependent Relationship Looks Like

What Is An Interdependent Relationship Like - Three Good Signs

Interdependent relationships form the bedrock of romantic success, fostering mutual growth and unwavering support. Discover the key to a thriving love life!

To feel free in an interdependent relationship is the goal of recovery. It requires autonomy, self-esteem, and boundaries. Being able to envision what a healthy relationship looks like can help us modify our behavior to overcome codependency.

It’s paradoxical that autonomy supports a healthy relationship and we can feel even freer while in one. In fact, a balance of autonomy and intimacy makes the relationship more stable.



Up Next

What Is Imago Relationship Therapy? How It Can Transform Your Marriage And Heal Past Trauma

What Is Imago Relationship Therapy Steps For A Deeper Connection

Do you experience frequent conflicts in your relationship? Do you feel an emotional disconnection with your partner? Then maybe imago relationship therapy can help you heal from past trauma and avoid triggers to build a more positive relationship with your partner.

What is imago relationship therapy (IRT)?

Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT), commonly known as Imago therapy, is a form of couples therapy that aims to help couples deepen their connection, increase their intimacy, and resolve conflicts by helping them understand and communicate with each other more effectively.

Imago is a Latin word meaning “image”. It is believed that in



Up Next

5 Things People Say To Justify Staying In A Toxic Relationship

Things People Say Staying In Toxic Relationship

Have you ever seen anyone with an unhealthy lover and wondered why they justify staying in a toxic relationship? Well, here are five reasons why or things they say.

You would be amazed at the variety of things that people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship, the ways they excuse that they are willing to compromise their health and happiness to stay with someone who is making them miserable.

And I get it. Everyone wants to be in a relationship, so much so that they will stay in one that’s bad for them, even if they are suffering. Even if they are suffering enough to reach out to a life coach.

So many of my clients know that they have to walk away, and some even do, for a minute. But staying away is easier said than done for someone who is caught up in the ups and down



Up Next

The Winter Solstice — Christmas As A Time Of Spiritual Rebirth

The Winter Solstice

Winter solstice – the time of darkness that encourages people to celebrate the rebirth of light. Take inspiration from it and make way for a spiritual rebirth.

And as we know, Christmas changes everything, we hope you’re here for change!

December 22 marks the beginning of rebirth — following the year’s shortest day. The winter solstice since ancient times represented symbolically the death and rebirth of the Sun, marked by a festive holiday, Saturnalia honoring the pagan sun god, on December 25th.

This day came to be Christmas. On Jesus’ birth, celebrated that day, the angel says “God’s power will rest on you.” The power of God flows through each of us. How do you call upon that spirit and manifest it in your life? Do you have a relationshi



Up Next

What Is Relationship Anxiety? Signs, Causes, & How To Overcome

Signs Of Relationship Anxiety

Every relationship has its share of disagreements and resolutions. However, dealing with relationship anxiety can make your love life stressful. Learn the signs, causes, and how to overcome them.

Anxiety is common at the beginning of a relationship, but relationship anxiety can continue for the long term. It refers to intense worry, fear, doubt, and insecurity about a relationship and is associated with interpersonal dependency and interpersonal avoidance. Insecurity about ourselves, our boundaries, and our self-esteem can cause relationship anxiety. Women are more prone to this than men.

What Is Relationship Anxiety?

It’s a form or symptom of codependency rooted in



Up Next

The 4 Stages Of A Toxic Relationship That Can Break And Rebuild You

Stages of a toxic relationship Break Rebuild You

If you’ve ever been in a relationship, chances are you know what a toxic relationship is like. While not all relationships are toxic, most have some degree of toxicity and some are just downright abusive. If you are trapped in a relationship with a toxic partner, then you should know about the stages of a toxic relationship to know when to walk out. 

Although initially we may not want to believe it, a toxic relationship will eventually reveal itself no matter how much we turn a blind eye to it. Every time we are abused, we tell ourselves that it is an isolated incident. That they will never do this again with us. That they love us. That they were just angry. But regardless of how many excuses we make up inside our mind to protect our false beliefs, the signs of a toxic relationship keep creeping up on us. As the honeymoon stage slowly erodes away and makes way for the toxicity,