Deprogramming Codependent Beliefs

 / 

,
Deprogramming Codependent Belief

Having codependent beliefs goes back to when you were an innocent child because this doesn’t happen overnight. Rather, this is a result of years of grooming and experiences going back to your childhood.

Codependency is based on false, dysfunctional beliefs that are learned from our parents and the environment. Recovery entails changing those beliefs, the most damaging of which is that weโ€™re not worthy of love and respect โ€“ that weโ€™re somehow inadequate, inferior, or just not enough.

This is internalized shame. Last year, I published a blog, โ€œCodependency is based on Fake Facts,โ€ explaining the effects of this programming, which squelches our true self. Romantic love thatโ€™s mutual can for a brief time liberate our natural, true self. We get a glimpse of what it would be like to live unshackled by shame and fearโ€•why love feels so wonderful.

There are countless ways parents communicate shameโ€•often, with just a look or body language. Some of us were shamed with criticism, told we werenโ€™t wanted or made to feel we were a burden. In other cases, we inferred that belief from neglect, violation of our boundaries, or dismissal of our feelings, wants, and needs. This can happen even when parents say they love us.

Being codependent themselves, shame and dysfunctional parenting get passed down unconsciously. Bad parenting can also be the result of an addiction or mental illness.

Deprogramming Codependent Brainwashing
Codependent Beliefs

Identify your beliefs

Itโ€™s key to recovery that we separate damaging beliefs from reality and from our truth. Like digging through manure, this is how we uncover the goldโ€•our buried true self thatโ€™s longing to be expressed. Most of us find it difficult to identify our core beliefs. To a large extent, theyโ€™re unconscious.

In fact, sometimes, we think we believe something, but when our thoughts and actions (including words), prove the opposite. For example, maybe you know someone who claims to be honest, but who misrepresents or lies when necessary. However, we can discover our beliefs from our behavior, our thoughts, and feelings.

Beliefs generate thoughts, feelings, and actions. (Sometimes feelings come before thoughts.)

Beliefs โ†’ Thoughts โ†’ Feelingsโ†’ Actions

Related: 13 Ways Being Raised by a Narcissist Can Affect You

Examining our thoughts and feelings provides clues to underlying beliefs. For example, when you donโ€™t keep your body as clean as you like, are you just uncomfortable, or do you feel ashamed or disgusted? What do you say to yourself? Your thoughts might reveal a belief that itโ€™s shameful and disgusting not to shower daily or that body odor or fluids are repulsive. Such beliefs indicate a general distaste and shame about the human body.

When we feel we should or shouldnโ€™t do something, it may indicate a belief. โ€œI should shower daily,โ€ is more of a rule or standard than a belief. The underlying belief might be about the virtues of cleanliness or hygienic well-being.

Another way to gain self-awareness is to notice how you judge others. We usually judge others for the same things we would judge ourselves.

Criticism and devaluing statements or gestures directed toward children attack their fragile sense of self and worth. They create insecurity and a belief of unlovability. List parental statements that impacted your self-esteem. (See Codependency for Dummies.)

Examples are:

  • โ€œYouโ€™re too sensitive,โ€
  • โ€œYou canโ€™t do anything right.โ€
  • โ€œI sacrificed for you.โ€
  • โ€œYouโ€™re good for nothing.โ€
  • โ€œWho do you think you are?โ€

Beliefs also come from experiences with siblings and peers, as well as other authority figures and cultural, societal, and religious influences. In all, our beliefs are a conglomerate of other peopleโ€™s opinions. Usually, theyโ€™re not based on facts, and they may be challenged.

Our over-reactions to people when weโ€™re triggered are perfect opportunities to analyze and challenge the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that are being activated. For example, if someone doesnโ€™t return your call, do you feel hurt, guilty, ashamed, or angry? Do you assume they donโ€™t like you, are angry at you, that you did something wrong, or that theyโ€™re inconsiderate? What is the story you weave, and what is the underlying belief?

A few of the common beliefs codependents hold are:

โ€ข Other peopleโ€™s criticisms are true.
โ€ข People wonโ€™t like me if I make a mistake.
โ€ข Love must be earned.
โ€ข I donโ€™t deserve love and success.
โ€ข My wants and needs should be sacrificed for others.
โ€ข I must be loved and approved of to feel okay.
โ€ข Other peopleโ€™s opinions carry more weight than mine.
โ€ข Iโ€™m only lovable if a partner loves me (or at least needs me.)

Many codependents are perfectionists and hold false, perfectionistic beliefs that who they are and what they do are โ€œimperfect,โ€ making them feel that theyโ€™re inferior or a failure. See โ€œIโ€™m Not Perfect, Iโ€™m Only Humanโ€ โ€“ How to Beat Perfectionism.)

Want to know more about codependent beliefs? Check this video out below:

Codependent beliefs

Challenge your beliefs

Once youโ€™ve identified your beliefs, challenge them.

โ€ข Ask yourself what evidence you have to support your beliefs and thoughts?
โ€ข Might you be mistaken or biased?
โ€ข Are you certain your interpretations of events are accurate?
โ€ข Check out your assumptions by asking people questions.
โ€ข Is there any evidence for another point-of-view?
โ€ข Are there instances in your experience or in the experience of others that even occasionally contradict your assumptions? Survey people to find out.
โ€ข Do people disagree with your conclusions? Find out.
โ€ข What would you say to someone else who thought and felt as you did?
โ€ข What would a caring friend say to you?
โ€ข Do you feel pressured to believe as you do? Why?
โ€ข Are you free to change your mind?
โ€ข What are the consequences of remaining rigid in your thinking?
โ€ข What would be the consequences of changing your mind?

Related: 10 Parenting Habits That Harm Our Kids

Practice recovery

Itโ€™s not enough to read about codependency. Real change requires that you risk behaving differently. (See my Youtube, โ€œCodependency Recoveryโ€) This requires courage and support. Instead of being your codependent self, start โ€œAffirming Your True, Authentic Self.โ€

Think good thoughts about yourself. Notice and change how you talk to yourself. For example, instead of looking for what is wrong with you, start noticing what you like about yourself. Instead of saying, โ€œI canโ€™t,โ€ say โ€œI wonโ€™t,โ€ or โ€œI can.โ€ 

Take action to meet your needs.

Authenticity is a powerful antidote for shame. Express who you really are. Speak up, being authentic, and share your thoughts and feelings. Set boundaries. 

Take action to do what you really want. Many codependents are sure theyโ€™ll fail and are afraid to risk. Try new things, even though you donโ€™t believe youโ€™re good at them! Discover you can learn and improve with practice. This is the master key that unlocks many doors. Then you know you can learn anything. Thatโ€™s empowerment!

ยฉDarlene Lancer 2018


Written by Darlene Lancer JD, MFT
Deprogramming Codependent
Deprogramming Codependent Beliefs
Codependent Belief pin
Deprogramming Codependent Beliefs
Codependent Beliefs pin
Deprogramming Codependent Beliefs

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

5 Things People Say To Justify Staying In A Toxic Relationship

Things People Say Staying In Toxic Relationship

Have you ever seen anyone with an unhealthy lover and wondered why they justify staying in a toxic relationship? Well, here are five reasons why or things they say.

You would be amazed at the variety of things that people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship, the ways they excuse that they are willing to compromise their health and happiness to stay with someone who is making them miserable.

And I get it. Everyone wants to be in a relationship, so much so that they will stay in one thatโ€™s bad for them, even if they are suffering. Even if they are suffering enough to reach out to a life coach.

So many of my clients know that they have to walk away, and some even do, for a minute. But staying away is easier said than done for someone who is caught up in the ups and down


READ FULL ARTICLE โ‡ฒ
Up Next

The Winter Solstice โ€” Christmas As A Time Of Spiritual Rebirth

The Winter Solstice

Winter solstice - the time of darkness that encourages people to celebrate the rebirth of light. Take inspiration from it and make way for a spiritual rebirth.

And as we know, Christmas changes everything, we hope you're here for change!

December 22 marks the beginning of rebirth โ€” following the yearโ€™s shortest day. The winter solstice since ancient times represented symbolically the death and rebirth of the Sun, marked by a festive holiday, Saturnalia honoring the pagan sun god, on December 25th.

This day came to be Christmas. On Jesus' birth, celebrated that day, the angel says "God's power will rest on you." The power of God flows through each of us. How do you call upon that spirit and manifest it in your life? Do you have a relationshi


READ FULL ARTICLE โ‡ฒ
Up Next

What Is Relationship Anxiety? Signs, Causes, & How To Overcome

Signs Of Relationship Anxiety

Every relationship has its share of disagreements and resolutions. However, dealing with relationship anxiety can make your love life stressful. Learn the signs, causes, and how to overcome them.

Anxiety is common at the beginning of a relationship, but relationship anxiety can continue for the long term. It refers to intense worry, fear, doubt, and insecurity about a relationship and is associated with interpersonal dependency and interpersonal avoidance. Insecurity about ourselves, our boundaries, and our self-esteem can cause relationship anxiety. Women are more prone to this than men.

What Is Relationship Anxiety?

Itโ€™s a form or symptom of codependency rooted in


READ FULL ARTICLE โ‡ฒ
Up Next

The 4 Stages Of A Toxic Relationship That Can Break And Rebuild You

Stages of a toxic relationship Break Rebuild You

If youโ€™ve ever been in a relationship, chances are you know what a toxic relationship is like. While not all relationships are toxic, most have some degree of toxicity and some are just downright abusive. If you are trapped in a relationship with a toxic partner, then you should know about the stages of a toxic relationship to know when to walk out. 

Although initially we may not want to believe it, a toxic relationship will eventually reveal itself no matter how much we turn a blind eye to it. Every time we are abused, we tell ourselves that it is an isolated incident. That they will never do this again with us. That they love us. That they were just angry. But regardless of how many excuses we make up inside our mind to protect our false beliefs, the signs of a toxic relationship keep creeping up on us. As the honeymoon stage slowly erodes away and makes way for the toxicity,


READ FULL ARTICLE โ‡ฒ
Up Next

10 Signs Of Healthy Boundaries

Signs Of Healthy Boundaries

What are healthy boundaries? And how do we draw the line politely? If you're able to verbalize your thoughts in a relationship, it's one of the signs of healthy boundaries.

Healthy boundaries are essential in recovery from codependency. They both build and reflect self-esteem. Learning to have healthy boundaries is an essential aspect of individuating and becoming an individual and autonomous person.

Boundaries are learned in childhood. Some dysfunctional families are enmeshed and your individuality and boundaries are ignored or openly disrespected in words or actions; for example, verbal and physical abuse, prying into your personal communications, denying your privacy, and disrespecting your feelings and opinions.


READ FULL ARTICLE โ‡ฒ
Up Next

Lack Of Individuation: From Codependent Chameleon To True Self

Individuation

Being Codependent means being unable to identify with your own feelings and needs. Here's the process of individuation that'll help to regain your true self!

When we first met, I told my husband I was very adaptable. I didnโ€™t realize the price of being a chameleon until I started recovery and my journey of individuation. By then I was dead inside. Iโ€™d spent years adapting to abuse and belittling that Iโ€™d absorbed. I was detached from my feelings and needs, and passion eluded me.

By accommodating a narcissistic mother, Iโ€™d long been disconnected from my true self. Iโ€™d learned to play various roles, but who I was wasnโ€™t something I thought much about.


READ FULL ARTICLE โ‡ฒ
Up Next

CRAFT Approach: Addiction Treatment And Codependency

CRAFT Approach

It's time to consider the CRAFT Approach if a person is struggling with addiction of any kind and is in danger of harming themselves or other people.

Robert J. Meyers and William R. Miller founded the CRAFT addiction treatment program in the late 1970s. Let's examine what it is exactly.

What Is CRAFT approach?

Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT) is a program developed in the 70s that has been effective in helping a loved one of an addict (โ€œConcerned Significant Otherโ€ โ€“ CSO) with a substance use disorder who refuses treatment to motivate them to start treatment.

The program has been more than twice as effective as interventions, Al-Anon, and Nar-Anon in helping CSOs get their loved ones to treatment.1<


READ FULL ARTICLE โ‡ฒ