How To Overcome The Need To Please: 6 Step Guide

Published on:

How To Overcome The Need To Please 2

Are you someone who thinks a lot and cares about how other people perceive you? Do you have an inherent need to please others, all because you want everyone to like you?

โ€œCare about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.โ€ โ€”Lao Tzu

People-pleasing, approval-seeking, need-to-be-liked syndromeโ€”call it what you willโ€”seeking self-worth through the approval of others is a fruitless endeavor and an exhausting way to go through life.

So why do we do it? Why do we allow what others think of us to have so much power over how we feel about ourselves? If itโ€™s true that you canโ€™t please all of the peopleย all of the time, wouldnโ€™t it make sense to stop trying?

Unfortunately, sense often isnโ€™t driving our behavior. For social beings who crave love and belonging, wanting to be liked and caring about the effect we have on others is healthy and allows us to connect.ย However, where we get into trouble is when our self-worth is contingent upon whether we win someoneโ€™s approval or not.

โ€œThe need to feel โ€˜okayโ€™, liked, or approved-of is rooted in the messages a person received about their inherent worthiness and belonging while growing up,โ€ says clinical psychologist Erika Martinez, Psy.D. โ€œSomewhere along the way, people with contingent self-worth learned that their worth came from othersโ€™ approval, not from within themselves.โ€

Rachel S. Heslin, author of Navigating Life: 8 Different Strategies to Guide Your Way, traces this need to be liked back to when we were children and were completely dependent on others to take care of us. โ€œSmall children are not just learning how to walk and communicate, they are also trying to learn how the world worksโ€ฆwe learn about who we are and what is expected of us based on interactions with others.โ€ Heslin goes on to say, โ€œTo a four-year-old, if Mommy or Daddy doesnโ€™t like you, there is the danger that they will abandon you, and you will die. We need to understand that when we desperately want someone to approve of us, itโ€™s being driven by that little kid part of us that is still terrified of abandonment and death.โ€

The reality is that what others think of us is none of our business.

โ€œAs you become more capable of providing yourself with the approval you seek,โ€ says Heslin, โ€œyour need for external validation will start to dissipate, leaving you stronger, more confident, and yes, happier in your life.โ€

Read 9 Important Reminders For A People Pleaser and How To Finally Say โ€˜Noโ€™

Though far easier said than done, there are steps that can be taken to build self-worth from within and reduce the need to please.

1. Cultivate awareness.

โ€œIn orderย to change unhealthy approval-seeking behaviors,ย we have toย become aware of them,โ€ saysย psychotherapist Santiagoย Delboy, MBA, LCSW, S-PSB.ย โ€œSometimes they can be apparent, such as when we actively seek validation or avoid confrontation. Sometimes they can be subtler, for instance [when we] are very compliant, agreeable, or do not want to โ€˜rock the boat.โ€™โ€

So, how do we recognize when we are engaging in these less apparent types of people-pleasing behaviors?ย Jenn Kennedy, LMFT suggests asking yourself the following questions. โ€œDid you say yes when you really wanted to say no? Did you quiet your voice because it didnโ€™t please or echo someone else who you deem important? Does it seem like you are overextending? If so,โ€ she says, โ€œtry pushing back on these habits and see what comes of it.โ€

โ€œAwareness alsoย includes an evolving understanding of the experiences that led to the behavior in the first place,โ€ says Delboy. โ€œThose experiences left emotional wounds that we canโ€™t heal if we donโ€™t take a look at them.โ€ He says those with an anxious attachment style may be more prone to unhealthy approval-seeking behaviors.

Working with a therapist to process these experiencesย can be enormously helpful in beginning the healing process.

2. Practice self-compassion.

As mental health professionals, one of the first principles we learn is to meet our clients where they are. This same principle should be applied to ourselves. Self-compassion, or self-love, involves accepting where you are in your life, and who you areโ€”flaws and all. โ€œInstead of being harsh with ourselves, it is very important to give ourselves the love, constancy, and security that we didnโ€™t receive growing up,โ€ says Delboy. โ€œThrough self-compassion, we can understand that even if people donโ€™t like us, that is not a reflection of our value as a human being.โ€

An inextricable part of developing self-compassion is caring for oneโ€™s self. Kennedy describes self-care as the antidote to an excessive need for approval. โ€œIt is speaking up when wronged, acknowledging accomplishments to self, as well as tolerating the discomfort of being dismissed or criticized. Itโ€™s accepting that you arenโ€™t for everyone, and that is okay.โ€

Part of self-care is putting ourselves before anotherโ€”not in a selfish way, but in the way a mother must put the oxygen mask on herself first to be able to help her child. Without our own oxygen, we are no good to anyone else.

Through self-care, we cultivate self-esteem. Glenn R. Schiraldi, Ph.D., Lt. Colonel (USAR, Ret.), author of The Self-Esteem Workbook, Ten Simple Solutions for Building Self-Esteem and The Resilience Workbook, defines self-esteem as a realistic, appreciative opinion of oneself, and having inner security that is not shaken by adversity, including the fluctuating opinions of others. โ€œThe journey toward developing healthy self-esteem,โ€ he says, โ€œstarts with the recognition that people are born with unconditional human worth that is independent of the way people treat us.โ€

Read Are You A People-Pleaser? How Trying To Please Others Too Much Will Harm You

3. Build a positive support network.

Who we choose to surround ourselves with can greatly impact our well-being and influence our sense of selves. This is especially true for those who struggle with low self-worth. โ€œSince the need to be liked oftentimes stems from failures in our early relationships, it is important to develop healthy and reparative relationships,โ€ says Delboy.

โ€œThese take time and require us to take the risk of opening up and being vulnerable. We might be afraid that by opening up we might be giving people more reasons not to like us.โ€ Even if that risk is fair, he says, the reward is a nurturing relationship that can change us from within.

Martinez agrees and points out the importance of being with people who are supportive of us for who we are, not what we can do, have done, or who we know. This, she says, helps us start detangling our self-worth from external outcomes such as winning the approval of others.

4. Take a break from social media.

โ€œAn intense need to be liked typically links to someone feeling that the locus of control lies outside of themโ€”that they need others approval to be acceptable.โ€ Says Kennedy. โ€This is reinforced daily as Facebook members give thumbs up, hearts, and smiling faces.โ€

As studies are showing us, each time we receive a โ€œlikeโ€ย or other pseudo response of approval on social media, we experience aย spike in dopamine. This causesย us to keep chasingย the next โ€œhighโ€, much like an addiction.

Just as we manufacture the illusion of perfection on our social media pages, we mayย find ourselves doing the same in the real world. Once we start conforming and contorting ourselves in the quest for approval, according to Kennedy we begin to question whether others will like us if they knew who we really were.

Read The Unwanted and Often Unavoidable Damages Social Media Has In Our Lives

5. Remember that most of the time itโ€™s more about them than it is about you.

Barring some egregious behavior on our part, a great majority of the time, anotherโ€™s dislike of us is more of a reflection on them.ย If we see something in another person that we donโ€™t like about ourselves,ย we often project.

Projectionย is a defense that we all use to avoid facing the not-so-pretty parts of ourselves. It often explains what happens when someone meets us for the first time and immediately takes a dislike toย us or makes a snap judgment without getting to know us. Those who have higher self-esteem and feel more secure withย themselves tend to do this less.

As carefully as we may try to tiptoe through life in an effort not to offend, inevitably we willย fail.ย While we do have control over what comes out of our mouths and what we throw othersโ€™ way, how it lands on them is not in our control. Each person interprets the world through their own unique lenses and life experiences.

What may turn off one person may attract another. It is our intention that matters. How they choose to receive it is on them.

Overcoming The Need To Please
Overcoming The Need To Please

6. Creating a life worth living.

Imagine how much time we lose each moment we squash our authentic selves in an effort to be liked.

If we base our inherent worth on the fleeting opinions of others, we cheat ourselves of the power with which we were bornโ€“the powerย toย shape our experiences and embrace life and our brief time here withย compassionโ€”not only for othersย but also for ourselvesโ€”because ultimately, there is no difference.

Embrace the clichรฉ and love yourself. Itโ€™s highly doubtful that you will regret it.

If you want to know more about letting go of the need to please, then check this video out below:


Written by Allison Abrams
Originally Appeared In Huffpost
Ways Conquer Your Need To Please pin
How To Overcome The Need To Please pin

— Share —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

10 Subtle Signs Youโ€™re Secretly Becoming Your Best Self

Signs Youโ€™re Becoming Your Best Self

We always hear about green flags in relationships, but what about green flags in yourself? The truth is, youโ€™ve probably grown more than you realize. Itโ€™s easy to focus on what still needs work, but if youโ€™ve been showing up for yourselfโ€”whether in your mindset, habits, relationships, or careerโ€”youโ€™re already on the right track.

Becoming your best self isnโ€™t about waking up one day with everything figured out. Itโ€™s about the small shifts, the quiet wins, and the moments where you choose growth over comfort. So if youโ€™ve been wondering whether youโ€™re heading in the right direction, take this as a sign: Youโ€™re doing better than you think.

Ahead, weโ€™re diving into the green flags that prove youโ€™re stepping into your happiest, most authentic selfโ€”because real growth is happening, even if you donโ€™t see it yet.

Up Next

The Script is Yours: 7 Ways To Be The Leading Lady In Your Own Life

How To Be A Leading Lady Of Your Own Life? Best Ways

Every so often, a movie line sticks with you. In The Holiday, Iris (played by Kate Winslet) has a pivotal realization: โ€œYouโ€™re supposed to be the leading lady of your own life!โ€ This hits home for women in their 20s and 30s, a time when life can feel like a balancing act of dreams, relationships, and self-doubt. 

But what if you decided to step into the spotlight of your own story? Learn how to be the leading lady in your own life and reclaim center stage!

Up Next

How To Break The Habit Of People Pleasing?

Clear Signs Of People Pleasing And How To Stop It

Do you say โ€œyesโ€ to avoid conflict, but deep down, you feel drained? Recognize people pleasing behavior as itโ€™s time to set boundaries and reclaim your peace!

First we must care for ourselves. When we do, we can better care for others.

Key points

When we people-please, it creates a relationship that is not really honest.

We cannot meet everyone else’s needs.

When we become more OK with being ourselves, people will likely be drawn to us because we are being authentic.

Up Next

The Power of Solitude: Does It Lead To Inner Growth?

The Power Of Solitude Important Points

Learn the power of solitude as it gives you a chance to reconnect with yourself. And in these quiet moments, you can truly grow. So, let’s explore more!

Connect to your soul and quiet your busy mind.

Key points

We all need solitude and silence, and we all need social connection.

Solitude helps us put things into perspective and gain clarity.

Solitude can help us to not be reactionary and instead be responsive, open, and more flexible in our thinking.

Up Next

How Do We Practice Compassionate Communication?

Practicing Compassionate Communication Great Ways

What does it take to truly connect with others? Learn to practice compassionate communication in everyday life to ease their pain.

Five principles for compassionate communication.

Key points

Compassion can be thought of as an empathetic, conscious effort to relieve the suffering of another.

Mirror neurons allow us to experience one another in our minds.

Embrace an openness to thoughts and experiences that may challenge your usual way of doing things.

Up Next

Learn To Honor Your Feelings: Your Hard Week Mattersโ€”Even If Others Have It Worse

Learn To Honor Your Feelings Great Ways To Do It

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, even if others seem to have bigger struggles. Learn how to honor your feelings – they are valid, and you deserve acknowledgment!

How to honor your feelings without comparing them to othersโ€™ challenges.

Key points

Your emotions are valid no matter their scale or how they compare to othersโ€™ challenges.

Acknowledging your emotions builds your strength to support others with authenticity and genuine care.

Comparison of struggles creates a false hierarchy that undermines the importance of your own experience.

Research shows that acknowledging th

Up Next

Kind Words, Weird Feels: The Psychology of Compliments

Psychology of Compliments Ways Accept It Well

Receiving praise can feel tricky, but why are they so hard to accept? Dive into the fascinating psychology of compliments and discover how accepting it transforms confidence and connections.

Why we resist kind words and simple strategies to accept them fully.

Key points

Compliments can create discomfort when they clash with our self-perception and internal narratives.

Social conditioning often teaches us to deflect praise, making compliments feel unnatural or undeserved.

Embracing compliments boosts confidence, builds meaningful connections, and fosters personal growth.