Are you someone who is always working hard to fulfill everyone else’s wishes, but your own? Then here are a few reminders for a people pleaser!
People-pleasers “want everyone around them to be happy and they will do whatever is asked of them to” keep it that way, according to Dr. Susan Newman. “They put everyone else before themselves,” she said. For some, saying “yes” is a habit; for others, “it’s almost an addiction that makes them feel like they need to be needed.” This makes them feel important and like they’re “contributing to someone else’s life.”
People-pleasers yearn for outside validation. Their “personal feeling of security and self-confidence is based on getting the approval of others,” said Linda Tillman, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Atlanta, GA, and assertiveness expert. Thus, at the core, people-pleasers lack confidence, she said.
They worry about how others will view them when they say no. “People don’t want to be seen as lazy, uncaring, selfish, or totally egocentric,” Newman said. They fear “they’ll be disliked and cut from the group,” whether it’s friends, family, or co-workers.
9 Important Reminders For A People Pleaser
1. You aren’t responsible for other people’s emotions.
Whether you tend to do everything your partner wants, or you strive to make your co-workers like you, your people-pleasing efforts mean you’re taking on too much responsibility.
Everyone is in charge of his or her own emotions—and you can’t make anyone feel happy. It’s up to other people to cope with uncomfortable feelings like disappointment or anger. It’s not your job to protect them from those things.
2. People pleasers are easily manipulated.
You can often spot a people pleaser a mile away—and the more an individual says yes to requests, the more things are asked of her. People pleasers become easy targets. Someone may ask favors of them by saying things like, “I hate to ask you this, but…” or “I wouldn’t ask anyone else, but you’re such a good friend.”
Whether you feel guilted into doing something, or you feel honored that you’ve been entrusted with favor, you may be easily manipulated when others know that your primary goal is to please people.
Want to have some more reminders for a people pleaser? Read Being a People-Pleaser: Why It’s Dangerous and How to Stop
3. Every time you say yes to something or someone, you are unwittingly saying no to someone or something else at the same time.
That means all this time you spend trying to be a “yes” man or woman is totally bogus. So choose your “yeses” wisely. Your choices will always be unfavorable to some people.
4. Trying to please people drains your resources.
Trying to please everyone will rob you of mental strength. The more you think about whether someone is going to be upset, or how to phrase your decision in a way that isn’t offensive, the fewer resources you’ll have to devote to the decisions that matter most.
Worrying, ruminating, and rehashing conversations won’t help you get anywhere. If you spent that same time and energy being productive, you’d accomplish much more.
5. You cannot please everyone all of the time.
Seriously. You really can’t.
Want to know more about how you can stop being a people pleaser? Read 5 Lessons For People Pleasers
6. When you try to please everyone, you end up disappointing almost everyone, especially yourself.
Think about it. You say “yes” to 5 different things and as a result, you cannot possibly show up as the best possible version of yourself. How could you? You’re spread too thin! And then you probably end up late for something or some deadline, which makes you look flaky, causing you to be upset with yourself.
Listen to your instinct. It will never steer you wrong. Say no when you don’t want to say yes. It makes sense. It’s the stronger and wiser thing to do.