How To Find Strength Through Vulnerability In A Relationship


, ,
How Find Strength Through Vulnerability Relationship_

Showing your vulnerability is never easy, but when you do, it brings you closer to your partner and in a way strengthens your relationship. Here’s how vulnerability strengthens a relationship.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

Life is not all sunshine and rainbows. There will be dark clouds, storms and long unexpected stretches of darkness. This darkness can often completely engulf you and leave you in an inescapable pit, if you allow it.

That’s the thing with darkness. If you look for light to come and find you, the darkness will never let it happen. You have to banish this darkness with the light inside you. The brighter you shine, the weaker the darkness will get. The only way to get through hard times in life is to find the strength inside and push through them.

Of course, it will break you into pieces. But once you find your way out of the darkness you will rebuild yourself and become the strongest version of yourself. However, it can often be hard for us to share this darkness with the people we are closest with.

Showing your vulnerability is never easy. We are afraid of being judged.

Of being considered weak. So we face this darkness alone which often affects our relationships in an adverse way. But when you share your vulnerabilities with your partner, it can bring you closer than ever before and give the strength you need right now.

Read 4 Ways to Stay Connected During Life Transitions

The pit of darkness

“What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle.” – Rumi

A share like this is vulnerable to me. I’m not the type to seek personal support online. And yet I seek connection, more than support.

I was in a really dark place, about 10 days ago. Anxiety, panic, depression. A sense of the bottom torn out from under me. A hysterical undercurrent of – Would I live?

I’m undergoing a big transitional time in my life. Unwinding foundational pieces from the last 17 years. Ways of making a living. Financial security. Identity unraveling.

In this dark place, I felt ashamed to have forgotten things I knew, things about which I had written, upon having undergone a similar rupture several years ago when I left a 20-year marriage.

“Life’s cosmic forces are kicking your ass into the next part of your life.”

“Your soul [is saying], ‘No more. Something’s got to change.”

“In crises, we have the opportunity to grow and enter a new vision of life.”

In that rock bottom place 10 days ago, I had absolute amnesia. I couldn’t see the light. I felt trapped by my life’s circumstance, at least my perception of them.

Reading my own words helped. But what got me there first, was a voice within that said…

This is great – you can’t go much lower, only up.

Be present with the darkness, for in it, comes the light.

It can’t get any worse, only better.

And just remembering my access to my light, something shifted. I knew then — I did not have to divide against myself. I ceased self-judgments like – What’s wrong with me? How have I failed?

Read You Have to Love Yourself Before You Love Someone Else – Why It Won’t Work For You?

Shining bright in the darkness

“You need to spend time crawling alone through shadows to truly appreciate what it is to stand in the sun.” – Shaun Hick

From years of training, I knew I could make friends with fear and anxiety. In fact, I could commit to the truth of my experience of fear and anxiety. That meant residing in sensation, not story. I stopped thinking… and felt.

It hurt a lot.

But soon, the undercurrent of – Will I live? – lightened, and I came back home to myself. Over the next few days, the suffering began to diminish.

I share this because it is the core of my work — to relieve suffering in the world. To teach others how to turn the light back on in themselves. It’s the work of self-relationship.

And it sets the foundation for a fulfilling and energized partnership, which is what I teach. Two people cannot have such a relationship if shadow dominates one or both.

I waited several days before sharing this down cycle with my partner. In part, because I did not want to burden her. But more so, because I was aware that the down cycle was for me.

It was a gift, to be nourished, space for me to be with myself. A bone to suck the marrow out of. A way for me to be in strong, empowered, healthy self-relationship.

Over the years, I’ve gotten more efficient with fear, anxiety, and depression. Many years ago, this would have lasted weeks, even months.

A lot of people think if you’re coaching others you should be immune to this. The truth is, no one is. It’s just how skillfully we manage it.

Read How To Be Yourself, Find Your Tribe And Let Go Of Social Anxiety

Finding strength through a vulnerability in relationship

“The strongest love is the love that can demonstrate its fragility.” -Paulo Coelho

Some of us must go into our own poisons to bring back medicine for others. That’s been my path – to enter a deeper layer of poison and medicine.

When I did share with my partner a few days later, she was honored that I trusted her to be seen this way – down, weak, vulnerable. She said I was strong in being weak. I understood and appreciated her words.

“It just hurts,” I said. And in her arms, I felt hard feelings. Trusting the storm. Sensing the sky would clear.

My partner and I often say to one another things like…

“I trust you to take care of yourself.
That makes me safer with you.
That deepens my trust with you.
I trust you to not disconnect from me when you disconnect from yourself.”

And this speaks to one of the greatest challenges I see in relationships. Partners disconnect from one another when things get tough. When they are going through hard times. Going it alone, weak, annoyed, even angry.

And in those moments, they lose one another. If only they knew that staying connected would deepen trust.

Staying connected starts withholding one’s self, not dividing with self. This is Sovereignty. This is a healthy, responsible self-relationship. It is the most powerful foundation for solid partnerships.

If I’m not connected to me, I can’t be connected to you.

I am grateful I came out of my dark spell. And yet I have no illusions it’s the last of it. But every day, my light grows brighter.

For a quick sovereign practice, check out below.

Read 10 Signs To Know That You Are Being True To Yourself

SOVEREIGN PRACTICE: Befriending Fear to Not Self-Divide

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.” – Brene Brown

Take a moment alone. Sit somewhere quiet. Take a deep breath.

When you’re ready, think about something in your life right now that you fear. Maybe it’s money or a relationship. Maybe it’s about a lack of or a not having. Feel it for a moment. Notice what happens to you.

Do you judge yourself?
Do you leave yourself?
In this space, could you be available for your partner or a friend?

Now take a breath. Leave thoughts and stories and feel the physical sensations. Feel the sensation of fear as a shape, a color even. Now breathe through sensation – from head to groin and back up, and again, and again. Take five deep breaths this way. Notice what happens.

A calming maybe. A place to get back to yourself. Stay with that. Come home to yourself.

Note: If when doing this, greater fear comes up, even terror, then take time away and try again another time, when and if ready.

Here’s an interesting video that will shed some more light on the power of vulnerability:

Emerge, don’t drown

“There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all lights.” – Bram Stoker

Darkness can be scary. Especially when you are stuck in this dark place without any hope of ever getting out. But that’s exactly when you need to look deep inside and find the light that makes you, you.

You have to find the strength to stand up when you most need to. You have to allow your partner to step into that darkness and guide you towards the light.

You need to accept all the love you receive from your partner and ignite the light inside and shine your brightest.

That is how you fight the darkness. That is how you get stronger. That is how you strengthen your relationship.

Written by Stuart Motola
Originally appeared in Stuart Motola
Republished with permission

Finding Light In Darkness: How Vulnerability Strengthens Relationships
How Vulnerability Strengthens Relationships
Find Strength Through Vulnerability Relationship Pin

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Up Next

8 Questions To Ask Yourself If You Want To Avoid Marrying The Wrong Person

Marrying The Wrong Person? Important Questions To Ask

Picture this: you’re standing at the altar, surrounded by beaming friends and family, moments away from saying “I do” to the person who you thought was your soulmate and the love of your life. But deep down, you can’t ignore the nagging feeling that something doesn’t feel right. Could it be possible that you’re marrying the wrong person?

The fear of marrying the wrong person lingers in the hearts of many, and it’s a fear worth exploring, because this is your life we are talking about. In this article, we’ll dive into eight essential questions that you should ask yourself before taking that leap into forever.

So, grab a cup of coffee, get comfortable, and let’s unravel how to avoid marrying the wrong person.

Up Next

63 Conversation Starters For Deep Dialogues With Your Partner

Conversation Starters For Deep Dialogues With Your Partner

Why conversation starters? Over time conversations with your partner might begin to feel shallow and focused more on the daily grind than topics that actually matter. This is normal. It’s probably not a dangerous red flag that your relationship is about to end, but it is likely unsatisfying and monotonous.

It’s quite easy to reignite the spark with your partner by enjoying deeper and more meaningful conversations just by becoming more intentional in carving out time to talk.

We all know that communication is key to a healthy relationship, but let’s be honest; talking about what’s for dinner or whose turn it is to walk the dog just won’t cut it.

If you’re yearning for a deeper connection, it’s worth dedicating ten to fifteen minutes a day to one of the most important people in your life.

Up Next

When You Outgrow Love: What Is Grey Divorce And How To Thrive After

What Is Grey Divorce and How to Redefine Your Story

Divorce is never an easy decision to make. But sometimes life happens and you have to do the unimaginable. Grey divorce is one such experience that can feel like an unthinkable decision, yet, you know you just need to take the step. But what is grey divorce?

In life, at a certain stage we may feel that it is absolutely crucial that we start over, not only to survive but also to thrive. It becomes necessary that we step into the unknown regardless how scary or irrational it may sound. And the same goes for a marriage. 

Even if you may have shared a lifetime together and created lasting memories and experiences, a divorce may be the only option left for a happier, healthier and better life. That’s the reality for an increasing number of couples who find themselves in the realm of “grey divorce.” 

Up Next

What Does Being Submissive Mean? 9 Warning Signs You Might Be A Meek, Submissive Woman

What Does Being Submissive Mean? Signs Of A Meek Woman

Ever wondered, “What does being submissive mean?” Well, let’s put it this way: it’s like constantly being in the backseat of your life’s car, letting others take the wheel while you navigate the road of existence.

For example, meet Jess. She’s that friend who’s always putting everyone else’s happiness and needs before her own, and she often finds herself getting involved in abusive and unhealthy relationships.

If you relate to Jess and the ways she lives life, then you might be in for a very rude reality check. Because this points to the realm of female submissiveness. Stick around as we uncover nine warning signs that scream, “Hey, you might be more like Jess than you think!”


Up Next

9 Tactics To Trigger The Hero Instinct In A Man

Hero Instinct In A Man: Ways To Trigger Their Inner Hero

Do you know there’s a hero instinct in every man? If you want to unlock that side of your man then you have come to the right place. Today, we are going to talk about how to trigger the hero instinct in a man, and do it the right way.

From understanding their innate drive to protect and provide, to unraveling the mysteries of their emotional landscape, we will explore what is the hero instinct, and what does hero instinct in relationships look like.

So, ready to know more about this side to men? Let’s go then.

Related: How To Make Your Man Happy: 25+ Last Minute Gift Ideas For Him

Up Next

Lost Connection: How To Heal From Emotional Neglect In Marriage And Find Hope

How To Heal From Emotional Neglect In Marriage: Tips

Do you know why some marriages appear to be thriving while others seem to be crumbling? What is it that creates such distance among spouses? While there can be various reasons behind marital distress, one often overlooked but significant factor is emotional neglect in marriage.

Emotional neglect can quietly erode the foundation of a relationship, leaving both partners feeling lonely, disconnected, and unfulfilled. Let us delve into the depths of emotional neglect in marriage, exploring what actually is, signs, underlying causes, and most importantly, how to heal and nurture a healthier emotional connection with your spouse.

What is Emotional Neglect in Marriage?

Emotional neglect in marriage refers to a pat

Up Next

6 Minutes To Improve Your Relationship: How To Have Better Communication With Your Partner

Minutes To Improve Your Relationship?

If you are thinking about how to improve your relationship, then you have come to the right place. How to better communicate with your partner? Communication is crucial to building a healthy relationship, and this article is going to talk about that. Let’s explore how to have better communication with your partner.


The three keys to communication are speaking openly, listening empathically, and reflecting back.

We usually skip reflection, so the speaker does not know if they have been heard.

A simple practice of reflection can build this skill.

Does your par