Toxic Relationship Recovery: Using the Gray Rock Method (Safely)

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Toxic Relationship Recovery: Using the Gray Rock Method (Safely)

The Gray Rock Method can be a very effective way to handle a narcissist who you have to still interact with on a regular basis. Communicating with a narcissist can be incredibly frustrating, especially when it matters that they comprehend what you’re saying.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt exasperated when trying to have simple conversations with narcs who have become agitated and who are actively gaslighting

Gray Rock method explained

They will be thicker than concrete walls, intentionally trying to misunderstand you and assume the worst of you, in every single word. You find yourself feeling hopeless like you’re unable to make your point – and if you’re like me, it’s especially frustrating because you probably have no problem communicating with literally everyone else in your life.

Related: The Honest Truth About Life After A Toxic Relationship

I mean – honestly, this has happened to me more times than I can count during conversations with narcissists – and I am a writer who communicates for a living.

So awhile back, I wrote this post about the only way to effectively communicate with a narcissist, and in my experience, it’s the truth. In the post, I mentioned the Gray Rock Method, so I thought I’d offer a bit of background and explanation of where it came from.

Who invented the “Gray Rock” Method?

As far as I can tell in my research, the “Gray Rock” method was so named by a person named Skylar in this post, written in 2012.

In part, Skylar says the gray rock method is, “primarily a way of encouraging a narcissist, psychopath, stalker or other emotionally unbalanced people, to lose interest in you.”

Related: Why The Girls With The Best Hearts Find Themselves In Toxic Relationships

How does the Gray Rock Method differ from the No-Contact rule?

Skylar says that the difference is “you don’t blatantly try to avoid contact with the disordered individual.”

Instead, she advises, “you allow contact but only gives boring, monotonous responses so that the mentally-unwell person must go elsewhere to get their need for drama gratified.”

Skylar adds: ” One might say that Gray Rock is a way of breaking up with a psychopath by using the old, ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ excuse, except that you act it out instead of saying it and the psychopath comes to that conclusion on his own.”

Why does the Gray Rock Method work?

According to Skylar: “There are gray rocks and pebbles everywhere you go, but you never notice them. None of them attract your attention. You don’t remember any specific rock you saw today because they blend with the scenery. That is the type of boring that you want to channel when you are dealing with a psychopath. Your boring persona will camouflage you and the psychopath won’t even notice you were there. This method strikes at the heart of the psychopath’s motivation: to avoid boredom.”

What are the most important components of successfully using the Gray Rock Method?

Rule number one when it comes to practicing the Gray Rock Method is to never tell the narcissist you’re doing so. If you do, he’ll definitely figure out a way to use it against you.

Never ask questions of the narcissist and don’t offer any “committal” responses – just say things like “hmm” or “mhmm” – keep it casual.

If possible, discuss only “safe” topics, such as the news, social media – fashion, cooking, etc. Nothing that would be personal – even if the narc begs you for it. Drama free is the way to be!

Related: The Aftermath Of A Relationship With A Narcissist

Try to be distracted during the conversation so that you don’t have to directly look the narcissist in the eye the whole time. Make it something simple like doodling in a notebook or checking your text messages, or something more complicated such as knitting a scarf or working on a document for work. If you focus a bit more on your activity, you won’t be as directly affected by the narcissist’s attempts to manipulate you during the conversation.

Most importantly during this practice, keep your head in the game and don’t allow the narcissist to get inside your head. Narcs are expert “guilt-trippers” and have no qualms about making you “feel bad” so that you’ll try to justify or defend your intentions – don’t fall into the trap.

What else should I consider before I try the Gray Rock Method?

One important thing to know about the Gray Rock Method is that there is a level at which it can become unsafe for you psychologically – and that’s when you begin to experience symptoms of dissociation.

A lot of people don’t realize that these two are connected, but here’s what happens.

When you learn to use this method and you find out how effective it can be when it comes to dealing with your narcissist, you may find that it is a great way to deal with EVERYTHING that is an issue in your life.

Related: Why Romance Turns Toxic: The Psychology Behind Love & Relationships

The problem with this is that you begin to truly stop caring – and your ability to feel your own emotions diminishes. This is a major issue because you don’t just stop feeling pain and anxiety – you stop feeling the good stuff too.

If you think you’re dissociating, it’s time to take further action to deal with your narcissist – you can start here, with this resource page.

Now it’s your turn – have you ever used the Gray Rock Method? How did it work for you, and what tips would you offer for someone who’s trying it for the first time? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.


Written By Angela Atkinson
Originally Published On Queenbeeing.com

How to Use the Gray Rock Method (Safely) In Dealing With Toxic Relationships
Toxic Relationship Recovery Using Gray Rock Method Pin
Toxic Relationship Recovery: Using the Gray Rock Method (Safely)

One response to “Toxic Relationship Recovery: Using the Gray Rock Method (Safely)”

  1. Mbongeni Masilela Avatar

    i will try this, unfortunately over the phone i really defended myself and tried to explain to them, i guess i can still turn things around in my favour.

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