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How to Use the Gray Rock Method (Safely) In Dealing With Toxic Relationships

How to Use the Gray Rock Method (Safely) In Dealing With Toxic Relationships

The Gray Rock Method can be a very effective way to handle a narcissist who you have to still interact with on a regular basis.

Communicating with a narcissist can be incredibly frustrating, especially when it matters that they comprehend what you’re saying. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt exasperated when trying to have simple conversations with narcs who have become agitated and who are actively gaslighting. 

Gray Rock method explained

They will be thicker than concrete walls, intentionally trying to misunderstand you and assume the worst of you, in every single word. You find yourself feeling hopeless like you’re unable to make your point – and if you’re like me, it’s especially frustrating because you probably have no problem communicating with literally everyone else in your life.

I mean – honestly, this has happened to me more times than I can count during conversations with narcissists – and I am a writer who communicates for a living.

So awhile back, I wrote this post about the only way to effectively communicate with a narcissist, and in my experience, it’s the truth. In the post, I mentioned the Gray Rock Method, so I thought I’d offer a bit of background and explanation of where it came from.

Who invented the “Gray Rock” Method?

As far as I can tell in my research, the “Gray Rock” method was so named by a person named Skylar in this p0st, written in 2012.

In part, Skylar says the gray rock method is, “primarily a way of encouraging a narcissist, psychopath, stalker or other emotionally unbalanced person, to lose interest in you.”

 

How does the Gray Rock Method differ from the No-Contact rule?

Skylar says that the difference is “you don’t blatantly try to avoid contact with the disordered individual.”

Instead, she advises, you allow contact but only gives boring, monotonous responses so that the mentally-unwell person must go elsewhere to get their need for drama gratified.”

Skylar adds:  One might say that Gray Rock is a way of breaking up with a psychopath by using the old, ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ excuse, except that you act it out instead of saying it and the psychopath comes to that conclusion on his own.”

 

Why does the Gray Rock Method work?

According to Skylar: “There are gray rocks and pebbles everywhere you go, but you never notice them. None of them attract your attention. You don’t remember any specific rock you saw today because they blend with the scenery. That is the type of boring that you want to channel when you are dealing with a psychopath. Your boring persona will camouflage you and the psychopath won’t even notice you were there. This method strikes at the heart of the psychopath’s motivation: to avoid boredom.”

What are the most important components of successfully using the Gray Rock Method?

  • Rule number one when it comes to practicing the Gray Rock Method is to never tell the narcissist you’re doing so. If you do, he’ll definitely figure out a way to use it against you.
  • Never ask questions of the narcissist and don’t offer any “committal” responses – just say things like “hmm” or “mhmm” – keep it casual.
  • If possible, discuss only “safe” topics, such as the news, social media – fashion, cooking, etc. Nothing that would be personal – even if the narc begs you for it. Drama free is the way to be!
  • Try to be distracted during the conversation so that you don’t have to directly look the narcissist in the eye the whole time. Make it something simple like doodling in a notebook or checking your text messages, or something more complicated such as knitting a scarf or working on a document for work. If you focus a bit more on your activity, you won’t be as directly affected by the narcissist’s attempts to manipulate you during the conversation.
  • Most importantly during this practice, keep your head in the game and don’t allow the narcissist to get inside your head. Narcs are expert “guilt-trippers” and have no qualms about making you “feel bad” so that you’ll try to justify or defend your intentions – don’t fall into the trap.

 

What else should I consider before I try the Gray Rock Method?

One important thing to know about the Gray Rock Method is that there is a level at which it can become unsafe for you psychologically – and that’s when you begin to experience symptoms of dissociation.

Written by Angie Atkinson

Angela Atkinson founded BlissFire Media in 2013 after spending eight years working as a freelance writer, editor, and social media expert. During that time, she also developed her skills as a website designer, marketer, and other related disciplines.

Atkinson‘s online publishing resume is vast and varied. Her non-fiction book, The Practical Freelance Writer’s Guide to Author Websites, was released September 2010.

She has several years’ experience in online journalism, including hard reporting as well as functioning as editor-in-chief of several client-owned publications over the years. She also wrote features and other news as well as managing and maintaining the connected communities.

Atkinson’s experience also includes copywriting, web writing, search engine optimization (SEO) and SEO content, blogging, marketing and social media marketing.

She also has extensive experience with website design, specializing in WordPress-based sites, such as this one. Additionally, she is credited with creating, building and launching more than 20 websites as well as more than 100 for clients over the years.

She has successfully managed and co-managed several of her own interactive news sites and blogs, as well as she co-owned. She has collaborated on several other books and is the author of On Creating Personal Change.[/learn_more]

Professional Affiliations

Atkinson is a member of the Society of Professional Journalists, including the St. Louis Pro Chapter and the national organization. She is also a member of the St. Louis Writers Guild, the National Education Writers Association, and the Freelancers Union. She studied journalism at Eastern Illinois University and lives blissfully in St. Louis, Missouri with her husband and three children.

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