When you want to overcome expectations from others, sometimes all you need to do is look within yourself, know yourself, and most importantly understand who you are.
A short soul reading for a joyful and more fulfilling relationship with ourselves, and others. The fire and ice, the wonderful inner journey of life.
In this journey, I can understand the following and, on this occasion, not as the observer of myself, but the observer of the “whole”. If we possess the tools and dispose of the correct use of them, we learn how to handle them properly and we can coordinate. This is like when we dispose of how to operate an industrial tool or handle the equipment.
No matter how much we aim to facilitate our work, if we do not possess the knowledge on how to use it correctly and properly, we can easily lose an arm, our legs, or even die. Our abilities are the same. We discover them, but we do not know what to do with them. Or, even worse, we use them incorrectly.
Discovering and accepting our true self
To know who we are, first, we have to discover our fears, the feelings that lead our behaviors. In the same way, we put up resistance and barriers to become. Everyone has a healthy picture of who they are, but they are still not able to accept that. From this to there, will form the “who I am not”, which is just our inability to accept who we are, to embrace the perfect picture created of ourselves.
Hence, this picture is just an illusion, the process of discovering who we are, as simple as this is, is more difficult through “who we are not”. The first thought people have when hearing about “who I am not” is a comparison; that we have to compare ourselves with others, being unaware. Ergo, by doing so, we judge. If we judge, one day we will have to face the same problem, as we have to experience what we judged.
As what we do not understand attempts to reveal itself, it challenges the universal powers to teach us and make us understand, unconsciously and unwilling. Not to mention, we lose our aim and self-knowledge. The more experience we gain from what we cannot understand, no teaching will be drowned as we do not understand the intention of the experiences. To know what we are not, we have to identify with our superego, the higher and the divine self.
I cannot persuade others to do certain things unless they are open to it. However, in the meantime, it is completely useless to think about it. If I see the beauty, I cannot choose to have a nervous breakdown because I was unsuccessful, that I was unable to make others understand the beauty, when I was trying to share the joy.
It started a debate and I became my dark self. I cannot force anyone to possess love or understanding; it is a self-worth and self-competence task. Everyone has to grow up for this by themselves. Going forward, we are only responsible for the things we can change. Everything we can change will be a success in our life; it is our approach to our future life.
As a result, therefore, we develop our approach towards ourselves. Discipline, educate, raise and grow ourselves. But if I set impossible targets and I see them as my personal tools towards achieving my goals as mentioned above, I truncate this approach. I will have already mutilated my attitude to life, regardless of my further intentions, thoughts, and acts. Basically, my attitude to life was genuinely mutilated by myself.
Defining our goals
Bad planning may cause plenty of problems, but a bad path as a leading tool towards my goals can be a complete disaster! The impossible outsider called the bad goal. A bad goal may ruin us only because it transforms into the mood, to a way of being and it is normal to work like this, as our goal is our journey. You may now ask: “Then, how is that?”
It is like this in the case of the realization of our greatest goals, in which we become our goal; it is no longer something we wish to reach. It is something that we become; the process to become what we are. The realization of our greatest goals is self-accomplishment, to be consummate and more loving within and in what we do. So, there is nothing to worry about.
For this reason, it is very important to ask ourselves: What were my thoughts today? What did I say and do today? How about yesterday and every day over the years, did it not become my target towards my goal without being aware of it? Did it not become an unconscious goal or my goal unconsciously?
As we know, only to remind you, our path is our goal. So, if our path is an unconscious one, fulfilled with self-sorrow, anger, anxiety, rushing around, and having a feeling that we will never arrive, all those actions and non-actions related to others, become our unconscious goal unwittingly. Everyone’s goal is entire and flawless, but the tools are not definite, which cannot serve the purpose. That is why we cannot succeed because we are unable to convince ourselves of the possibility to achieve.
Even so, it reveals their true being, we still stay attached to our old embedded unconscious habits, meanwhile condemning ourselves. We have to wake up and ask ourselves: By chance, did my path not become my unconscious goal and my life unconsciously purposeless? Did my journey become an unmanageable goal and my life unconsciously uncontrollable? My way of life did not become an unconscious life, and my unconscious life did not become my unconscious goal, and my whole life purposeless?
A lifestyle without awareness is purposelessly wandering along the seemingly infinite path of life, a deliberate unconscious migration.
Because everything we think, our monologue and our inner dialog, extends to and affects our vocation. The vocation is transformed into our life conduct; we have to live in our small cage, whilst life is without boundaries. Since the desire-body is nourished by my goals, if I want to feed this desire-body with impossible goals, it will transform into a pain-body, which is desirable for all diseases and for all physical transformations toward malformations.
Staying in touch with our valence and keeping our expectations real
A wrong habit is one of our biggest mistakes. Namely, we expect love from people, we expect people to say what we want to hear, to carry out acts that prove love. All this is to be able to feel. Feel what? We are so addicted to bad feelings, we do not even know what exactly it is that we want to feel. What is the feeling that we acquire? We keep asking the outer world to give us a feeling of happiness, and meanwhile, we feed our body with the feeling of a lack of love.
As I mentioned earlier, everything has duality, even one thing may be dual. In fact, it is anyway, just as a train track. It runs the same train but the railways never meet. Seems similar but, sometimes, one side cuts corners. We can identify ourselves with the railway, expecting that two parallel train tracks, one day, will meet, as what we call reality is shown to us.
We can even see it being the truth with our eyes, or I can identify them as a path, a leading way to my goals. In this case, if one side cuts corners and the other railway follows to change direction, I will not be afraid; I know that is what happens to arrive at the desired destination. An expectation is like this, which itself is a tool. How I use it is important.
I can expect to have a good job, a dream car, a wonderful partner, good relationships, health, wealth, and so on. It is wonderful for us all to achieve it. Many people expect but are impatient. They keep asking where the desired object is or do not realize or recognize it when they get it.
For example, a partner in our lives. They are there, and one day we’ll notice them packing their belongings, and we ask ourselves: Why? Or we fall in love, thinking it will be eternal but, after a while, when we hear or see something wrong with the partner, we ask: “Where is the person I met a long time ago?”
So, if we expect, we have to realize its significance when we get it. We have to be conscious of why we wanted it before we got it, and this applies to everything. Or more precisely, not to forget why it is in our lives. Because, if we are not conscious, when we get it, we will not know what to do with it. It can even ruin us. Because, genuinely, we did not even know why it should take a place in our life and, going forward, “What they are looking for in our lives?” as a result of incoherent and contradictory thoughts.
It has major importance and it is highly significant to understand what we want for what we want. If it is partial, then it will only serve to teach us what to want, and that road can be very painful if we do not learn after several tries, trying to make us conscious to become definite. Our feelings help us discover a definite purpose and goal. But let’s not forget that we are the ones who control our feelings, the feelings do not control us.
We cannot say my feelings changed because of others, because, if your feelings changed because of someone else, you did not know what you wanted in the first place. It wasn’t definite. We cannot use people as tools for our happiness. For instance, we can become addicted to it and, in the absence thereof, there will be nothing to hold on to. Just imagine how tragic it is to expect love from others instead of ourselves being the love. Our healthy self-confidence is nothing more than the love we possess inside. Due to the lack of that, we convulsively cling and get attached to it.
Due to our embedded habits, many people can trap others into bondage, enslave others, and put them in cages; even fussing over the fact that they are not loved, as you do not love me enough! Through this psychological influencing, others are forced to prove their love by acts. Regardless of how much they do so, the feeling does not go away and the lack stays because it does not recognize the love.
There are also people who, in defense, say, “Leave me, if you don’t like who I am.” It could be very hurtful and self-confidence destroying if we expect it from others, unless we are not in love. However, only those who are enslaved expect love from others; they will only be slaves who expect love from others. In the pain of offense, the other person is reflected in us and our desire-body is transformed into our pain-body within seconds.
In the nakedness of pain, it cannot serve us with the love within us as a mirror for the outer world. Thus, this love would be inside us in vain. It cannot serve us our love as it is aimed to be given, and as we give it away, we want other love instead of the given one. So, if I expect love from others, I will depend on them. If I depend on them, I will enslave myself and maybe others will use my dependency to manipulate me. It is equal to being enslaved.
The one who is responsible for such circumstances is me. Give love as it is aimed to be given, but do not expect it in return, because if you do, and your focus is on the other. It can cause you very unpleasant circumstances. The root of jealousy, envy, and anger. Since love is a waited achievement, the bad circumstances just want to reveal, through pain, where to look for it.
They point to the place where we can find it; where it hurts the most. People suffer because no feedback was received in response to their love, so it voluntarily overtakes what comes to them. The choice has been made, but it is not necessary to stick to a wrongful decision. But, if you do so, drop the perseverance, then you will not have to suffer and rely on your love and faith within without expecting anything. So, the creation may create.
If, say, we have a wonderful morning, a sunny summer morning with a soft breeze, I must have lived such joyful mornings. This sunny morning was already inside me, and I just realized it. Love is similar to that; I cannot realize it if I do not have it; I will not see the pretty nice morning either. I cannot love if I am not love, I cannot receive love if it is not within me because, if it is not there, I cannot recognize it.
If it is there and I am, then I can receive, accept, hold, understand or let it go, even in hard circumstances. If love is within me, I am the love itself. I will consider a gloomy, rainy autumn day as wonderful. This is love! So, don’t give your love, give love from your endless love, and you will never have to expect love.
A path to divine understanding
If I expect from a spiritual perspective, I am open to everything for the purpose of growing spiritually, to experience more beauty. This kind of expectation not only favors spiritual development, but my material and substantial needs are also supported. You live your feelings bravely, you live pain, so as love, you can take responsibility, bravely face yourself, and easily forgive yourself and others.
You are not afraid of vulnerability, since you know that life is complete when feelings freely flow in our souls. Then, if someone steps out of your life, you know why it hurts. If it hurts, you know we can change nobody. But, we cannot forcibly bring love into someone’s soul, and moreover, you know that everybody has their own way towards development, and they can freely decide about it.
You can embrace your mistakes, you can forgive your faults and you can see the other person through the same clear sight filter.
Péter Müller, a Hungarian writer and one of the best-known figures in spiritual literature in Hungary, formulated very neatly, “Spread around you the love! The warmth of love. Even though nobody is there. At least you are in that warmth, not in the ice-cold, negligent stolid world. Even though this warmth diffuses only from you. Maybe they gather around you.”
Yes, we all desire love. But I am sure that, if we are love, if this warmth radiates from us, many cold, shivering people will be warmed. It is not necessary to wait for people to come and expect to be fed this love. Fire may melt and shape iron, turning the solid into liquid, without a struggle or much effort.
Burn the pain and be the water
Be like fire with your pains. Burn them to ashes, regardless of how big and rugged your trunk is, how gnarled and twigged it is. It takes time to set a fire. It starts to burn slowly, but when the flames grow, it burns everything, leaving behind only the dust. It becomes shapeless, and it is impossible to recognize it’s origin because it will come to naught.
In contrast, be like water, be what you are: flexible and adaptive. By that, I do not mean compromise or do something that is not you; I do not mean sabotage your virtue. Because, on this path, if you burn the root of your pains with this inner fire, the crown also dies with it.
It will not bear rotten fruit anymore because of the deterioration; no rotten fruit is produced. These will be the new seeds that you plant, simultaneously, by burning your pains and being flexible. Being like water, however, is your guarantee and the everyday proof of life that you understood life itself. You understood yourself and accepted others; detached from everything, attached to nothing, and at one with everything.
“Be like water, making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.” – Bruce Lee
Problems are lifted off your shoulders because you experienced the difference. That tenseness is only created when the results do not meet the expectations or the world is not how we want it. If the results are not as we expected from ourselves, then we can develop to meet our expectations, and the world has to be colorful in order to discover.
You will not expect unreal things from yourself or from others. You can hear your higher-self, listen to the monition of your spiritual being, and you do not ask for the impossible. You accept the warning, you choose the conscious instead of unconscious. You are responsible for everything you think, for yourself, because you grasped the reasons toward intentions. You are love.
A giant cube has no corners, Tao teaches.
Therefore, the road of light seems to be dark, the road leading forward seems to lead backward instead. The silky road seems to be bumpy, as the whitestone seems to be smeared. The high virtue seems to be less, and the strengthening of virtue seems to weaken. But, whoever understands that the mind and spirit gain consciousness only through unity, will understand that contrasts are only illusions of our lives.
Without the unified vision of the opposites, there is no consciousness. Thus, fire becomes water, fire is water and water is fire itself.