Are Unintentional Bullies In Your Family Wrecking Your Life?

 / 

,
Unintentional Bullies Family Wrecking Life

Sometimes your loved ones think that they can run your life better than you and that they will always know what’s best for you, more than you ever will. Even if the sentiments are right, sometimes they end up as unintentional bullies who stop you from doing what you want to do in life. For example, if you know scapegoating, you will understand why family scapegoats become lifelong victims, of family bullying and toxicity.

We’ve all been there. Whether it’s a business we’re excited to start or a relationship we know must end, we finally have clarity about some major element in our lives and we reach a point where the possibilities after the change excite us more than our fear of the change itself.

So we start telling friends and family our grand plans genuinely expecting to hear things like, “I know you can do it” and “I’ve been waiting for you to see your own worth!”

Instead, some of the people we trusted to have our backs surprise us with messages like “I don’t think you have the right background,” or “do you have any idea how hard this is going to be?!”

Let me introduce you to, what I like to call, the “unintentional bullies” in your life. They don’t mean to hurt you, in fact, they think they’re being helpful but you walk away feeling beaten down and doubtful after talking to them, then struggle to have faith in yourself, your dream, and especially your Truth (with a capital T).

These conversations also make you a lot less likely to seek support from them or anyone else during a time that you really need it the most. There is hope, however, and luckily for both of you, a little understanding goes a long way.

3 Types of Unintentional Bullies You May Know

1. The Nurturer

Often, the people who love you the most are the ones closest to home. It can be as obvious as your mother or anyone who has played a care-taking role in your life.

The most important element in this relationship is that they’ve invested themselves in you. They’ve helped you grow, and they’ve been there for you through thick and thin.

They love you so deeply that they just don’t want to see any harm come to you. In their efforts to shelter you they try to talk you out of your own instincts and dreams. They say things like, “Keep the ‘safe’ job; your vision is too risky,” or “You can’t move to a vineyard in Spain on a whim; you’ll have to start all over!”

The Nurturer easily recalls past trials and quickly envisions all of the potential obstacles. She prioritizes safety over fulfillment.

2. The Expert

Thank goodness there are people who’ve gone before us in all life’s endeavors. Sometimes there is that person, who in all fairness, has a helpful breadth of knowledge and experience but who sees a singular blueprint for building a life and misguidedly discounts your own development.

They are constantly telling you how they did it and when you act independently of their advice, The Expert cannot understand why you didn’t “listen” to them.

The Expert doesn’t want to fix it unless it’s broken. She sees any differing choice as a waste of time reinventing the wheel and prioritizes efficiency over growth.

Related: Why Highly Sensitive People Get Bullied In Life

3. The Taskmaster

There are also people who wholeheartedly embrace your vision so fervently that they make you feel like you’re not moving quickly enough.

They’re excited that you have a direction and a passion for something and you soon find them hanging over you with a To-Do list in one hand and a whip in the other. They cannot understand why you’re deliberating, processing, meditating and conversing when you should just be doing, doing, doing.

The Taskmaster sees life as a series of “to-dos.” He’s flummoxed by the “to be” or “I am.” They’re a suck-it-up-and-get-on-with-it kind of person who prioritizes circumstantial results over organic process.

There are two characteristics all unintentional bullies share: They each believe in a singular “right” way to live life. It is difficult for them to see other “right” ways. And they want the best for you.

So, how do you deal with these unintentional bullies? Well, I’ve created some dos and don’ts that might make it just a bit easier.

Don’t:

1. Don’t try to educate them.

Their frame of reference comes from their life experience, and they’re much more concerned that you’re not hearing them than they are that they might be misinformed.

2. Don’t discount their advice.

They’re probably quite right in a lot of ways and offer a unique view of you and your choices that you cannot see on your own. Be thankful they have the courage, to be honest with you.

3. Don’t walk away mad.

Part of their insistence is a fear that they’re losing a connection with you. Giving up on the conversation feels like you’re giving up on them and may only make them push you harder.

4. Don’t let them talk you out of your Truth.

You’re being guided to do your best work in life. These are often hard, misunderstood decisions. Do not wait for your unintentional bullies to get it. The only person who really has to get it is you.

Related: How Family Scapegoats Become Lifelong Victims

Do:

1. Let them know they’ve been heard.

Often they feel like you’re just misinformed or naïve. Repeat back to them what they’ve said so they know that you take their input seriously.

2. Point out where their choices were good for them.

People feel invalidated when you say you’re making a different choice from the one they made for themselves. They’re afraid you’re telling them they did something wrong (otherwise you’d be doing exactly what they tell you to do). Showing them that you can see the benefit of their choices in the context of their lives calms their defensive position.

3. Do set healthy boundaries.

It’s OK to remind them that just because you’re not following their advice doesn’t mean you haven’t listened to them. If you need to set a rule that the subject is off-limits, that’s fine too. Just make sure that you’re consciously working on the relationship in other ways. These people are incredibly valuable to your well-being. Treat them that way.

Above all … let them know they’re still cherished. Remember, they’ve invested so much in you. While they’re not necessarily looking for a return on investment, it sure helps to spell out to them exactly why they’re loved and valued in your life. Love is always stronger than fear and it will go a long way toward keeping and healing the relationships that mean the most to you.


Written by Triffany Hammond
Originally appeared on Yourtango
Printed with permission from the author
How to Deal With Unintentional Bullies Who Think They Can Run Your Life Better Than You
Unintentional Bullies Family Wrecking Life Pin
Are Unintentional Bullies In Your Family Wrecking Your Life?

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply



Up Next

Flying Monkeys: The Narcissist’s Secret Weapons

Flying Monkeys: The Narcissist’s Secret Weapons

Have you ever heard of the term “flying monkeys” or “flying monkeys of the narcissist”? Who are they and what do they do exactly? This article is going to explore everything about who flying monkeys are and what role they play in narcissistic abuse.

‘Flying Monkey’ is the term given to those agents and allies that collude with an abusive person. Their role is to continue carrying out tormenting the victim on their behalf.

If it’s during the relationship, the abuser gets to abuse by proxy as it’s other people that are getting their hands dirty.

If it’s after the relationship has ended or you’ve left that job or left that area, it’s a way of perpetuating the abuse. Again though, the abusers hands are clean as others are doing the work for them.

<



Up Next

4 Warning Signs Of A Toxic Leader

Warning Signs Of A Toxic Leader

Have you ever worked with a toxic boss or toxic leader? If you have, then you know how horrible and malicious they really are, and if you haven’t, then read on to know the signs of a toxic leader so that it’s easier for you to understand what you are dealing with.

KEY POINTS

Poor, toxic leaders demand unquestioning loyalty and service to the leader.

Bad leaders rule by a sense of fear, both of outsiders and of the leader’s wrath.

Good leadership empowers followers, shows concern for them, and benefits the collective.

All too often, people fall prey to self-serving



Up Next

Eggshell Parenting Meaning: 5 Signs You’re Making These Mistakes!

Eggshell Parenting: Signs You're Making These Mistakes!

Parenting is one of the most sincere tasks in every individual’s life that should be done with utmost care and coherence. However, the relationship between parents and their children is often tampered by the mental, and behavioral issues of the parents.

Thus, mood disorders and the violent nature of parents can affect the child’s life. Eggshell parenting is one such consequence. In this blog, we will guide you to understand eggshell parenting and show you the risky spots you should avoid.

What is Eggshell Parenting?  



Up Next

Top 6 Most Notorious Serial Killers In History and Their Psychology Unleashed

Top Most Notorious Serial Killers In History

Some of the most horrifying and notorious murder cases in criminal history are those in which the most notorious serial killers caused irreversible harm to society by their horrific deeds. Motivated by an intricate network of psychological, social, and frequently pathological elements, these infamous persons have perpetrated atrocities that persistently enthral and appal the public.

Every instance sheds light on the dark psychology of serial killers, from Ed Gein’s horrific acts to Ted Bundy’s deliberate and planned killings. Investigating these sinister tales reveals not only the specifics of their heinous deeds but also the patterns and reasons behind them, providing insights into one of the most ghastly aspects of human nature.

6 Most Notorious Serial Killers In History



Up Next

The Role of Childhood Trauma in Serial Killers: A Deep Dive Into 5 Serial Killers and Their Upbringing

Role of Childhood Trauma in Serial Killers: Case Examples

The public’s fascination with the mystery surrounding serial killers has long sparked conjecture regarding the motivations behind people’s horrific behavior. The role of childhood trauma in serial killers has received a lot of attention, despite the fact that the reasons underlying their actions are complex.

In this blog, we explore the childhood experiences in serial killers to gain insight into their terrifying world. We aim to uncover the intricate relationship between pathology and upbringing by delving into the trauma in serial killers and unfavorable conditions that shaped these individuals’ early years.

This will illuminate the shadowy pasts of some of the most infamous murderers in history. Come along with us as we venture into the darkest recesses of the human brain, where the roots of violence are planted.



Up Next

Man vs Bear Debate: What is the Right Choice for Women?

Man vs Bear Debate: Is It Safe To Choose a Bear Over Man?

Even though Leonardo Di Caprio has proven that men can beat a bear in strength and intelligence, let’s not get carried away and remember that a bear can be more powerful than men. You can guess that we are here to discuss why women chose bear in the man vs bear debate.

The real question is, what threatens women more? Getting mauled by a bear and meeting a horrific death or getting violated by a man??

Women are inclined to the second option in the viral Man vs Bear debate.



Up Next

Brain Fog After Narcissistic Abuse? 8 Ways Narcissists Can Muddle Your Brain

Brain Fog After Narcissistic Abuse? Reasons Why It Happens

Have you ever heard of the term “brain fog”? Brain fog is like a maddening haze that seems to muddle your thoughts, makes you forget what you were saying, and has you searching for your clothes in the trash bin? Well, today we are going to talk about a specific sort of brain fog – brain fog after narcissistic abuse.

Imagine that you have just escaped from a toxic and abusive relationship with a narcissist. You are slowly picking up the pieces and trying to get your life back in order, but somehow you feel like your head is not in the right place. Everything still feels very odd and you still feel very lost.

Even though you are free from the clutches of your narcissistic ex, this bizarre mental fog just won’t lift. Let’s explore how narcissists cause brain fog, and the link between brain fog and narcissistic abuse.