5 Dysfunctional Conversation Types When Delivering Bad News

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Dysfunctional Conversation Delivering Bad News

Have you ever let emotion get the best of you in a difficult conversation?

How to remain calm.

One of the greatest challenges as a manager is delivering bad news. For many managersโ€Šโ€”โ€Šespecially first time, or novice managersโ€Šโ€”โ€Šthe experience of delivering bad news, during a layoff conversation or even a negative performance reviewโ€Šโ€”โ€Šcan be surprisingly emotional. People can feel sympathy for the victim.

They can feel confused or even frustrated or angry about the fact that they have to deliver the message in the first place, especially if itโ€™s a message that they didnโ€™t necessarily endorse in the first place. And they can feel nervousโ€Šโ€”โ€Šsometimes exceedingly nervousโ€Šโ€”โ€Šabout doing something that they know is going to cause pain and discomfort to another human being.

Along with my colleague Joshua Margolis, I have studied these conversations for many years, and one thing we discovered in this work is that when managers fail to keep their emotions in check when delivering bad news, they can fall prey to five different dysfunctional conversation types.

1. Dysfunctional Conversation #1: Bargaining

This is when you allow the conversation to become a negotiation when it really canโ€™t be one. When employees receive negative news, itโ€™s the most natural thing in the world to engage in what one manager in our research study called the โ€œbut why?โ€ conversationโ€Šโ€”โ€Šโ€” โ€œBut why do you have to do this?โ€โ€ฆ โ€œBut why is this necessary?โ€โ€ฆ

โ€œBut why does it have to be me?โ€. But assuming this truly is a message you have to deliver, you canโ€™t as a manager fall into this trap of the โ€œbut whyโ€ conversation. You certainly canโ€Šโ€”โ€Šand should beโ€Šโ€”โ€Šcompassionate with your delivery, but you cannot stray from your message.

Read 7 Ways To Tackle Difficult Conversations

2. Dysfunctional Conversation #2: Cushioning

Youโ€™ve probably seen or heard of an example of someone breaking up with a girlfriend or boyfriend and being so indirect and obtuse about the message that the person in question doesnโ€™t actually even understand theyโ€™re being dumped!

Thatโ€™s cushioning: where, as a person delivering a negative message, you soften the blow, but in doing so, you actually end up confusing the other person since they have no idea what youโ€™re saying. Youโ€™d think this might be uncommon in the corporate world, but itโ€™s not. In one organization we studied managers were told to mention termination within the first 10 seconds of the meeting in order to guard against this exact dysfunctional conversation type.

Read 7 Conversation Hacks That Will Help You Hit It Off With Anyone

3. Dysfunctional Conversation #3: Unloading

With unloading, the person delivering the message simply canโ€™t control his or her feelings. And they unload: they deliver the message in a hurried, panicked wayโ€Šโ€”โ€Šfreeing themselves of the emotional burden they had been carrying and unloading it onto the victim. And as you can imagine, the message delivered is often less than dignifying and interpersonally sensitive.

Read 3 Tips To Create Conversations That Are Worth Having In Your Workplace

4. Dysfunctional Conversation #4: Arguing

Sometimes people receiving negative news feel itโ€™s unfair. They want to fight back and argue. And as a person delivering the message, you canโ€™t let this happen. You need to control yourself in a way that diffuses a potential conflict instead of fueling the fire.

For example, one company we worked with told managers to: (a) listen, (b) allow employees to vent, but then to restate their message again, clearly and succinctly. It can feel impersonal, but such a method avoids arguing and enables you to actually deliver the message you were intending to.

Read 11 Conversation Killers To Avoid At All Costs

5. Dysfunctional Conversation #5: Mechanizing

Finally, the fifth and final dysfunctional conversational type is mechanizingโ€Šโ€”โ€Šagain, you let emotion get the best of you, but instead of arguing, you detach.

You distance. You go โ€œrobotic,โ€ delivering the message in a stilted, awkward style that, just like the other dysfunctional conversation types is hardly dignifying, albeit for different reasons.

None of us wants to fail at delivering bad news. But unless we learn to control our emotions and recognize these dysfunctional conversation types, itโ€™s unlikely weโ€™ll be able to treat the recipients of our messages with the dignity they deserve.

Have you ever let emotion get the best of you in a difficult conversation?


Written by: Andy Molinsky 
Originally appeared on: Thrive Global
Republished with permission.
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