Anger, just as many other emotions, is only difficult because nobody taught us how it works and how to deal with it. In this article, you are going to learn the basics and this will not only be about anger management, today we go beyond.
Containing a fire is like classic anger management. Learning to extinguish that fire is, on the other hand, the ultimate aim of my Anger Management program. Read on to learn it yourself.
Anger doesn’t have to be a chronic problem, and while many learn to just manage it you can learn to drop it completely off your life. Not suppression, that would be useless, we’re going beyond anger management, a true bye-bye to anger and rage in your life.
Now, the key here is knowing exactly what you really want. Just like it happens with alcoholism, it will not be until you are completely determined to abandon rage forever that you will start living without anger and the impact this has in your life.
Let’s get started.
First, you need to understand that the real problem is not anger itself nor the way you express it, but the fact that you hold on to it. Your attachment to anger is the true problem, in some cases going as far as being an addiction. Nothing you cannot overcome, but similar to craving sweets for example.
This is especially difficult to observe when enraged and that’s why you must learn about your anger when not under its influence. This way you will be prepared, stop being reactive (your automatic programming) and start doing the things that will lead you to a happier life.
One last thing, though: If you believe you have no power over your anger or that you are incapable of changing, this is not the place for you.
First of all, understand that anger and rage are a burden, a burden which you decide to take on yourself. Think of it as a heavy, heavy load that suddenly is placed on your shoulders, where you decide to accept it.
Think about this for a moment, you can recognize this by thinking about your past experiences, the times when you’ve been angry. Unless you have already decided that you don’t want anger in your life, you can clearly see the mechanics of anger whenever someone (even yourself) tries to make you drop that rage.
You immediately start validating it. Immediately after the failed attempt of dropping it, you will start making excuses. You will start giving answers like: “It was them who started”, “This dumb thing is making me angry”, “I am mad because this happened”.
All of the reasons. They are reasons you give yourself to take on that heavy burden. And guess what happens next? Like any emotion, it holds a charge, a charge that must be dealt with.
The energetic charge that emotions hold is rarely ever static, it is dynamic and it pushes you from the inside.
Just as sadness urges you to cry or fear makes you want to run, anger and rage make you do things. Depending on your specific situation, those acts can be screaming, punching the wall, throw stuff (or a tantrum), storm out of the room… you name it.
That’s the mechanics of anger, it makes you want to release it. It makes you want to drop, in some way, the burden you decided to take on your shoulders. Why?
Because you validated it in the first place!
If someone cuts you off you will proceed to get mad, tense your body, honk at the car now in front of you, yell at the driver, maybe flip him/her, and all sorts of stuff… all because?
Who cares, you can mention a thousand reasons anything from “stupid people” to “he put me at risk by doing that”.
The point is still the same: You are validating your anger and your ensuing behavior, you give yourself permission to accept the burden and with that acceptance, you also carry the obligation of releasing any energy it may carry with it.
My anger management is simpler than you think. The first step is to break the bond. Give your anger no validation.
If you really want to get over this, give your anger no validation because no matter what happens on the outside you have taken the decision not to accept anger. You already know all the reasons why you could accept it, but your decision is not to do it.