8. It didn’t love it was manipulation.
He needed someone to control when parts of his life were outside his control. He needed to know that when he jumped someone would say ‘how high.’ He needed that validation that no matter what he did, someone would love him for it. And I was an easy target. I was still learning to love myself and thought to get there I had to first be someone worthy of being loved. It was every changed story. It was him spinning everything justifying his actions because of something I did.
9. It wasn’t love it was infatuation.
When you invest so much time and effort into someone you don’t want it to be wasted. And I claimed it was love but more than that it was the want and need to be loved that kept me going
10. I shouldn’t have loved someone who made me lose myself.
I just remember looking at myself one day wondering how I became this person. And I thought back to who I was before him and I realized I couldn’t even recognize this person who thought so little of themselves to deal with this not once but one several occasion over such a long period of him.
11. I shouldn’t have loved someone who made it a game.
I thought his love was something to be won over. I competed with others, I made myself look like a fool for trying, all the while he’d change the rules whenever he felt. I was simply a pawn in his game.
12. I believed what I wanted, not what was true.
I took the good moments and the person I wanted him to be and believed that. What I didn’t see was how blinded I was to the truth. I saw what I wanted to be the future and I danced with these ideas in my head because every time he said, ‘one day’, I believed it and wanted it more than anything.
13. He took me for granted.
When you give too much, people take it for granted. When you give it to the wrong people there suddenly is an expectation without the words ‘thank you.’ I thought that if I kept trying maybe it would be reciprocated.
But if someone isn’t meeting you halfway, don’t keep walking.
14. He didn’t deserve me.
He didn’t deserve everything I did. But he also didn’t ask for it either. I deserved to give myself more than I gave him but in loving him more than myself, I couldn’t find that balance and it took so long to channel that effort into me.
Even with my best efforts, there was a cold realization after the fact, we didn’t deserve each other no matter how many time we tried.
15. I finally got enough strength to walk away.
There was a strength we both possessed. Because we challenged each other. A relationship even a toxic one can only continue if there are two people investing time and effort into one another. And we did. And I think there were moments we wanted to get it right. There were moments where a future seemed clear. It wasn’t all bad and that’s why I held on.
But sometimes two broken people coming together don’t build each other up but rather completely destroy each other in the end. I think that’s what happened.
16. He made me question everyone after him.
There is always an aftermath of any storm that enters. The debris that is left over and the rebuilding that needs to be done. I spent so much time investing the same effort I put into him, into rebuilding myself and treating myself the way I treated him. It was there I found myself again.
To say I walked away unscarred would be a lie. I still find myself questioning really good people and wondering their motives. I find myself not trusting people because I never trusted him. I find myself jumping to conclusions and overcome with insecurity at times.