Why Relationships Fail

 / 

,
Why Relationships Fail

Most people, when asked if they want a loving relationship, will say that having a loving relationship is one of the two most important things to them โ€“ along with having work they love.

Why, then, do so many relationships fail?

If we want to go deeply into why relationships fail, we need to go all the way back to the parental relationship.

When we didn’t receive the love, safety, security and emotional regulation we needed as infants, we developed protective patterns that allowed us to manage the pain of this โ€“ patterns that, unless healed, continue to affect our relationships. Protective patterns, such as anger, withdrawal, compliance, and resistance invariably create relationship problems.

The bottom-line issue is that when we didn’t receive the love we needed, we didn’t learn to love ourselves. Instead, we learned to abandon ourselves with our various protections against the pain of not being loved.

If there is one answer to why relationships fail, it’s because we don’t love ourselves. Instead, we try valiantly to get the love from our partner that we didn’t receive as a child or try to avoid being controlled by our partner the way we might have been controlled as a child. While we are operating from our protective patterns, our partner is doing the same thing. The love that we originally felt grinds to a halt as the patterns of anger, withdrawal, compliance and resistance play out.

In the 46 years that I’ve been working with individuals and couples, I’ve seen variations of this same pattern play out over and over, resulting in a failed relationship unless the protective patterns heal.

Healing Rather Than Leaving

Since we generally attract people at our common level of woundedness โ€“ which means our common level of self-abandonment/self-rejection/lack of self-love- the chances of repeating the patterns that lead to relationship failure are great. Unless there is physical or emotional abuse, relationship problems can offer us opportunities to heal these patterns. Yet, often, when things get tough, we think we need to leave the relationship.

Instead, why not stay, and take advantage of the opportunity? Why not devote yourself to learning to love yourself so that you can share the love with your partner?

Here is what can happen in a relationship when two people decide to learn to love themselves, which is what the Inner Bonding process is all about.

As you each learn to connect with your Source of Love (we live in a universe of love, but when you are operating from your protective patterns, you can’t feel the love that is here for you), you begin to be able to feel love within.

As you each learn to feel the love within, you gradually learn to define yourselves as this love. You each recognize that your soul is a part of this love, and therefore lovable and worthy. The more you each define your intrinsic worth as love, the fuller you each feel inside, and eventually, you both feel so full of love within that it comes spilling out to be shared with each other.

Loving yourselves brings each of you the safety and security you might have been seeking from each other. Now, instead of trying to get love from each other, you are each sharing your love with your partner. Ironically, you are each giving to the other what you have wanted from each other, but were unable to freely give to each other previously.

I hope you can see that self-abandonment/self-rejection is the major cause of relationship failure and learning to love yourself is what heals relationships. There is no greater joy in life than the sharing of love, but you cannot share what you don’t know you have. Until you learn to love yourself, you cannot share the love with another.

So, instead of leaving your relationship, learn to love yourself, and create the relationship you’ve always wanted. Even if just one of you decides to learn to love yourself, your relationship system might change enough to turn the relationship around. And it if doesn’t and the relationship comes to an end, at least you won’t be taking the same protective patterns into your next relationship. You have nothing to lose by learning to love yourself!


Written byย Margaret Paul, PhD
For information or to schedule a phone or Skype session:ย 310-459-1700 โ€ข 888-646-6372 (888-6INNERBOND)ย http://www.innerbonding.com

You may also like

Why Romance Turns Toxic: The Psychology Behind Love & Relationships

18 Relationship Red Flags You Should Never Ignore

A 23 Point Love Contract To Bulletproof Your Relationship

12 Habits In A Relationship That Are More Harmful Than Cheating

4 Signs That Indicate You Are In A Selfish Relationship

2 Stupid Words โ€ฆYou Should Never Use In A Relationship

When Someone You Love Becomes Toxic

Why Relationships Fail

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply



Up Next

7 Types Of Intimacy To Deepen Your Relationship

Different Types Of Intimacy In A Relationship Or Love

Ever wondered how to deepen your bond with your partner? Learning these 7 different types of intimacy in a relationship that can bring you closer in meaningful ways. Try it out now!

Intimacy is important, but how do we cultivate it?

KEY POINTS

Intimacy is important to the health and longevity of most romantic relationships.

Sexual intimacy relies on self-disclosure and empathic listening.

Intimacy includes physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, humor, aesthetic, and future-oriented sources.



Up Next

The Pebbling Love Language: Inspired By Penguins To Transform Relationships

What Is Pebbling Love language? Tips To Spark Love

For some people love doesn’t mean big actions and expensive presents, but rather small things matter the most to them. So here’s pebbling love language – inspired by penguins. Letโ€™s find out if you have this language of love without even knowing it.

What Is Pebbling Love language?

To attract a partner, male Gentoo penguins offer female penguins little stones or pebbles, to help build their nests.

Although humans don’t exchange rocks as a token of love, but the idea of penguin pebbling love language operates on the same basic principle of making someo



Up Next

Can TikTok’s ‘Meeting Someone Twice Theory’ Really Lead To Love?

Meeting Someone Twice Theory: Best Examples

Has a person ever crossed your path and then reappeared at another point in your life, causing you to feel like you have some kind of unexplainable bond with them? According to the newest idea from TikTok, Meeting Someone Twice Theory โ€“ is a meaningful thought that says love often needs a second chance.

So let’s learn how the universe might be making these things happen on purpose.

What Is The Meeting Someone Twice Theory?

You meet someone in passing at a coffee shop, party or on the street. You exchange fleeting pleasantries, maybe share a laugh or a conversation, and then life goes on as usual.

But then, weeks or months or years later, you cross paths again and th



Up Next

How To Forgive A Cheater And Move Forward: A Relationship Guide

How To Forgive A Cheater And Move On: A Relationship Guide

Trying to forgive a cheater can be one of the toughest challenges in a relationship, but it’s not impossible. Here’s a guide to help you heal your heart and move forward with confidence, grace and peace.

Did you know that around forty percent of unmarried relationships and twenty-five percent of marriages have at least one instance of infidelity?

If your partner has cheated on you, youโ€™re not alone. Betrayal can be one of the most painful experiences in a relationship.

But itโ€™s important to remember that forgiveness is not about excusing the behavior or forgetting what happened. Itโ€™s about letting go of the hurt and anger so that you can move forward.

In this guide, you will learn practical steps for how to forgive a cheater, inc



Up Next

7 Common Trauma Beliefs Preventing You From Finding Love

Common Trauma Beliefs Preventing You From Finding Love

Are you still single, even after putting in a lot of effort to find love? The answer might lie in your trauma beliefs. Yes, you heard me right. Trauma beliefs are the deep-seated, often subconscious notions formed from past painful experiences that shape how you see yourself and relationships, in general.

Beliefs caused by trauma can act as invisible barriers, keeping you from finding and maintaining love. If you are tired of feeling stuck in the same old patterns, it’s time to dig into these 7 trauma beliefs that might be sabotaging your love life.

So, are you ready to know all the ways trauma is keeping you single? Come on, let’s find out together.

Related:



Up Next

3 Relationship Check In Questions On Love, According To A Psychologist

Relationship Check In Questions For Couples In Love

It’s common for us to push relationships down our list of priorities when we get busy. We think weโ€™ll make up for lost time later, assuming everything will be fine. But what if everything isnโ€™t fine? Below are 3 crucial relationship check in questions for couples to make life simpler!

According to a recent publication of Current Issues in Personality Psychology, discussions were shown to be an effective strategy for solving disagreements and improving the quality of relationships.

So, a monthly relationship relationship check in questions can help keep your love boat afloat. Once a month, you and your partner can sit across from each other and talk. It isnโ€™t about pointing fingers or finding fault; itโ€™s about feeding the connection



Up Next

8 Clear Signs Someone Cares About You (Even If They Don’t Always Express It)

Unmistakable Signs Someone Cares About You

Are you confused about whether they genuinely care about you? Well, this article will take you through 8 unmistakable signs someone cares about you deeply, even though they do not always express it.

There is an ancient saying that actions speak louder than words. An expression like that tends to stick around for a reason, and this one does make a lot of sense. In our increasingly chaotic and noisy world, it’s easy to forget that some people struggle to verbalize their feelings. But remember, still waters run deep.

Just because someone struggles to express their feelings in words doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. Actually, the real clues are buried within their actions. Look out for these telltale signs to know if someone cares about you genuinely: