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What To Do When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You Back

What To Do When The Person You Love Doesn't Love You Back

You want to be with someone who loves you, and if someone doesn’t, move on.

It’s hard but it happens. And it hurts.

You find yourself loving someone who doesn’t love you back; or you love someone who acted like there was a possibility of love in return, but now there’s not; or you love someone who simply doesn’t feel the same way and isn’t going to feel the same way, ever; or you loved someone deeply who loved you deeply and then this person just switched off and hurt you in ways that were unimaginable, or this person loved you and you loved them and then someone new came along and they left.

Whatever the situation, you’re left with a big pile of hurt when unrequited love sneaks its way into your life. You recall your exchanges over and over in your mind. Where did it go wrong or fail to go right? What should you have done that you didn’t? What did you do that you shouldn’t have?

 

You feel rejected and that something really is wrong with you. You wonder what you could do to make this person want you.

Maybe your ex is with someone new or just fell out of love one day. Or failed to fall in love on the day you did. That’s even more baffling. There is nothing and no one else. Or your ex-has spiraled into some other mindset. They’re depressed or upset or self-absorbed in some way.

Wouldn’t you want someone to help carry the burden, you ask. The answer is please leave me alone.

You’re freaking out. How is it that they want you to help by going away? The first emotion is disbelief. How can this be? How did I get here? How am I hurting over this person? Maybe your personality is draining away — you used to be fun and helpful and have a great sense of humor. Now you’re plain and dull and you’re boring all your friends with your sad refrain of unrequited love.

Part of you refuses to believe it. It can’t be so. Something will change. This is a phase. This is temporary. I’ll just sit here and wait for my love to smarten up and see the light. That is what I will do. Better yet, I will change things. I will call him or her or text him or her. We will get into a big emotional conversation and I will persuade them that this is all wrong.

My suggestion is to stop and not do anything, which, in the beginning, is the hardest thing to do. You’re having trouble absorbing the news and are doing your damnedest to make it different or refuse to believe it’s over.

It’s natural to deny it, but it’s important to believe it when loving someone who doesn’t love you back. You can take your time but you have to move in the direction of believing it because it’s true. Let it slowly sink in and do the hardest thing there is to do: Nothing.

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Written by Susan J Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.

Susan J Elliott, JD, M.Ed., is a sought-after relationship commentator, motivational speaker, certified grief counselor, and attorney. Her books include Getting Past Your Breakup: How To Turn A Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You (Da Capo 2009) and Getting Back Out There: Successful Dating and Finding Real Love After the Big Breakup (Da Capo 2015). She lives in New York.

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