Holding on to feelings of pain, anger or frustration doesn’t fix anything but still a lot of us can’t seem to let them go? May be because we have known them for so long and they feel oddly comfortable.
But holding on to past only keeps us stuck in victim mentality and stops us from creating a strong and healthy sense of self defined by who we are and what we want to be in future.
If you are having trouble letting go off your traumatic past, bad relationships, grudges and loss, these 10 tips can assist you:
1) Learn to accept people and situations as they are
Everything should preferably go according to our expectations. We contemplate that our relationships will be as we anticipate it to be; perfect and flawless. We all have a certain image of the kind of person we want to be with, in a relationship. Problem is called for when the person in our head distantly resembles the person in reality. This huge discordance between what we expect and what the reality is, makes it difficult for us to accept the truth.
As we explore the intricacies of our relationships, we discover that things do not always go as we planned and we have to learn to be flexible. After years of being with a person you might realize he/she isn’t your dream partner. Accepting other individuals also includes respecting them for who they really are. It also means knowing that nobody is perfect and everyone has their share of flaws and virtues, including you.
With time we learn that the world will not always work to our advantage. The most we can do is take responsibility for our part in the relationship, give our best shot, practice gratitude and trust the process.
2) Do not become too invested in outcomes when it comes to dealing with humans
“When you let go of your expectations when you accept life as it is, you’re free. To hold on is to be serious and uptight. To let go is to lighten up.”
― Richard Carlson, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and its all small stuff
Life is very dynamic and fluid. There are no guarantees in life and there’s really nothing we can do to get our desired outcomes while dealing with human beings.
When our needs or expectations aren’t met, we often become resented and frustrated, reacting very immaturely. Expectations are natural but should not be unrealistic. Not everyone thinks alike. Trying to empathize and understand the perspective of another person makes it easier for us to limit our unrealistic expectations from them.
We have to acknowledge that healthy relationships aren’t built on manipulative techniques and guilt tripping each other. Blaming the other person for failing to meet your expectations is naive. If both partners aren’t able to fulfill each other’s realistic needs or if they have outgrown each other, it is best to mutually deal with this situation in a calm and mature manner.
In some situations, it could mean defining very clear boundaries and sometimes it could mean completely letting go and moving on.
3) Do not hold self-limiting beliefs
The most common mistake after a bad breakup or a setback is that we start doubting our own potentials. We suddenly start evaluating ourselves in negative light. “Everything bad happened because of me.” “I deserve this.” “I must be punished.” We start having doubt on our self-efficacy based on what happened to us in the past, how people treated us in the past. We forget to rationally evaluate how much we have contributed to our bad past.
These self-limiting ideas make us guilt ridden by what happened to us in the past. One tends to guilt trip oneself to think that their past experience is bad because they are not up to the mark. You are not perfect. Nobody is perfect. Accepting you strong points and working on the points you want to improve will help rediscover yourself. How others treat us define them as a person, not us. Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.