It is important for children to develop autonomy so they can become independent adults. These tools can help parents encourage healthy child development
To gather information about the parent-child relationship, I often ask parents, “If you could wish for one thing for your child, what would that wish be?” I might also ask,“What do you want for your child as they transition into adulthood?”
Exploring a parent’s wishes for their child can help increase understanding of the parent-child relationship. This is important whether you are working with parents in a school setting or in private work.
Generally, the responses I hear do not vary all that much. Parents say they want their child to be “happy” and experience “success.” When I push parents to define what these things look like, things can get interesting. Through a parent’s definition of “happiness” and “success,” I often learn more about their family values, approaches to parenting, and the pressures a child may be experiencing.
Parents often ask me if they answered “correctly” or how I would answer the same question. I share my own greatest goal for children: That, as they transition into adulthood, they possess the skills to be empathetic and independent adults.
How can we help children become independent adults?
An essential step toward accomplishing this goal is educating parents about the self-determination theory and autonomy-supportive parenting.
THE SELF-DETERMINATION THEORY
The self-determination theory explains the three basic psychological needs people need to fulfill:
- Autonomy, or the need to feel free to choose their own behavior
- Competence, or the need to feel capable of effectively interacting with their environment
- Relatedness, or the need to feel close to and meaningfully connected to others
It’s important for these needs to be supported by a child’s environment in order for them to emotionally evolve and develop in a healthy way. A positive family environment can promote and support a child’s basic psychological needs. On the other hand, a negative family environment can hamper healthy psychological development (Deci and Ryan, 2000).
How can we help children become independent adults? An essential step toward accomplishing this goal is educating parents about the self-determination theory and autonomy-supportive parenting.
Parents can practice autonomy-supportive parenting by creating an environment that supports autonomy. Parents who support the development of autonomy are involved in their child’s life but encourage independence and problem-solving skills. It’s important for parents to give children both age-appropriate autonomy and agency. By doing so, they help them develop at an appropriate level. This can have the effect of greater emotional well-being.
When children are autonomous, they are more likely to feel capable of making their own healthy choices. By supporting children in the development of autonomy and agency, parents also help children learn about family values, social norms, and essential rules.
Check out What Type Of Parent Are You? QUIZ
Parents can support the development of autonomy by:
1. Providing a rationale and explanation for family rules and behavior expectations.
When children and adolescents understand the reasons for rules and the context behind them, they have an easier time supporting and following those rules.
2. Labeling and validating a child’s feelings and perspectives.
Validating feeling is an essential component of mental health and growth. By normalizing emotions, parents can help them understand that everyone has challenging moments. This also helps children learn that strong feelings are nothing to be ashamed of.
3. Minimizing judgement and control.
Many parents may try to control their kids. Psychologist Dr. Ross Greene recommends parents try to influence children instead. Parents who attempt to control children can become dependent on power-oriented strategies. By adopting a more collaborative parenting style, as Greene suggests, parents make room for children to develop greater autonomy. This in turn helps children develop the skills necessary to become independent adults.
4. Allowing children to make choices.
By providing age-appropriate opportunities for children to make independent choices and decisions, parents are giving them a healthy sense of agency and control.