9 Guiding Principles For More Positive Parenting

 / 

Positive Parenting

Raising well-behaved kids is the goal of every parent. Children are pretty much driven by emotions, that’s why it’s necessary to adopt a parenting style that supports your children’s interests and builds a foundation for their better behavior. Positive parenting teaches children acceptable behavior and makes them more mentally adjusted.

Principles Positive Parenting info

Here are guiding principles for more positive parenting.

1.ย Be sure your expectations for your child match her age and stage of development.ย 

The first principle for more positive parenting is to recognize that young children are driven by emotions, not logic, so irrational behavior is totally normal. The part of the brain that enables us to think about and manage our feelings and impulses is not well-developed until five to six years of age. Expecting more from children than they are capable of can lead to lots of frustration for both parents and children.

Having appropriate expectations is critical to positive parenting because the meaning you assign to your childโ€™s behavior influences how you react. If you think your child is purposefully breaking rules, you are much more likely to react in harsh ways that further distress your child instead of calming her.

If you see these behaviors in the context of normal development, you are more likely to approach your child with empathy and appreciate these moments as opportunities to teach good coping skills.

Read 12 Powerful Parenting Phrases To Discipline Your Kid

2. Tune in to the meaning of your childโ€™s behavior.

Getting to the root cause of your childโ€™s actions can help you to respond in ways that are sensitive and effective. A tantrum in the grocery store might be caused by sensory overload, fatigue, or disappointment about not getting a cookie from the bakery. Biting might be a self-soothing strategy, a way to keep others at a distance, or an expression of anger.

So, the second principle for more positive parenting – understanding the root cause of behavior can help you come up with discipline strategies that address the underlying issue and help your child build strong coping skills.

This means considering some factors that impact behavior:

Whatโ€™s going on in your childโ€™s worldโ€”has she experienced a recent move?
A new caregiver? A recent loss? Parental stress?
Itโ€™s also important to think about your childโ€™s temperament. Is she a big reactor or a go-with-the-flow kind of kid? Is he persistent or does he get frustrated easily?
How does she react to new people and experiencesโ€”does she jump right in or need time to feel comfortable?

All of these factors influence childrenโ€™s ability to cope with lifeโ€™s natural stressors, such as adapting to new experiences, learning to wait, and managing daily transitions.

My Parents Didnโ€™t Raise Me To Take Advantage Of People

Read The 4 Common Parenting Styles and Their Effects on Kids

3.ย Donโ€™t fear your childโ€™s feelings.

Feelings arenโ€™t โ€œrightโ€ or โ€œwrongโ€, and they are not the problem. Itโ€™s what children (and we adults!) do with our feelings that can be problematic. Ignoring or minimizing feelings doesnโ€™t make them go away, they just get โ€œacted-outโ€ through behaviors (often negative) that can lead to more stress, not less, for your childโ€ฆand you.

The third principle for more positive parenting is Naming feelings – it is the first step in helping children learn to manage themโ€”a key factor for developing self-regulation.

Read 4 Types Of Parenting Styles In Psychology: What Kind Of A Parent Are You?

4.ย Keep in mind that happy children arenโ€™t always happy (aka limits are loving !)

Just because a child doesnโ€™t like a limit, and is unhappy in the moment, doesnโ€™t mean itโ€™s not good for him. (I have yet to hear a 3-year-old say, โ€œThanks, Dad, for not letting me have those M&Mโ€™s before dinner. I know how important it is to eat my growing foods.โ€) Setting and enforcing clear limits is loving and is a guiding principle for more positive parenting.

Children Who Grow Up in Stressful Environments

Learning to accept limits leads to flexibility and the development of effective coping strategies: accepting a cheese stick instead of candy or finding another toy to play with when the one they want is off-limits. This ability to adapt is what ultimately makes children happy and helps them be successful in the larger world. Remember, just because your child wants something doesnโ€™t mean he needs it.

5. Limits are only as effective as your ability to implement them; they canโ€™t depend on your childโ€™s compliance or cooperation.

You canโ€™t make a child get in her car seat, but you can give her the choice between climbing in herself or having you put her in. You canโ€™t make a child stay in his room after bedtime, but you can put up a gate to provide a boundary that prevents your having to continuously (and with increasing annoyanceโ€”not good for anyone) escort him back to bed. Depending on your child to follow through puts him, not you, in the driverโ€™s seat. And that’s the way to more positive parenting.

Read 5 Kinds Of Fear-Based Parenting Every Parent Should Steer Clear Of

6.ย Young children are strategic, not manipulative.ย 

Children are driven to get what they want and will use any tools at their disposal that help them reach their goalโ€”they are not purposefully trying to drive you crazy.

If throwing a tantrum results in extra iPad time, a later bedtime, or simply getting more of your attention, your toddler is putting 2 and 2 together, making an important assessment: โ€œExcellent strategy! Put that one in the win column.โ€ This is not manipulation, it is strategic.

7.ย Donโ€™t take the bait!ย 

Young children are incredibly cleverโ€”they are highly skilled at tuning in to what yanks their parentsโ€™ chains and gets them in the jugular. (I hate youโ€”you are the meanest mommy! You are not invited to my birthday party! Sound familiar?)

While this feels so wrong, and is extremely exasperating, children are just trying to figure out how to gain the control they so desperately want, and yet have so little of.

Any reaction from you reinforces the behavior, even if your response is negative. The best way to respond to bait? Ignore it. This doesnโ€™t mean you ignore your childโ€”you just donโ€™t react to the provocative behavior. Instead, acknowledge the underlying feeling: โ€œYou are mad that I took the iPad away,โ€ and move on.

Read Modern Parenting May Hinder Brain Development: Studies Suggest

8.ย Be responsive, not reactive (otherwise known as โ€œknow your triggers and manage your emotionsโ€).ย 

Anticipate what kinds of situations get you revved up and reactive and make a plan for how to calm yourself in order to make a thoughtful decision about how to respond to your child. It might mean taking a mommy/daddy time-out.

This principle for more positive parenting gives you a chance to calm down and think through the best way to respond while throwing a monkey wrench into what might otherwise become a heated back-and-forth. (It also sometimes has the very fortunate effect of stopping the child short in his tracksโ€”so shocked at your calm response!)

Taking this time-out can keep you from being reactive, give you time to think, and provide a very powerful model for exercising self-control. It is also a great tool for co-parents to avoid undermining each other and to allow time to come up with a united plan: โ€œHmmโ€ฆthis is a problem; you want ice cream but it is almost dinner time and that is not growing food. We need a minute to think about how to solve this problem.โ€

9 Guiding Principles For More Positive Parenting

Once you have agreed on a plan, you let your child know what his choices are: โ€œWe know you love ice cream and want some now, but that is sweet for after dinner. Now your choices are apple slices or carrots.โ€

If he throws a big fit, you calmly and lovingly let him know you see he is unhappy about your decision and then moves on. Donโ€™t fear the tantrum! Being responsive is the key to positive parenting.

9.ย Avoid solving your childโ€™s problems.ย 

Itโ€™s a natural, human reaction not to want to see our children struggle. Our knee-jerk response is often to rescue our children or โ€œfixโ€ whatever is causing them distress. (One cry of frustration from my three-year-old challenged by a puzzle resulted in my instantaneous, mom-to-the-rescue responseโ€”fitting the pieces in their correct spaces to make him feel all betterโ€”setting a pattern of him relying on me to be the fixer for years to come.)

When parents repeatedly solve their childrenโ€™s problems, they are missing opportunities to help them develop the confidence that they can master new skills.

In helping make it all better so our children wonโ€™t feel bad about themselves, we are actually doing the opposite: we send the message that our children are not capable of mastering the challenges they face and that only adults can solve their problems.

Read 22 Hysterical Parenting Memes That Will Leave You In Splits

Discipline comes from the word disciple, which means to teach a follower or student. It has nothing to do with punishment, which has been shown to have negative long-term consequences for children far into adulthood.

When you approach limit-setting like that favorite teacher you had growing up, who was clear and firm but loving, who didnโ€™t shame you when you made a bad choice but helped you see the consequences of your actions and learn to make good decisions, you give your child a gift that keeps on giving.

Please share these principles for more positive parenting with anyone who you may think will find it valuable and helpful.


Written by: Claire Lerner
Pre-order her book coming out 9/2021: Why is My Child in Charge?
Originally appeared on: Lerner Child Development
Republished with permission
Principles Positive Parenting pin
Positive Parenting Pin

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

Invisible Wounds: 10 Ways Unresolved Attachment Trauma Manifests in Adults

Possible Signs Of Unresolved Attachment Trauma

Your childhood trauma wounds can haunt you for the rest of your life. Unresolved attachment trauma in adults is more common than you think, however, knowing the signs of attachment trauma in adults can help you understand yourself more and take the necessary steps to heal.

Key Points

Childhood trauma often refers to traumas experienced in the family of origin during the formative years of our development.

Although many traumas result from abuse or neglect, not all are.

Some childhood traumas, such as emotional neglect, were not done purposefully. Some parents might not even have known.

<


READ FULL ARTICLE โ‡ฒ
Up Next

Coping With Postpartum Psychosis: What New Mothers Need To Know

Postpartum Psychosis Causes And Effective Treatments

The birth of a child is supposed to be a joyous occasion, but for some new mothers, it can trigger a serious mental health condition called postpartum psychosis. 

What is postpartum psychosis?

Postpartum psychosis is a rare but serious mental health disorder that can affect women in the weeks following childbirth, leaving them struggling with intense feelings of confusion, anxiety, and despair.

Fortunately, with the right support and treatment, recovery is possible. We must raise awareness about this condition and make sure that new mothers have access to the care and resources they need to heal and thrive.


READ FULL ARTICLE โ‡ฒ
Up Next

Is Your Parenting Style Doing More Harm Than Good? Avoid These 6 Common Parenting Mistakes To Raise Happy And Confident Kids

Worst parenting Mistakes To Avoid For Your Childs Growth

Parenting is one of the most challenging yet rewarding experiences in life. While all parents want the best for their children. There are some common parenting mistakes that you must avoid so that you can raise happy children with grace and intention. 

Letโ€™s uncover each of them along with some parenting advice to follow.

1. Active listening shows that you care

One of the most crucial aspects of parenting is listening to your children. It can be tough to balance all the demands of parenting. But when you don't listen to your kids, you risk missing out on important insights into their thoughts, feelings, and experiences which can lead to


READ FULL ARTICLE โ‡ฒ
Up Next

Is Your Body Shape Linked To Your Child’s Intelligence? Curvy Women Make Smarter Babies, Says Scienceย 

New Empowering Study Curvy Women Make Smarter Babies

Science just dropped a bombshell discovery thatโ€™s going to change the way we think about body shape and intelligence. Are you ready for this? Curvy women make smarter babies! Pretty interesting right?

A womanโ€™s body shape potentially impacts the cognitive abilities of her child. 

Let's break this down further!

Curvy women have intelligent kids, says science

Curvy women have smarter babies. Well, that's fantastic news to hear, isn't it? 

A study took over 5000 moms and their children to see if there was a correlation between a momโ€™s body


READ FULL ARTICLE โ‡ฒ
Up Next

How A Messed Up Childhood Ruins Your Adult Life

How Messed Up Childhood Affects Adulthood

Childhood. The best time of our life. While most people will agree with this statement, some of us may coil in fear the moment our repressed childhood memories start to emerge from their dark trench.

Not every childhood is happy. Some are painted with the darkest shades of abuse and trauma which can keep us trapped in the blackened closet of fear even in our adulthood. 

Childhood is the golden age - a time of joy, innocence, wonder, exploration, optimism, and unconditional love.

A time when we are protected and cared for by our parents and family - and all these experiences build the foundation that allows us to grow up as secure, healthy, and responsible adults.

But what happens when your childhood is messed up? What happens when a child is n


READ FULL ARTICLE โ‡ฒ
Up Next

Narcissistic Mother Empath Daughter: 7 Signs You Have The ‘Good’ Daughter Syndrome

Narcissistic Mother Empath Daughter

The mother-daughter relationship is always a very impactful one. But what happens in a narcissistic mother empath daughter relationship? Lies, deceit, manipulation, emotional abuse, and whatnot. Daughters of narcissistic mothers have a traumatic and abusive childhood, which haunts them for the rest of their lives.

Growing up with a narcissistic mother is traumatic, to say the least. Maternal narcissism is characterized by manipulation, constant criticism, jealousy, control, intrusion, and selfishness. And it feels even worse if you are a sensitive and kind-hearted person, and daughter.

No matter how badly she treats you, you always try to treat her with respect, compassion, and understanding. You always try to be a good daughter to her, and chances are you suffer from the Good Daughter Syndrome. So, what is this all about? Let's find out!


READ FULL ARTICLE โ‡ฒ
Up Next

10 Ways To Overcome Childhood Trauma: Grow Beyond Your Childhood Trauma And Reclaim Your Life

Ways To Overcome Childhood Trauma

Do you want to break old patterns and release those past versions of yours? You might need to overcome childhood trauma first.

Our childhood is supposed to be the purest, most magical, and happiest time of our lives, and yet, for so many of us, childhood memories only bring pain, shame, anger, and confusion. For it was when we had, for the first time, experienced trauma.

At a time when we were new to this world, blissfully unaware of its complexities, and our formative brains still grappling with concepts of love, care, safety, and nurturance, we came to know what it feels to be unloved, uncared for, unsafe, and unnurtured.

Read:


READ FULL ARTICLE โ‡ฒ