9 Guiding Principles For More Positive Parenting

Written By:

Written By:

Positive Parenting 1

Raising well-behaved kids is the goal of every parent. Children are pretty much driven by emotions, thatโ€™s why itโ€™s necessary to adopt a parenting style that supports your childrenโ€™s interests and builds a foundation for their better behavior. Positive parenting teaches children acceptable behavior and makes them more mentally adjusted.




Principles Positive Parenting info

Here are guiding principles for more positive parenting.

1. Be sure your expectations for your child match her age and stage of development. 

The first principle for more positive parenting is to recognize that young children are driven by emotions, not logic, so irrational behavior is totally normal. The part of the brain that enables us to think about and manage our feelings and impulses is not well-developed until five to six years of age. Expecting more from children than they are capable of can lead to lots of frustration for both parents and children.

Having appropriate expectations is critical to positive parenting because the meaning you assign to your childโ€™s behavior influences how you react. If you think your child is purposefully breaking rules, you are much more likely to react in harsh ways that further distress your child instead of calming her.



If you see these behaviors in the context of normal development, you are more likely to approach your child with empathy and appreciate these moments as opportunities to teach good coping skills.

Read 12 Powerful Parenting Phrases To Discipline Your Kid

2. Tune in to the meaning of your childโ€™s behavior.

Getting to the root cause of your childโ€™s actions can help you to respond in ways that are sensitive and effective. A tantrum in the grocery store might be caused by sensory overload, fatigue, or disappointment about not getting a cookie from the bakery. Biting might be a self-soothing strategy, a way to keep others at a distance, or an expression of anger.




So, the second principle for more positive parenting โ€“ understanding the root cause of behavior can help you come up with discipline strategies that address the underlying issue and help your child build strong coping skills.

This means considering some factors that impact behavior:

Whatโ€™s going on in your childโ€™s worldโ€”has she experienced a recent move?
A new caregiver? A recent loss? Parental stress?
Itโ€™s also important to think about your childโ€™s temperament. Is she a big reactor or a go-with-the-flow kind of kid? Is he persistent or does he get frustrated easily?
How does she react to new people and experiencesโ€”does she jump right in or need time to feel comfortable?

All of these factors influence childrenโ€™s ability to cope with lifeโ€™s natural stressors, such as adapting to new experiences, learning to wait, and managing daily transitions.

My Parents Didnโ€™t Raise Me To Take Advantage Of People

Read The 4 Common Parenting Styles and Their Effects on Kids

3. Donโ€™t fear your childโ€™s feelings.

Feelings arenโ€™t โ€œrightโ€ or โ€œwrongโ€, and they are not the problem. Itโ€™s what children (and we adults!) do with our feelings that can be problematic. Ignoring or minimizing feelings doesnโ€™t make them go away, they just get โ€œacted-outโ€ through behaviors (often negative) that can lead to more stress, not less, for your childโ€ฆand you.




The third principle for more positive parenting is Naming feelings โ€“ it is the first step in helping children learn to manage themโ€”a key factor for developing self-regulation.

Read 4 Types Of Parenting Styles In Psychology: What Kind Of A Parent Are You?

4. Keep in mind that happy children arenโ€™t always happy (aka limits are loving !)

Just because a child doesnโ€™t like a limit, and is unhappy in the moment, doesnโ€™t mean itโ€™s not good for him. (I have yet to hear a 3-year-old say, โ€œThanks, Dad, for not letting me have those M&Mโ€™s before dinner. I know how important it is to eat my growing foods.โ€) Setting and enforcing clear limits is loving and is a guiding principle for more positive parenting.

Children Who Grow Up in Stressful Environments

Learning to accept limits leads to flexibility and the development of effective coping strategies: accepting a cheese stick instead of candy or finding another toy to play with when the one they want is off-limits. This ability to adapt is what ultimately makes children happy and helps them be successful in the larger world. Remember, just because your child wants something doesnโ€™t mean he needs it.

5. Limits are only as effective as your ability to implement them; they canโ€™t depend on your childโ€™s compliance or cooperation.

You canโ€™t make a child get in her car seat, but you can give her the choice between climbing in herself or having you put her in. You canโ€™t make a child stay in his room after bedtime, but you can put up a gate to provide a boundary that prevents your having to continuously (and with increasing annoyanceโ€”not good for anyone) escort him back to bed. Depending on your child to follow through puts him, not you, in the driverโ€™s seat. And thatโ€™s the way to more positive parenting.

Read 5 Kinds Of Fear-Based Parenting Every Parent Should Steer Clear Of

6. Young children are strategic, not manipulative. 

Children are driven to get what they want and will use any tools at their disposal that help them reach their goalโ€”they are not purposefully trying to drive you crazy.




If throwing a tantrum results in extra iPad time, a later bedtime, or simply getting more of your attention, your toddler is putting 2 and 2 together, making an important assessment: โ€œExcellent strategy! Put that one in the win column.โ€ This is not manipulation, it is strategic.

7. Donโ€™t take the bait! 

Young children are incredibly cleverโ€”they are highly skilled at tuning in to what yanks their parentsโ€™ chains and gets them in the jugular. (I hate youโ€”you are the meanest mommy! You are not invited to my birthday party! Sound familiar?)

While this feels so wrong, and is extremely exasperating, children are just trying to figure out how to gain the control they so desperately want, and yet have so little of.

Any reaction from you reinforces the behavior, even if your response is negative. The best way to respond to bait? Ignore it. This doesnโ€™t mean you ignore your childโ€”you just donโ€™t react to the provocative behavior. Instead, acknowledge the underlying feeling: โ€œYou are mad that I took the iPad away,โ€ and move on.

Read Modern Parenting May Hinder Brain Development: Studies Suggest




8. Be responsive, not reactive (otherwise known as โ€œknow your triggers and manage your emotionsโ€). 

Anticipate what kinds of situations get you revved up and reactive and make a plan for how to calm yourself in order to make a thoughtful decision about how to respond to your child. It might mean taking a mommy/daddy time-out.

This principle for more positive parenting gives you a chance to calm down and think through the best way to respond while throwing a monkey wrench into what might otherwise become a heated back-and-forth. (It also sometimes has the very fortunate effect of stopping the child short in his tracksโ€”so shocked at your calm response!)

Taking this time-out can keep you from being reactive, give you time to think, and provide a very powerful model for exercising self-control. It is also a great tool for co-parents to avoid undermining each other and to allow time to come up with a united plan: โ€œHmmโ€ฆthis is a problem; you want ice cream but it is almost dinner time and that is not growing food. We need a minute to think about how to solve this problem.โ€

parenting

Once you have agreed on a plan, you let your child know what his choices are: โ€œWe know you love ice cream and want some now, but that is sweet for after dinner. Now your choices are apple slices or carrots.โ€

If he throws a big fit, you calmly and lovingly let him know you see he is unhappy about your decision and then moves on. Donโ€™t fear the tantrum! Being responsive is the key to positive parenting.

9. Avoid solving your childโ€™s problems. 

Itโ€™s a natural, human reaction not to want to see our children struggle. Our knee-jerk response is often to rescue our children or โ€œfixโ€ whatever is causing them distress. (One cry of frustration from my three-year-old challenged by a puzzle resulted in my instantaneous, mom-to-the-rescue responseโ€”fitting the pieces in their correct spaces to make him feel all betterโ€”setting a pattern of him relying on me to be the fixer for years to come.)



When parents repeatedly solve their childrenโ€™s problems, they are missing opportunities to help them develop the confidence that they can master new skills.

In helping make it all better so our children wonโ€™t feel bad about themselves, we are actually doing the opposite: we send the message that our children are not capable of mastering the challenges they face and that only adults can solve their problems.

Read 22 Hysterical Parenting Memes That Will Leave You In Splits

Discipline comes from the word disciple, which means to teach a follower or student. It has nothing to do with punishment, which has been shown to have negative long-term consequences for children far into adulthood.

When you approach limit-setting like that favorite teacher you had growing up, who was clear and firm but loving, who didnโ€™t shame you when you made a bad choice but helped you see the consequences of your actions and learn to make good decisions, you give your child a gift that keeps on giving.

Please share these principles for more positive parenting with anyone who you may think will find it valuable and helpful.



Written by: Claire Lerner
Pre-order her book coming out 9/2021: Why is My Child in Charge?
Originally appeared on: Lerner Child Development
Republished with permission
Principles Positive Parenting pin
Positive Parenting Pin


— Share —

Published On:

Last updated on:

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

Should Parents Set Consequences for Misbehavior or Not?

Should Parents Set Consequences For Misbehavior? Key Points

You want your child to grow up responsible and disciplined, but should you set consequences for misbehavior? Let’s learn the right balance between discipline and understanding.

Should we set consequences for our children when they don’t do what we want?

Key points

Research shows that physical punishment predicts negative outcomes in children.

Authoritative parenting has been found to be the most effective style that yields the happiest children.

Parents need to be able to tolerate their children being upset, disappointed, sad, or even angry with them.

Up Next

Does Gentle Parenting Work?

Does Gentle Parenting Style Work? Important Things To Know

Can setting firm boundaries with kindness raise well-behaved kids, or does it lead to entitlement and defiance? Let’s learn more about gentle parenting style!

A look at the data on gentle parenting.

Key points

The concept of Gentle Parenting is not based on scientific data.

Gentle Parenting does incorporate some very good parenting techniques.

Gentle Parenting may ask too much of parents.

What Is Gentle Parenting Style?

Up Next

Let Kids Be Kids? 6 Identifying Signs of Hurried Child Syndrome

Clear Hurried Child Syndrome Symptoms

Some of us felt the pressure to grow up too fastโ€ฆ meet deadlines, succeed academically, and always be on top of thingsโ€”before we were even ready. It turns out, this pressure is real for some children today, and itโ€™s called Hurried Child Syndrome. Letโ€™s explore more about this condition.

What Is Hurried Child Syndrome?

Wondering what is Hurried Child Syndrome? It re

Up Next

Hovering Too Hard? 7 Mistakes Parents Who Overparent Often Make

Mistakes Parents Who Overparent Make: Hovering Too Hard?

Itโ€™s easy for parents who overparent to fall into the trap of doing too much in the name of love and care. But sometimes, all that hovering and controlling can backfire in surprising ways. Letโ€™s break down the seven common mistakes and how to avoid them!

KEY POINTS

Overprotective parenting can have a negative impact on childrenโ€™s mental health and relationships.

If you recognize any of these signs in yourself, itโ€™s important to take steps to change your behavior.

Encourage your child to try new things, let them make mistakes, take risks, and solve problems on their own.

Up Next

Is Your Daughter in a Controlling Relationship? 9 Ways to Help Her Break Free

Daughter in a Controlling Relationship? Things You Can Do

Have you ever had a very strong gut feeling that your daughter might not be in a healthy relationship? Or that she is in a relationship with a controlling boyfriend? Today we are going to talk about what you can do, when you have a daughter in a controlling relationship.

Yeah, itโ€™s a tough pill to swallow. Bossy boyfriends sneakily isolate, manipulate and dim the light in the people they date. And if your daughter is dating someone like this, then it’s understandable how tough it can be to watch that.

However, there’s always light at the end of the tunnel – as her mother, you can help her break free from her controlling boyfriend. This isnโ€™t about swooping in like a superhero; itโ€™s about being smart, supportive, and steady.

First, let’s start with trying to understand who a controlling boyfriend

Up Next

8 Undeniable Signs She’s Destined to Be an A+ Mom

Qualities of a Good Mother That Guarantee A+ Parenting!

Moms are superheroes, plain and simple. But being a great mom isnโ€™t just about keeping the fridge stocked and making sure homework gets done. Itโ€™s about making your kids feel loved, valued, and truly understood. Moms are often the first and biggest influence in a childโ€™s life, shaping how they see themselves and the world.

Being a good mom is about way more than just keeping a kid alive (though, yes, thatโ€™s non-negotiable). Itโ€™s about showing up with love, wisdom, and that unshakable belief in her kidโ€™s potential. Moms help mold who we are and how we see the world.

Up Next

Divorce And Holidays: 5 Co-Parenting Tips To Help Kids Enjoy Christmas

Helpful Divorce And Holidays Coping Tips For Parents

The festive season is often described as the most wonderful time of the year. However, divorce and holidays can be tricky to navigate for some families, itโ€™s not only challenging for kids but also for their parents.

Children deserve to be in happy and healthy homes, a safe space to enjoy and make memories rather than facing bickering fights and drama.

If youโ€™re co parenting on Christmas, create a holiday season thatโ€™s joyful and comforting for your children. Below are five practical divorce and holidays coping tips to help your kids enjoy the festivities, even after a separation or divorce.