Having an abusive person as a partner or spouse is nothing short of a nightmare, but unfortunately, many people go through this ordeal every single day of their lives. Being with a toxic person who is always looking for new ways to torment you and abuse you is not just mentally and emotionally exhausting, it’s straight out dangerous.
There are so many people out there, who probably don’t have any options other than being with their abusers because they are helpless or financially dependent on them. If you are one of these victims, and you are trying to find ways to protect yourself from your tormentor, here are a few things you can do, to deal with this horrible situation you are in.
Here Are 8 Things You Can Do To Protect Yourself From An Abusive Person
1. Always be prepared.
When you are stuck with an abusive person, then the very first thing that you need to do is to keep yourself prepared. You can never be sure when things will escalate and take a dark turn, so it’s important that you know what to do when it does.
Prepare an emergency bag (in secret, of course) which will consist of some clothes, your car keys, medicines, money, credit card, shoes, and some food. Also make sure that your mobile phone is always fully charged so that you can contact helpline numbers, the police or your friends whenever you need it. In case you have children, teach them a code word or a safety word, to help them understand when to leave with you and not ask a ton of questions.
Planning everything ahead and being prepared for the future will help you escape as fast as you can when the time comes. However, make sure that you do all of this very carefully and inconspicuously so that your abuser doesn’t have an inkling about your plans.
2. Establish some boundaries.
When you are co-habiting with your abuser, it is important to set some boundaries. Almost all the time, an abuser absolutely hates it, when their victims try to explain themselves. If you feel that a conversation is going in the wrong direction and can become dangerous for you, then firmly, but calmly ask for some space and a time-out from your partner.
Yes, when you are being abused or when your abuser is saying horrible things to you, it can be mighty difficult to keep your calm. But right now, in this kind of situation that is probably the best thing that will save you and help you stay alive.
But in case, you notice that your tormentor is showing no signs of backing down and is increasingly becoming violent and aggressive, then know that it’s time for you to leave.
Related: Why You Should Set Boundaries In An Abusive Marriage
3. Indulge in some self-care.
Abuse isn’t always physical; it can be emotional, verbal, and mental too. Changing an abusive person or expecting them to change just because you love them does not always work. So, the best thing you can do for yourself in such a situation is to do everything you can to take care of yourself and love yourself.
Do what works for you the best, especially all those things that make you happy and calm. If you feel overwhelmed with all the negativity, then take a moment to deal with them. All your feelings are genuine and justified, and no, you are not overreacting and there is nothing wrong with you.
Be it reading books, dancing, taking your dog for a walk, cooking, or talking to your friends and family, do all those things that give you happiness, and provides you a respite from all the hurt and pain.
4. Stay with someone else.
One of the best things you can do for yourself and your children if you are in an abusive relationship is by staying with someone else. It can be your friend or even your family. Every minute that you are with your abuser, you are putting yourself at risk.
Of course, you cannot be open about that with your abuser, so create an excuse to live with your friends or some family member. Maybe your friend has an accident and she is all alone, and that is why she needs someone to look after her for a few days. Or your parents are not well, and they need you.
Whatever excuse you give, make sure that you say it with a lot of conviction and confidence. Abusive people are very good at detecting lies and pretense. If by any chance they catch your bluff, you will be in more danger than usual.
5. Look out for red flags.
Many people don’t even realize that they are living with an abuser, and tend to brush off all the mean things and the fights as something extremely normal. But it always starts from somewhere, and even before you realize it, you have become a victim of abuse.
Women tend to ignore red flags by convincing themselves that it’s all temporary, and they can change their partners. This is where you go wrong.
Some of the red flags that you should watch out for are the following:
- Emotionally manipulating you.
- Trying to make you feel guilty all the time.
- Control freak (deciding what you will wear, who you will talk to, what you will eat, etc.).
- Excessive possessiveness and jealousy.
- Threatening you and intimidating you all of the time.
- Pushing you away, dismissing you, or giving the silent treatment when they are upset.
Abusers always use power, control, and domination to torment their victims and make sure that you do what they want you to do, no matter what.
Related: 12 Red Flags You Are Being Psychologically Manipulated
6. Keep your finances in order.
Each day is unpredictable when you are stuck with an abusive person, so it is for the best if you have your own financial safety nest. Avoid having a joint bank account with your abuser, and even if you do, open a new one for yourself. If you ever have to leave suddenly, at least you will financially be sorted.
Having your own money will help you stay afloat on your own, and will also prevent you from going back to your abuser. This is especially helpful for all those victims who have children.
There have been many times when victims of abuse had no other option but to go back to their abusers, due to a lack of financial independence. Try to make sure that doesn’t happen to you.
7. Focus on getting support.
When things get too much and you feel like you just can’t take it anymore, then seek support from wherever you can. You can call up helpline numbers, talk to your friends, and also go for therapy. Several victims tend to have suicidal thoughts due to living with an abusive person, but that is never the solution.
When things seem too bleak, get in touch with qualified mental health professionals and experts so that they can help you through this. You can also contact many shelters that can talk to you and ease your pain.
8. Learn self-defense.
Self-defense can literally save your life, especially if you are stuck with a physically abusive person. Check out self-defense videos on YouTube or take private classes online, to equip yourselves with the best techniques. If your abuser tries to attack you or use violence against you in any way, you will be able to defend yourself.
You never know, your abuser might end up leaving you alone or stop tormenting you when they see that you can take care of yourself and hurt them at the same time. The moment you start pushing back and fighting back, they will back off, because for them, you are not weak anymore, and most of all, you are not a victim anymore.
Related: Living with Abuse: Why Didn’t I Ask for Help?
Being with an abusive person can be an absolute nightmare. but if you follow these pointers, you will not only be able to take care of yourself and your children, but you won’t have to be scared of them anymore. And the best way to defeat your abuser is to stop being scared of them, isn’t it?
Here are a few helpline numbers that you can contact if you are a victim of abuse, and you are living with an abuser:
1. National Domestic Violence Hotline Hotline: 1 (800) 799 – 7233 Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via phone and online chat. 2. StrongHearts Native Helpline Hotline: 1 (844) 762 – 8483 Available Monday through Friday, 9:00 am to 5:30 pm CST via phone. 3. Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender National Hotline Hotline: 1 (888) 843 – 4564 Youth Talkline: 1 (800) 246 – 7743 Senior Helpline: 1 (888) 234 – 7243 Email: help@LGBThotline.org Hours vary, available via phone and online chat. 4. Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) – National Sexual Assault Hotline Hotline: 1 (800) 656-4673 Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via phone and online chat. 5. ChildHelp National Child Abuse Hotline Hotline: 1 (800) 422 – 4453 Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via phone and text. 6. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via phone and online chat. 7. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) Helpline Hotline: 1 (800) 662 – 4357 Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via phone in English and Spanish 8. Department of Defense (DOD) Safe Helpline for Sexual Assault Hotline: 1 (877) 995 – 5247 Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via phone and online chat.
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