How To Cope When Someone You Love Has BPD

How To Cope When Someone You Love Has BPD

Do you know someone who suffers from BPD, and you are struggling to understand how you can help make things better for them?

If someone you love has BPD symptoms such as intense mood swings, fear of abandonment, emotional reactivity, self-harming and self- destructive behaviors, you may feel like you are being dragged into one storm after another, deprived of peace in your life and are left feeling powerless and increasingly hopeless.

If your loved one is recovering from complex childhood wounds or Complex PTSD, they probably experience reality differently than you do. It is helpful to gain some insights into how their world operates, thus make some sense of their behaviors.

In everyday situations, you may be feeling hurt or frustrated as your loved one seems to: constantly make an untrue accusation, are angry at you all the time, or blame you for things that are not your fault. Without understanding and support, this can be a painful and exhausting journey. Sometimes, it is hard to see or remember that their behaviors are not directed towards you but stem from their internal struggles.


Here are a few descriptions of psychological phenomena that they might be experiencing:

1. Feelings Are ‘too Real’:

Some psychologists call this ‘psychic equivalence’. Your loved one may forget that their feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and wishes are simply part of their mental activities. To them, their fear, anxiety, feelings of disgust, the thought that someone dislikes them… are all as real as reality. In other words, for them, the feeling of shame and self- badness can be experienced with such a level of intensity that it becomes destructive.


2. Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind

In psychology terminology, this is known as a lack of object constancy. Your loved one might have problems with holding onto a consistent mind image when it comes to relating to others. They struggle to have a sense of continuity and consistency of people in their lives.

They may experience terrible anxiety when people leave. There is a desperate need to hold onto the physical connection or to seek the reassurance of others’ love, because they may struggle to hold onto the concept of self without the help of others.

You may feel that you need to constantly remind them of the fact that you love and care for them. When you don’t, they may interpret this as you not caring for them anymore. This is because without you constantly reminding them, they have a hard time holding a sense of ‘loving presence’ in their mind. On the surface, this can come across as ‘clingy’, or extremely anxious behaviors in relationships.

Want to have a better idea about BPD? Read 10 Borderline Personality Disorder Facts That You Must Know


3. Extreme Sensitivity And Rage

Because of the lack of object constancy, you may find that your action is often being read as if there were no prior context and that your intention is being defined solely by how you last interacted with them. You may feel that whatever you say seem to trigger an intense rage, or that you are constantly being misinterpreted for what you say. This can also come across as a heightened sensitivity towards criticism.

However, it is important to not blame every conflict or misunderstanding of their difficulties regulating emotions.

Your loved one might be very intuitive. In fact, they may pick up your feelings or intention before you are aware of them. Acknowledging how you may have contributed to the conflict can defuse the rage and maybe the most constructive response.

If you suspect someone has BPD, it is often not helpful to directly confront his or her with the label. However, you can let them know about your concerns, provide linkages to relevant resources, and let them know that effective treatments are available when they are ready to reach out for help.

Share on

1 thought on “How To Cope When Someone You Love Has BPD”

  1. Amazing how you described me when I should have sought help. I have bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder and PTSD.
    At this point my illness has progressed to the point of feeling hopeless.
    I spend most of my time sitting alone and practicing destructive behaviors. Always looking for relief from my own thoughts. I don’t even who I am anymore. I don’t like me anymore.
    I am haunted daily by the memories of being sexually abused as a child.
    I just want to be loved but at this point I can’t love myself, much less give my worthless self to some good and decent person.
    I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused, the people I’ve let down.
    I forgive those who did this to me but I wish they could know the the extent of pain and the lifetime of anguish and confusion that this child has experienced.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Scroll to Top