Why “Agree to Disagree” Is Not An End, It’s A Beginning: 7 Reasons

reasons agree to disagree is not an end

It’s that familiar feeling of rising heart rate, that bolt of anxiety when someone we love or admire spouts ideas that we strongly oppose. Often these conversations end abruptly when one or both people exclaim in utter frustration, “Well, I guess we will have to agree to disagree.”

Who can blame us for this visceral reaction? Discussions about hard topics such as politics, religion, or social issues have ended decades-long friendships and eroded familial bonds. Talking about these things can feel like playing with fire.

The stakes don’t just feel high, they are high. These are not opinions about which breakfast cereal is best. These are our core values, our beliefs, and often our personal identities at stake. Most humans want the world to be better, but we often have drastically divergent visions of what that should look like.

It is in this space of sheer impasse that I ask you to linger.

Related: 5 Effective Steps For Conflict Reduction

Disagreement Is The Beginning

The trope “agree to disagree” is often the end of conversations. But what if it was the beginning? What if the point of the conversation is not to agree, but to have a conversation? What would happen if instead of trying to change or control each other, we focus on seeing and understanding each other?

I am a conflict transformation specialist. In my book and courses, I coach people facing difficult conversations to 1) resist using control, 2) embrace disagreement, and 3) focus on relationship- and community-building.

In other words, I recommend agreeing to disagree before the conversation starts. It can be incredibly helpful to begin a conversation with, “Yes, I will talk about this difficult subject with you. But how about we decide beforehand not to try to change each other’s minds?”

Here’s why this works.

7 Reasons Why “Agree to Disagree” Is Not an End, It’s a Beginning

1. Disagreement Is Healthy.

A society without disagreement is not a stable or free society. In order for our ideas to be strong, they need to be able to be challenged. When someone takes the time to disagree with us in a respectful way, we should work to welcome it as a gift and an opportunity to sharpen each other.

When we learn to be less threatened and more welcoming of disagreement, many times the quality of our conversations improves.

Related: 7 “Love-Saving” Words You Can Use For Handling Conflict

2. When We Debate To Win, Winning Becomes A Distracting Goal.

Unless we are arguing in a formal debate setting, it’s all too easy to focus on clap-backs and “gotcha” moments while losing sight of the bigger picture: mutual edification and growth. This is especially problematic when one party is naturally better or more experienced in debate skills than the other.

While debate has its place, it can be beneficial to set it aside.

healthy disagreements

3. It’s Important To Challenge Cultures Of Control.

When we attempt to change someone’s mind and they resist, it’s incredibly tempting to exert control and dominance. Control not only creates imbalances of power, but it fosters frustration and resentment (a phenomenon known as “reactance”) and erodes trust.

The stark truth of a free society is that we can’t control other people or force them to believe what we want. Such attempts are fundamentally unjust. Even if we think our ideas are righteous and flawless, employing control or manipulation dampens our cause, muddles our communication, and hurts chances we might have had at fair persuasion.

4. Changing Our Minds Is Hard And Uncomfortable.

According to cognitive dissonance theory, most of us experience tension and frustration when we are presented with new information that challenges our belief systems. Learning new information or a new point of view can set off a domino effect of other beliefs we hold that may also be challenged. Even our relationships can be challenged when we change our minds.

As we grapple with the dissonance of holding conflicting ideas at once, having someone attempt to control or force us into an agreement may exacerbate that tension. Under pressure, someone experiencing cognitive dissonance may be more likely to reject new information instead of grapple with it to its full and reasonable extent. In other words, changing our minds is hard enough without someone pressuring us to do so.

Related: The 5 Faces Of Fundamental Human Conflict

5. When We Suspend Our Need To Convert, We Make Space To Learn.

If I walk into a room where I know people are going to try to change me in any way, I am going to walk in defensively. However, if I walk into a room where I know I am allowed to disagree, and I will be treated with respect, I will not only be less defensive but it’s also more likely that I will be interested to learn about what others think as well.

When our guards can come down and we understand a broad range of ideological choices are available to us, our curiosity can thrive.

6. Reasoning With Each Other Strengthens Relationships.

As we learn to engage in an impasse, we will have more opportunities to give credit where it’s due. Statements like, “You make a good point…” “I agree with you that…” and “That’s something we share in common…” are powerful ways to show a conversation partner we are reasonable and well-meaning.

Demonstrating that we want to believe the best about someone boosts respect and collaboration.

7. Persuasion And Sharing Power Must Co-Exist.

True persuasion—ethical persuasion—does not attempt to shame or dominate. It invites conversation, arguing passionately and wholeheartedly for a belief, but stops short of overpowering or manipulating.

When the goal is to share power, not to hoard power, we invite transformation and strengthen relationships instead of tearing them down. Even if we never agree, we will have built relationships that can better handle disagreement—and that is a worthy endeavor in and of itself.

In short, how do we make talking about hard things less horrible and scary?

The answer lies in the simple art of discussion. Not converting, not dominating, not shaming, not rejecting, not name-calling, not controlling, not debating, not forcing agreement or resolution.

Related: 5 Ways To Stay Calm During An Argument With Your Spouse

Simply. Talking.

Letting people around us be where they are and meeting them there. Asking them to see us, as we see them. Appreciating their values, seeing their feelings, their worries, their fears. Giving them credit where it’s due. Showing kindness even across great difference and frustration.

The learning that can come from this kind of communication is tremendous. When we throw off animosity and choose to meet each other in respect, we create a shame-free environment for anyone to say, “You know, I never thought about it that way.” In such a space, growth and education are the focus, not winning or losing.

People are able to change their minds freely, because they want to, not because they are submitting to a dominant force. Therefore, appreciating a new perspective doesn’t have to threaten their pride.

Strangely enough, letting go of the need for control can sometimes bring us the agreement we most desire. And if it doesn’t, at the very least, we will have had a great conversation.

References:

Martin, Melody Stanford. "What is Conflict Transformation?" BraveTalkProject.com, December 29, 2019. https://bravetalkproject.com/what-is-conflict-transformation/

Vollmer, A., & Vetter, A. (2017). "Disagreement as an opportunity, not a threat [Review of the book Constructive controversy: Theory, research, practice, by D. W. Johnson]." Peace and Conflict: Journal of Peace Psychology, 23(2), 191–192. https://doi.org/10.1037/pac0000242

Steindl, et al. "Understanding Psychological Reactance: New Developments and Findings" Zeitschrift für Psychologie 2015; 223(4): 205–214. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4675534/

Buckley, Thea. "What happens to the brain during cognitive dissonance?" Scientific American Mind 26, 6, 72 (November 2015) doi:10.1038/scientificamericanmind1115-72b https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/what-happens-to-the-brain-during-cognitive-dissonance1/

McLead, Saul. "Cognitive Dissonance Theory" SimplyPsychology.org, Feb 5, 2018 https://www.simplypsychology.org/cognitive-dissonance.html.

Inesi, et al. "Power and choice: their dynamic interplay in quenching the thirst for personal control" Psychol Sci. 2011 Aug;22(8):1042-8. doi: 10.1177/0956797611413936. Epub 2011 Jun 24. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21705519/

Contact Melody at melodystanfordmartin.com. for such informative articles.


Written By Melody Stanford Martin   
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today   
reasons agree to disagree is not an end pin
Ads

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *



Up Next

Feeling Miserable At Work? 10 Tips On How To Cope In A Job You Hate And Protect Your Mental Health

Hate Your Job? Tips On How To Cope In A Job You Hate

Do you hate your job? Do you feel trapped and suffocated all day at work? Do you feel mentally and emotionally exhausted once you clock out? If so, then here’s exactly what you need – how to cope in a job you hate.

Being the responsible adult that you are, you know you still need to pay the bills, regardless of how much you may hate your job. So immediately leaving a terrible job that you hate might not be the most practical option for most of us. So you tell yourself to pull your socks up and try harder. But the more you force yourself, the worse you feel.

Your mental and emotional well-being has gone down the drain. You have no idea where your career is going. You sulk all day at work. You zone out at times. You distract yourself with social media. Y



Up Next

8 Signs You Are On The Wrong Path In Life

Signs You Are On The Wrong Path In Life

Life is a very unpredictable thing, with its many twists and turns and unexpected changes, and sometimes we find ourselves walking on the wrong path. It’s like you took a small detour, and suddenly you find yourself on the opposite side of where you were meant to be! In this article, we are going to talk about the signs you are on the wrong path in life.

In our busy and rapidly changing world, it’s important to stay focused, and live a life that aligns with your dreams, aspirations, and goals.

So, if you relate to these eight signs you are on the wrong path in life, then don’t worry, because once you understa



Up Next

Say No To Being Drama Queen: 7 Ways How To Stop Being Dramatic And Embrace Inner Peace

How To Stop Being Dramatic: Tips For A Peaceful Life

Are you addicted to drama in relationships and life? Do you find yourself creating drama unintentionally? Do people say you are overly dramatic? Then it might be time that you learn how to stop being dramatic.

Many people struggle with dramatic tendencies, but the good news is that you have the power to break free from this cycle. Today, we will explore the signs of a dramatic person, the potential reasons behind this behavior, and most importantly, practical steps on how to stop being dramatic and cultivate a more peaceful and fulfilling life.

Are You Addicted to Drama?



Up Next

Gone Mentally AWOL: Why You Mentally Check Out Of Life And How To Re-Engage

Do You Mentally Check Out Of Life? Tips to Re-Engage

Have you ever found yourself physically present but mentally absent? You go through the motions, but your mind seems to have wandered off to another universe. Do you often disengage and mentally check out? 

Being emotionally checked out of life can occur in various aspects of our lives, whether at work, in relationships, or during everyday activities. 

Today, we will explore what does it mean to be mentally checked out, its potential consequences, and most importantly, how to stop being mentally checked out and regain focus and engagement.

What Does It Mean to be Mentally Checked Out? 



Up Next

How To Manifest Friendship: 11 Steps To Cultivate Meaningful Relationships Through The Power Of Intention

How To Manifest Friendship: Steps for Authentic Bonds

Have you ever wondered how some people effortlessly attract friends into their lives while others struggle to forge deep connections? While it may seem like some individuals possess a natural talent for attracting friends, the truth is that anyone can learn how to manifest friendship. 

Friendship is a beautiful aspect of human existence that brings joy, support, and a sense of belonging. Manifesting friendships isn’t really rocket science. So let us learn how to attract new friends and build more genuine and positive connections.

How to Manifest Friendship: 11 Ways to Attract New Friends



Up Next

Battling Post Graduation Depression: 7 Powerful Strategies To Crush Post-Grad Blues After College

Coping with Post Graduation Depression: Powerful Tips

Did you experience a mix of excitement and uncertainty after completing your graduation? The transition from the structured world of academia to the uncharted territory of post-graduation life can be overwhelming. This can lead to a rollercoaster of emotions, including post-graduation depression.

Let us explore what is post grad depression, its symptoms, and most importantly, effective strategies on how to overcome post graduation depression. So, if you’re a recent graduate struggling to find your footing, keep reading – there is hope on the other side!

What is Post Grad Depression?

Post graduation depression, also known as post grad



Up Next

When Life Feels Meaningless: 16 Mindful Practices To Break Free Of Darkness And Thrive

Tips on What to Do When Life Feels Meaningless

Do you feel your life has no purpose? Do you think life feels meaningless? Have you ever experienced a sense of emptiness? Maybe there is a feeling that life lacks meaning and direction. If so, you’re not alone. At some point in our lives, many of us grapple with the existential question of “What is the purpose of it all?” 

The feeling that life feels meaningless can be distressing and disheartening. However, it’s important to remember that this state is not permanent and that there are steps we can take to navigate through it. 

Let us explore why life sometimes feels meaningless, what gives life meaning, and practical strategies on what to do when life feels meaningless to reclaim a sense of purpose when faced with this existential challenge.