5 Ways To Stay Calm During An Argument With Your Spouse


Ways To Stay Calm During An Argument With Your Spouse

Fights, arguments, anger, and frustration are common things that are bound to happen in any relationship, in fact it is said that non argument can be a sign of unhealthy, secretive relationship. But sometimes in an argument we tend to loose the control we have and behave in a disrespectful, toxic way which we later repent.

That is the time when you should stay calm and control your anger. However, there are some ways to stay calm that lead to a productive argument.

Knowing how to stay calm during an argument with your spouse might be just the key to marital happiness.

I mean, how many of us have been in a knock-down drag-out with our spouse that got us absolutely nowhere? Both of us yelling and screaming and throwing out accusations and blame.

How productive do you find those fights? Not at all, I am guessing. How do they work for your marriage? Not well, I am guessing.

There are ways to stay calm during an argument with your spouse. Knowing them, and putting them into action, will help your arguments be more productive and hopefully prevent you needing to hash things out over and over and over.

Here are my 5 tried and true ways to stay calm during an argument with your spouse.

1. Take deep breaths.

I know that this seems like a cliché but taking deep breaths is an essential part of managing any stressful situation.

When we are stressed out, our body goes into fight or flight mode. When that happens, our blood goes to our adrenal system, away from our brain, and our ability to think clearly is clouded.

To counteract this cloudiness, take a deep breath. Taking a deep breath will bring some of that blood back to your brain, allowing you to think more clearly and to stay calm.

As an example, picture yourself on the highway, trying to pass a tractor trailer. I am guessing that you, like me, are gripping onto the steering wheel for dear life, holding your breath as you do so.

I have discovered that, if I take a deep breath as I pass, my heart stops pounding and I loosen the grip on the wheel and sail by the truck unscathed. Try it – you will see what I mean. So, as you work to stay calm during an argument with your spouse, remember to take deep breaths. It will make a huge difference.

Read: How to Control Your Emotions When They Are Out of Control

2. Step back but don’t storm out.

A friend of mine once told me that before I react to something that someone has done to me, take 2 hours and see if it is still an issue. If you find that it still is, talk to them about it. And if you do, I am guessing that you will find yourself calmer than you might have if you had gotten into it right away.

Sometimes it’s impossible to take 2 hours before you address an issue with your spouse but the key here is to take a step back to calm down and to reassess. I don’t mean to storm off in a huff but to pause, go walk the dog and consider next steps.

Does the issue warrant a huge fight? What is your role in all of this? Will having a knock down drag out really change anything or would a conversation be more productive?

Yesterday I was a furious at my step-father’s new girlfriend for throwing away my mom’s stuff. I reached for the phone to rip her a new one. But then I told myself to pause, finish what I was doing, and then see if I wanted to reach out.

2 hours later I was able to craft a text message that addressed my issues briefly and succinctly. I was able to walk away from the issue knowing that I had kept my calm and reminded her that she violated an existing agreement that she wouldn’t throw my mom’s things away.

So, take some time before you flip out. You will be happy you did.

3. Don’t take things personally.

For many of us, when we are having an argument with our spouse, we tend to take what they are saying personally, as if their words were a personal attack on who we are as a person. And when we are attacked, we tend to go on the defensive and lose our cool. No one wants to be attacked as a person, after all.

I have a client who, every time she and her spouse got into something, she immediately reverted back to the idea that he blamed her for everything that was at issue. That he was judging her for whatever had happened and that he thought her incapable of handing things.

As result, their arguments would get out of control and were, therefore, completely unproductive.

When you are arguing with your spouse and your mind starts to go there, to take things personally, step back and see if that is what your partner is really saying. Are they really blaming and judging you for what is happening or are they frustrated and angry and sharing those feelings but not making it all about you?

If you can recognize that what your partner is saying isn’t a personal attack, it will help you stay calm at the moment.

Read: How to No Longer Take Things Personally

4. Don’t hold onto soundbites.

Stay Calm
5 Ways To Stay Calm During An Argument With Your Spouse

You know when you and your spouse are going at it and someone says something that is stupid and thoughtless. Something that perhaps they didn’t mean but they said it in the heat of the moment. Something that you zero in on as a weapon in the fight going forward.

Holding onto things that are said in the heat of the moment will only cause you to spiral to a dark place.

Imagine if you are in a fight with your spouse and you say something like ‘You always do this. You are a mama’s boy and always put her needs first.’ While you might mean this sentiment, that you feel like your husband makes his mother a priority over you, the fact that you called your spouse a ‘mama’s boy’ could be something that your husband zeros in on to hold over your head during the argument.

So, instead of the fight being about his priorities and making attempts to make a change, it spirals into one about how horrible your words are around his relationship with his mother.

Which will get you nowhere.

So, make an effort to let go of the sound bites. I am guessing that you didn’t truly mean that your husband was a ‘mama’s boy’ but, unless your partner can let those words go, the fight will devolve into being about them completely.

5. Don’t raise your voice.

Finally, an essential part of how to stay calm during an argument with your spouse is working to not raise your voice.

When we yell, our body chemistry changes. Our emotional brain takes over, our stress reaction is stimulated and our fight or flight instincts comes rushing in. And when this happens, all hell can break loose.

Instead of yelling, I would encourage you to take those deep breaths and to step away so that you can regain your composure. If you continue to yell, not only will your partner be in high alert mode and be unable to hear your words but they might shut down completely and go silent. Both of those things will get you nowhere.

Read: How to be Patient – Staying Calm Under Pressure

If you can work hard to keep yourself from yelling it will help your argument not become a screaming mess where nothing gets worked out.

Knowing how to stay calm during an argument with your spouse is a key to keeping the disagreements productive so that they don’t have to happen again and again and again.

I am guessing that if you are reading this article, you are eager to change the pattern in your marital spats. So, remember to take deep breaths so that you can think clearer, step away for a moment, or an hour, to reassess. To try not to take things personally and hold on to soundbites. And try, really hard, not to yell.

I know that you can do this. We all can make a change with awareness.

Now that you have it you are ready to start making those disagreements productive and make real change in your relationship.

Written By: Mitzi Bockmann
Ways To Stay Calm During An Argument With Your Spouse pin
5 Ways To Stay Calm During An Argument With Your Spouse

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Up Next

Codependence and Interdependence: What Truly Sets Them Apart?

Codependence and Interdependence: What Truly Sets Them Apart?

The question ‘What is the difference between codependence and interdependence?’ In reality, it asks whether a relationship is dysfunctional or healthy. Well, in today’s Best Day Blog, I will be taking you through the differences between the two and how to recover from codependency.

Dysfunctional Relationships

I talk a lot about what dysfunctional relationships can look like, but how do you develop a healthy relationship, and what does a healthy one look like?

Unfortunately, the idea of relationships we all grow up with from movies and TV is unhealthy. The relationships shown are romanticized

Up Next

10 Riveting Movies About Broken Marriages: How Love Crumbles Over Time

Best Movies About Broken Marriages: How Love Dies

Marriage is supposed to represent love and commitment, but it’s not always a fairy tale. Below are some of the movies about broken marriages that challenge the “happily ever after” stereotype!

Sometimes, things start falling apart — from within or without — and this is frequently caused by different pressures and conflicts.

Broken marriage movies have taken up this subject widely, giving us stories that are sad, or even hopeful around relationships.

Below you’ll find ten such unhappy marriage movies that show how love can breakdown and be turbulent – each films look at human

Up Next

Friendship Marriage: Japan’s Latest Relationship Trend Explained

Friendship Marriage: Japan's Latest Marriage Trend Explained

Friendship marriage is the latest relationship trend taking the world by storm, and it’s got everyone talking. Forget the traditional notions of romance and commitment; these couples are rewriting the rules of marriage and how!

This unique approach has not only got people talking, but it’s also challenging many societal norms when it comes to marriage, romantic relationships, physical intimacy and cohabitation.

So, are you ready to unravel what the friendship marriage in Japan is all about? Let’s go then.

Related: 5 Simple Ways To Strengthen The Friendship In Your Marriage<

Up Next

Should I Start a Family? 10 Reasons That Might Convince You

Should I Start a Family? Reasons That Might Convince You

Two paths are diverging before you at a crossroads. You can either continue with your present life which has the comforts you know so well, or you could choose the other path which goes into the unknown. 

The decision to start a family is one of those big adventures in life that leaves us breathless with awe; it is filled with twists and turns and love upon love.

This article takes you on an exciting journey of decoding parenthood: an adventure that is both daunting and thrilling, and joyous as well as demanding.

Whether it is from the depths of unconditional love or soaring heights of leaving a lasting impact, each reason acts as a lighthouse in this respect.

Therefore, let’s examine these 10 reasons why to start a family!

Up Next

8 Questions To Ask Yourself If You Want To Avoid Marrying The Wrong Person

Marrying The Wrong Person? Important Questions To Ask

Picture this: you’re standing at the altar, surrounded by beaming friends and family, moments away from saying “I do” to the person who you thought was your soulmate and the love of your life. But deep down, you can’t ignore the nagging feeling that something doesn’t feel right. Could it be possible that you’re marrying the wrong person?

The fear of marrying the wrong person lingers in the hearts of many, and it’s a fear worth exploring, because this is your life we are talking about. In this article, we’ll dive into eight essential questions that you should ask yourself before taking that leap into forever.

So, grab a cup of coffee, get comfortable, and let’s unravel how to avoid marrying the wrong person.

Up Next

63 Conversation Starters For Deep Dialogues With Your Partner

Conversation Starters For Deep Dialogues With Your Partner

Why conversation starters? Over time conversations with your partner might begin to feel shallow and focused more on the daily grind than topics that actually matter. This is normal. It’s probably not a dangerous red flag that your relationship is about to end, but it is likely unsatisfying and monotonous.

It’s quite easy to reignite the spark with your partner by enjoying deeper and more meaningful conversations just by becoming more intentional in carving out time to talk.

We all know that communication is key to a healthy relationship, but let’s be honest; talking about what’s for dinner or whose turn it is to walk the dog just won’t cut it.

If you’re yearning for a deeper connection, it’s worth dedicating ten to fifteen minutes a day to one of the most important people in your life.

Up Next

When You Outgrow Love: What Is Grey Divorce And How To Thrive After

What Is Grey Divorce and How to Redefine Your Story

Divorce is never an easy decision to make. But sometimes life happens and you have to do the unimaginable. Grey divorce is one such experience that can feel like an unthinkable decision, yet, you know you just need to take the step. But what is grey divorce?

In life, at a certain stage we may feel that it is absolutely crucial that we start over, not only to survive but also to thrive. It becomes necessary that we step into the unknown regardless how scary or irrational it may sound. And the same goes for a marriage. 

Even if you may have shared a lifetime together and created lasting memories and experiences, a divorce may be the only option left for a happier, healthier and better life. That’s the reality for an increasing number of couples who find themselves in the realm of “grey divorce.”