4 Questions You Need To Ask Before Getting Back Together


questions ask before getting back together

If you are thinking of getting back together with your ex, then it’s probably a good idea to ask yourself a few questions, before taking the leap. These questions will help you get a lot of clarity about whether or not you should go ahead with your wish of getting back together with them.

It had been eight months since Evelyn’s relationship ended, and the more time passed, the more she missed her ex-boyfriend. She wanted to know whether they could reunite and share with each other the comfort and acceptance they’d grown accustomed to; maybe this time around, they wouldn’t fight as much and she could finally become satisfied with the subdued love their relationship offered her.

But Evelyn always felt as though something had been missing in their relationship of two years, something she couldn’t quite put her finger on, but desperately wanted to discover.

Day after day, Evelyn’s mind wandered to the same question: Should she get back together with her ex?

Research shows that between one-half to two-thirds of us will experience an on-again, off-again relationship, while the rest are able to make a clean break or don’t break up at all.

For those who decide to reunite with an ex, the future isn’t typically very bright: Research shows that partners in recurring relationships are less satisfied in their revisited relationship—less satisfied with their partner, more likely to report negative attributes about their relationship (such as having communication problems or feeling considerable uncertainty about the future), and much less likely to report feeling love and understanding, as compared to partners who never broke up.

“Reuniters” also tend to suffer from lower self-esteem than more securely attached counterparts and consistently make decisions that adversely affect their revisited relationship. Worse, even after a commitment like marriage, the on-again, off-again relationship cycle tends to continue, with the quality of the relationship diminishing with each breakup. 

Despite these limitations, research shows that the urge to reunite is kept strong by lingering feelings, one-sided breakups, not dating other people after a breakup, and feeling as though the on-and-off nature of the relationship actually improves it. If the breakup is mutual or we feel uncertainty about the relationship, it decreases our willingness to reunite with an ex.

If your desire to return to a past partner is strong, answer these four questions before going back.

Here Are The 4 Questions You Need To Ask Before Getting Back Together

1. Why Did You Break Up?

Breaking up on the grounds of distance (where you or your partner needed to relocate for a new job) or a large misunderstanding (where outside forces like in-laws meddle in an otherwise healthy relationship) are very different reasons for terminating a relationship than more serious issues. If you broke up because of infidelity, abuse, toxic behaviors, or incompatibility, then getting back together is not in your best interest.

Though it may not always feel like it, breaking up to get out of a relationship that leaves you feeling devalued ultimately ensures that in the long-term you will be healthier and happier, either single or with another partner. The happiness that comes from staying in a toxic relationship is fleeting and will not last, at least not without ample therapy, hard work, consideration, and understanding.

Carefully consider your reasons for breaking up, and whether your relationship is genuinely bound to be healthy in the long run if you reunite.

Related: If You Broke Up For Any Of These 11 Reasons, Getting Back Together Is The Best Thing To Do

2. Are You Going Back For The Right Reasons?

Going back to a relationship because of extrinsic reasons, such as your partner providing you with a home, car, money, job, or other material goods will not make an intrinsically rewarding relationship. Similarly, if you feel emotionally dependent on your partner, meaning he or she provides you with the positive emotion and motivation you need to get through your day, or you simply feel lonely without a partner—any partner—your relationship is unlikely to last in a mutually healthy way.

If going back to your ex is a matter of not wanting to take responsibility—financial, emotional, or otherwise—speak to friends, family, community members, or professionals who can help you find the necessary tools and resources to become more independent.

Reuniting with an ex should only be an option if you genuinely feel love for him or her and believe you will be able to provide each other with the mutual, positive support needed to build a satisfying, respectful, and lasting relationship together—not because you are dependent on them.

Related: When You Thought You Two Had A Future Together

3. Are You Truly Committed To Making It Work?

Re-entering a relationship with an ex should only be considered if you are truly committed to making the changes necessary to create a valuable relationship. That means uncovering and discussing all of the reasons it didn’t work before and improving upon them by developing new skills surrounding relationship maintenance, coping, and communication.

This is usually best done under the guidance of an experienced couples therapist. Committing to the improvements you and your partner will need to make, and holding each other accountable, will help ensure long-term love.

Remember: If you carry the bricks from your past relationship to the new one, you will build the same house. Don’t go back if it is merely to restore the negative intricacies and patterns of your past relationship; it is ultimately a waste of time and unfair to you and your partner.

4. Is Your Partner On The Same Page?

While you may be fully motivated to rebuild your relationship and believe you can make it work, if your ex-partner is not as fully dedicated to repairing your relationship, it is unlikely to succeed.

Before jumping in with both feet, openly discuss your ex-partner’s thoughts, feelings, desires, and his or her willingness to rebuild the relationship, and what revisiting it means for him or her.

Related: What The Desire To Go Back To Your Ex Says About You


© Mariana Bockarova, PhD

Dailey, R. M., Hampel, A. D., & Roberts, J. B. (2010). Relational maintenance in on-again/off-again relationships: An assessment of how relational maintenance, uncertainty, and commitment vary by relationship type and status.
Communication Monographs, 77(1), 75-101. Dailey, R. M., Pfiester, A., Jin, B., Beck, G., & Clark, G. (2009).
On‐again/off‐again dating relationships: How are they different from other dating relationships? Personal Relationships, 16(1), 23-47. Dailey, R. M., Jin, B., Pfiester, A., & Beck, G. (2011).
On-again/off-again dating relationships: what keeps partners coming back? The Journal of Social Psychology, 151(4), 417-440.
Vennum, A., Lindstrom, R., Monk, J. K., & Adams, R. (2014). “It’s complicated” The continuity and correlates of cycling in cohabiting and marital relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 31(3), 410-430.

Written By Mariana Bockarova Originally Appeared In Psychology Today

Questions Ask Before Getting Back Together pin
Questions Ask Before Getting Back Together
questions ask before getting back together pin
4 Questions You Need To Ask Before Getting Back Together

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Up Next

The Pebbling Love Language: Inspired By Penguins To Transform Relationships

What Is Pebbling Love language? Tips To Spark Love

For some people love doesn’t mean big actions and expensive presents, but rather small things matter the most to them. So here’s pebbling love language – inspired by penguins. Let’s find out if you have this language of love without even knowing it.

What Is Pebbling Love language?

To attract a partner, male Gentoo penguins offer female penguins little stones or pebbles, to help build their nests.

Although humans don’t exchange rocks as a token of love, but the idea of penguin pebbling love language operates on the same basic principle of making someo

Up Next

Can TikTok’s ‘Meeting Someone Twice Theory’ Really Lead To Love?

Meeting Someone Twice Theory: Best Examples

Has a person ever crossed your path and then reappeared at another point in your life, causing you to feel like you have some kind of unexplainable bond with them? According to the newest idea from TikTok, Meeting Someone Twice Theory – is a meaningful thought that says love often needs a second chance.

So let’s learn how the universe might be making these things happen on purpose.

What Is The Meeting Someone Twice Theory?

You meet someone in passing at a coffee shop, party or on the street. You exchange fleeting pleasantries, maybe share a laugh or a conversation, and then life goes on as usual.

But then, weeks or months or years later, you cross paths again and th

Up Next

How To Forgive A Cheater And Move Forward: A Relationship Guide

How To Forgive A Cheater And Move On: A Relationship Guide

Trying to forgive a cheater can be one of the toughest challenges in a relationship, but it’s not impossible. Here’s a guide to help you heal your heart and move forward with confidence, grace and peace.

Did you know that around forty percent of unmarried relationships and twenty-five percent of marriages have at least one instance of infidelity?

If your partner has cheated on you, you’re not alone. Betrayal can be one of the most painful experiences in a relationship.

But it’s important to remember that forgiveness is not about excusing the behavior or forgetting what happened. It’s about letting go of the hurt and anger so that you can move forward.

In this guide, you will learn practical steps for how to forgive a cheater, inc

Up Next

7 Common Trauma Beliefs Preventing You From Finding Love

Common Trauma Beliefs Preventing You From Finding Love

Are you still single, even after putting in a lot of effort to find love? The answer might lie in your trauma beliefs. Yes, you heard me right. Trauma beliefs are the deep-seated, often subconscious notions formed from past painful experiences that shape how you see yourself and relationships, in general.

Beliefs caused by trauma can act as invisible barriers, keeping you from finding and maintaining love. If you are tired of feeling stuck in the same old patterns, it’s time to dig into these 7 trauma beliefs that might be sabotaging your love life.

So, are you ready to know all the ways trauma is keeping you single? Come on, let’s find out together.


Up Next

3 Relationship Check In Questions On Love, According To A Psychologist

Relationship Check In Questions For Couples In Love

It’s common for us to push relationships down our list of priorities when we get busy. We think we’ll make up for lost time later, assuming everything will be fine. But what if everything isn’t fine? Below are 3 crucial relationship check in questions for couples to make life simpler!

According to a recent publication of Current Issues in Personality Psychology, discussions were shown to be an effective strategy for solving disagreements and improving the quality of relationships.

So, a monthly relationship relationship check in questions can help keep your love boat afloat. Once a month, you and your partner can sit across from each other and talk. It isn’t about pointing fingers or finding fault; it’s about feeding the connection

Up Next

8 Clear Signs Someone Cares About You (Even If They Don’t Always Express It)

Unmistakable Signs Someone Cares About You

Are you confused about whether they genuinely care about you? Well, this article will take you through 8 unmistakable signs someone cares about you deeply, even though they do not always express it.

There is an ancient saying that actions speak louder than words. An expression like that tends to stick around for a reason, and this one does make a lot of sense. In our increasingly chaotic and noisy world, it’s easy to forget that some people struggle to verbalize their feelings. But remember, still waters run deep.

Just because someone struggles to express their feelings in words doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. Actually, the real clues are buried within their actions. Look out for these telltale signs to know if someone cares about you genuinely:

Up Next

Codependence and Interdependence: What Truly Sets Them Apart?

Codependence and Interdependence: What Truly Sets Them Apart?

The question ‘What is the difference between codependence and interdependence?’ In reality, it asks whether a relationship is dysfunctional or healthy. Well, in today’s Best Day Blog, I will be taking you through the differences between the two and how to recover from codependency.

Dysfunctional Relationships

I talk a lot about what dysfunctional relationships can look like, but how do you develop a healthy relationship, and what does a healthy one look like?

Unfortunately, the idea of relationships we all grow up with from movies and TV is unhealthy. The relationships shown are romanticized