Think you can make it work?
When you first broke up, you may have never thought you’d consider getting back together — or maybe you did. But if you’re now wondering, “Should I get back with my ex?”, there’s a lot you should consider before starting a new relationship with your former boyfriend or girlfriend.
It can work.
For example, Justin Bieber got engaged to his ex Hailey Baldwin back in July … right after they’d broken up and dated other people. Their history was likely part of the reason the were almost instantly engaged once they got back together.
And they were far from the first couple realize they’d already found true love when they got back together with their ex.
Adam Levine and Behati Prinsloo were also exes. Adam dated other Victoria’s Secret models but couldn’t get his mind off Behati, and even ghosted one of his model ladies. Then, he suddenly got engaged to Behati and now they have 2 children, are still completely in love, and are dedicated to each other and their family
Like these celebrity couples, should you get back with your ex, too, or if you do will your “re-relationship” be doomed?
While some say revisiting the past is never a good idea, that it must have ended for a reason or that the two of you broke up because you were broken as a couple, it might be time to re-think all that.
If you want to know how you can happily and successfully get back together with you ex, what it really comes down is the reasons why you broke up in the first place.
If you and your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend broke up for any of these 11 reasons, might want to consider getting back together and seeing if you’re still in love with each other.
1. You met while you were with someone else.
And though you thought you were ready when you finally got together, the fact is that you still had some serious healing to do. You simply weren’t in a healthy place to pursue this new relationship, regardless of how right he was for you in general, the time was wrong.
2. You were in a time of transition with your career.
Leaving little time or energy to focus on the relationship.
3. You didn’t realize what you had.
Or how much you loved them until they were gone.
4. You weren’t ready for something so real, intense, and consuming.
At least, not yet.
5. You were still emotionally tied to an unhealthy ex.
You weren’t ready yet to open your heart to someone else, regardless of the fact that your ex was awful and the guy in front of you was pretty great.
6. You still had some growing, learning, exploring, and self-discovery to do.
And you’ve used your time apart to do that.
7. You tried imposing a timeframe on the relationship.
You were ready for a proposal, marriage, and kids, but he wasn’t ready — to move at your speed. So you left to find someone else who was on your schedule.
8. You had some issues that you needed to come to terms with and heal from.
And you have done so.
9. You were still in the “fun” phase of dating.
You weren’t ready to “settle down” with the one. Now you are.
10. You confused what you wanted with what you needed.
You thought about finding a hot guy with lots of money and who’s tons of fun was more important than one who is emotionally and financially supportive, nurturing, and understanding. Your priorities were off, and you’ve straightened them out.
11. You weren’t happy with yourself.
You were looking outside of yourself for someone to make you happy, and didn’t understand that no matter whose arms you were in, you would still felt empty and alone if you didn’t make some key changes.
If any of these situations applies to you, you then need to look at how the two of you spent this time apart.
It’s important that you’ve learned what it takes to be in a healthy, lasting relationship. That you’ve changed and gotten clear about who you are and what your needs are. That you aren’t a fool rushing in with just anyone anymore.
It should be plain to you that being with “someone” or “anyone” will no longer cut it, and that you’re ready for “the one.”
You also should be happy and fulfilled just as you are, knowing that having a partner to share this life with will simply make it that much sweeter.
And, you should have realized that the person you’ve been looking for in everyone else is the person who’s been in the back of your mind the entire time.
Every relationship leaves its mark, and every experience has a lesson to teach.
You may have needed to gather more insight through the lens of other relationships in order to move into the emotional maturity to be ready for the right person, that person who came into your life too soon — your ex.
It’s easier now to move the relationship forward, even if you haven’t spoken in months or even years. Because there is a comfort level since you know each other, so it might be easier to get into real conversations quickly and dig into the core of the issues that broke you up in the first place
Oftentimes, when you break up with one person in order to get into a relationship with someone new, you are trading your ex’s known issues for your new beau’s unknown new issues. But if you get back with an ex, you already know the issues. You know what you are signing up for and what it will take in order to make it work this time around.
If those issues contributed to the end of your relationship the last time around, they must be either accepted or addressed.
Maybe the time away gave you a new perspective. Maybe you did some work, had some therapy or coaching, did some soul searching, redefined your priorities, or grew up and realized that you are actually OK with your ex’s baggage, idiosyncrasies, weirdness, problems, weaknesses, personality differences, and lifestyle disagreements.
Or maybe the time away gave them the opportunity to reevaluate themselves, do the work, re-prioritize, change, grow up, evolve, and get to a better place, as well as accept your issues.
Regardless, something has to give — either the issues or your attitude around them.
The damage that remains after the breakup of a relationship doesn’t just disappear because you decide to reappear. You must first fix the distrust and issues that tore you apart in the first place.
You need to go backward before you can move forward.
Depending on the circumstances of who left whom, why, and how long ago it happened, there are crucial things that must happen in order to establish a solid foundation for the relationship.
If you want to get back together with your ex, take these critical next steps:
- Acknowledge and attempt to first fix the root of problem
- Acknowledge the damage that leaving may have caused
- Be empathetic with one another, and try to put yourself in each other’s shoes
- Re-build trust
- Create new healthy habits as a couple
When getting back with your ex, you need to realize that this is not a new rosy relationship.
Whether the issue that broke you up was cheating, losing interest, bad timing or something else, you broke up because you were broken, not bent, and you need to take a hard look at whether or not there’s enough glue in the world to repair you as a couple.
Before you can move forward, you have to address the issues, fix the break, and regain trust.
Now, get back with that ex and what your “new” relationship has to offer!
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Written by Laurel House
Dating & Relationship Coach for Men and Women
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