Studies have shown that a few years into a relationship or marriage tends to result in low sexual desire in couples. But why is that?
Believe it or not, more often than not, it is due to a lack of understanding and clarity. Low sexual desire in couples can also be a result of them treating sex as an obligation or entitlement.
“Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions.” – Deepak Chopra
Why Couples Stop Having Sex: The Paradox Of Yes In Saying No
By Kyle Benson
Sexual desire is leaving the American bedroom faster than a Kansas tornado will rip apart a house.
Long-term relationships, far too often, experience a dwindling sex life. “Experts” often blame the coals of passion for women; their vanishing libido post-marriage. Their keen focus on raising the little ones while ignoring the man next to them.
The lack of female desire is a profitable industry. Thousands of books, full of “theories” on why women lose desire, fill bookstores.
But can a pill really put women in the mood?
I don’t think so.
The problem is that women (and men) need to feel safe to explore their sexuality. The last thing they need is to feel criticized for saying, “not tonight.” Being human is complex, especially with waves of emotions and desires crashing into our bodies. Being in a relationship is even more complicated; it requires two people to work with each other’s shifting emotional realities, both together and individually.
Far too often, I see a resentful woman with little sexual desire for her partner, married to a resentful man for her lack of desire. For a couple to have sex often, neither partner should meet the other’s “no” with rejection, anger or withdrawal.
Neglecting your partner your love, an emotional connection, or physical contact for saying “no” to sex will make saying “no” easier the next time. Ironically, the partner who was rejected by their partner must offer a positive response back to their partner. This is the paradox of sex in committed relationships.
Let’s Play This Out In Two Scenarios
Meet Chris. Chris loves Lacey. Chris understands that he needs to accept Lacey refusing to have sex tonight, but in his mind, that doesn’t make it okay.
He believes the wedding band on her A ring does not guarantee sex finger means her body is his right. He believes that her refusal denies him the thing he feels entitled to. So Chris tries to convince Lacey, again and again, hoping his next attempt will “push her over the edge.”
Unfortunately, the sexual edge he is pushing her over is not a healthy edge. If she has sex with him, it’s because he couldn’t accept her “no.” This leaves her to resent him. While their genitals may be fornicating, the love and connection in both of them are numb.
If Chris can’t convince her to change her mind, he starts to act like a sad puppy. He sulks, whines, and may even bite her with criticism. He might even ignore her altogether.
Whatever happens, his negative response to her “no” is punishing Lacey. The subcontext of his actions are sending the following message: “It’s not okay for you to say no. It’s not okay for you to be your own person with a desire that doesn’t match mine.”
Obviously, none of this is going to put Lacey in the mood.
In fact, it will do the exact opposite. It will escalate the tension and resentment between them. It will reduce her desire to have sex the next time he asks.
Over time, Lacey turns into a sexually dormant woman. She is emotionally blocking her erotic nature by the wall of her resentment.
“When sex involves all the senses intensely, it can be like a mystical experience.” — Jim Morrison
Let’s Explore an Alternative Reality
As Lacey turns down Chris for sex, Chris accepts it. Just like that. He doesn’t hold a grudge or make up a theory that she is cheating on him. He doesn’t view sex as a right or an expectation he deserves when he wants it. Sex, for both partners, is a choice made every single day. It is not a mandatory obligation.