Is it possible to fix an unhealthy marriage and get that loving feeling back?
Yes, it is possible.
Considering how important relationships are, it’s amazing, really, how often people expect them to simply take care of themselves. Even more so when a relationship has gone the next step to marriage. It seems too many couples forget to focus on the constancy of effort required to make a marriage thrive. They do the upfront work of love to get to marriage. But eventually, they find themselves wondering how to fix an unhealthy marriage.
Once a marriage has eroded to the point of being unhealthy, the idea of falling back in love may seem unattainable. Figuring out how to fix an unhealthy marriage — assuming it’s fixable — is one thing. Getting back into the groove of “that loving feeling” may just be too much to ask.
Or is it?
Consider that 42-45% of first marriages end in divorce, and that percentage increases with each subsequent marriage.
What is it about walking down the aisle that makes those early-love dreams so vulnerable to destruction? Do people not know how to pick the right partners? Do they not know how to be the right partners? Do they take each other and their marriages for granted?
Perhaps they think the work of love will be easy once they have fallen in love because falling is so effortless.
If you’re wondering how to fix an unhealthy marriage, here are some of the most important keys to repairing it.
And the built-in surprise? You won’t just restore the health of your marriage. You’ll also get that loving feeling back.
1. Choose to love, regardless of how you feel.
When you and your spouse were dating, you were probably more aware of how you felt than how you chose. Limerence is so riddled with infatuation hormones that you feel loving and therefore naturally want to act in loving ways.
But little by little the fairy dust wears off, and the choice becomes the determinant of marital success. True love is anchored in loving choices, not necessarily loving feelings. And more often than not, feelings will follow the action.
2. Remember what made you fall in love.
If you are able to look back and smile to remember falling in love with your spouse, your marriage has great hope.
Take a detailed trip down memory lane. Ignore what has happened in your lives since that time and focus on what forged your initial attraction and sustained your connection.
Watch out this interesting video to know how to love and be loved:
3. Stop the negativity.
You can’t get to a better place when your road map is full of anger, sarcasm, criticism, complaining, and other forms of negativity.
Choose to stop and turn around. Even if you don’t know how to fix an unhealthy marriage, at least stop doing what guarantees its failure.
4. Start dating again.
Your spouse, that is.
Too often “life” sneaks in and sucks the energy out of what holds a couple together. “If I start working evenings, we can save toward a bigger house in a few years.” “The kids need…my parents need…my boss expects….” And before you know it, that date night that was once the highlight of your week is a birthday dinner at best.
Now that you have made the choice to love and have reflected on what made you fall in love, it’s time to date. Start over. Recreate your romance. Give those qualities you fell in love with the time and place to express themselves again.
5. Change how you listen.
There was a time when you actually cared about what your partner said. You listened to learn. You weren’t afraid of your partner’s opinions or reactions and weren’t bored by his/her stories.
Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Trust that s/he still has thoughts and ideas worth hearing. Show interest in the minutiae of one another’s day. Seek to learn the nuances of the person you married if you want to fix an unhealthy marriage.
And remember that, if you have evolved over the years, your spouse has, too.
Listen with the intention to learn so that you can chart a new course together.
6. Change how you speak.
Unfortunately, many people don’t consider their personal accountability for how they speak. They “let ‘er rip” and don’t care that the person listening feels the sting of every accusatory, criticizing “you.” “You make me feel,” “you always,” “you never.”
Know the difference between thoughts and feelings. And speak accordingly. Own what comes out of your mind and off your tongue. “I feel sad when….” “I think you don’t care about my career. Is that true?”
By staying centered within yourself, you will spare your spouse the perception of being attacked. You will prevent the need for defensiveness and will foster clear and focused communication that actually gets somewhere.
7. Focus on changing yourself.
“You can’t change anyone else. You can change only yourself.” Sounds simple…until you stop and acknowledge that almost all arguments are about trying to change the other person.
Your goal should be to become the best version of yourself, regardless of what your spouse does.
8. Prioritize your spouse’s happiness over your own.
No, you don’t need to become a martyr or ignore your own happiness.
But if all you do is shift your thinking to “How can I make my beloved happy today?” you will change the course of your marriage.
You may have lost your sense of direction in your marriage. You may wonder how to fix an unhealthy marriage — or if you even can.
The realm of what is possible is grounded in the power of choice. (Click here for additional ways to choose love and help heal your marriage.) The choice to love will determine all the behaviors that follow.
And those new behaviors will lead you back to that loving feeling.
Looking for more ideas for what to do about your unhappy marriage? You’ll find what you’re looking for in Unhappy Marriage.
Dr. Karen Finn is a divorce and life coach. She helps her clients navigate the challenges of divorce – from the moment it enters their mind as a possible solution to the discontent they feel in their marriage (it’s not always the best answer), through the turmoil of getting divorced, and on through creating a fulfilling life post-divorce. You can learn more about Karen and her work on her website.