Growing Through Trauma: How To Not Let A Bad Childhood Define Your Life

Leonardo da Vinci, Isaac Newton and Sigmund Freud are three of the most revered geniuses in human history. They changed the artistic landscape, changed the way we see the universe and even changed the way we see ourselves. However, the one thing that they have in common is they all had terrible childhoods.

A bad start to life can be a grave setback for anyone. As a child, you are often a product of your environment, helpless to any physical and emotional abuse that you are subjected to. Da Vinci, Newton, and Freud are an example to anyone that faced a difficult beginning that it doesn’t have to define you. 

It is a challenge that I have faced myself. Growing up in a home with a frequently absent and near silent father as a result of PTSD after serving in the army and a manic depressive mother, neither myself or my two brothers had a particularly settled existence – although I was lucky to have two loving, albeit flawed parents. In comparison with many people, I had a harmonious childhood.

In spite of the more severe struggles that you may have faced during your upbringing, it is crucial to learn from your experiences and not let them negatively affect the rest of your life. It is a struggle that millions of people around the world contend with every day.

However, there are ways to ensure that the painful experiences that you faced shape you into a better, more empathetic person.

1. Reframe your narrative

Looking back on a miserable or abusive childhood puts you in the position of a helpless victim. It can make you feel unloved and unwanted. This feeling drags you into a cycle of mental self-abuse. However, by placing yourself in your own memory, you can empower yourself.

Instead of feeling helpless, think back to the time when you were a child, then consider how you pushed yourself out of that situation to become the person you are today. The child in your memory ceases to be a victim and becomes a powerful symbol of just how far you’ve come. As Dr. Harold Bloomfield, psychiatrist and author, says ‘you can find value in past adversity, you can neutralize its harmful effects and foster healing.’

2. Reject shame and blame

Shame is a spiral that can be the most difficult of all to recover from. It affects you like no other emotion because it attacks who you are as a human being. Bloomfield describes it as the ‘cancer of the spirit’ as it gives you the feeling that you are undeserving of joy or love.

The shame that exists as a result of a bad childhood leads you to assume that your parents (or guardians) treated you poorly because of who you are, rather than through a fault in them. To counteract the feeling accept that the fault does not lie at your feet.

When you shift the shame from yourself, do not transfer the feelings into blame. Accept the mistakes of your parents. Blame can poison your mind and make you focus on anger, in the same way that shame poisons your spirit. Allowing blame to take over is giving yourself a get out of jail free card because the mistakes you make can be attributed to someone else. Remember that now you’re an adult you’re the master of your destiny!

3. Don’t dwell on regret

One pitfall of letting go of shame and blame is allowing regret to take up a predominant place in our minds. It leaves us thinking what if or if only, neither of which address how to improve your life moving forwards.

Move your thoughts onto the lessons that you learned. Think once more of the version of yourself as a child, think of every lesson you learned from every negative experienced he or she encountered.

Regret will then cease to be negative; it will transform into an understanding of where you have been and how to get where you`re going.

4. Express your emotions

Much of the negative things we think and feel are as a result of deep wounds that we have harbored from childhood. Now that you’re older it is time to address those emotions. Whether you do that by talking them through with friends, seek a psychiatrist, write them down, sing or even paint is unimportant, just make sure you release them.

On days when the weight of the past weighs heavily on your shoulders, try shouting as loud as you can in a wide open space or a room on your own. Visualize the pain as you do it and just allow yourself to feel it before expelling it from your heart and mind.

Katherine Mayfield, an award winning psychiatrist and author, believes that any emotion release benefits her move on from her emotionally abusive childhood.

‘The more you can release your pent-up feelings, the more of the past you’ll clear away.  Go to a sad movie and cry buckets, or whack a bed with a plastic bat—whatever works for you. Releasing emotions releases energy, which you can then use to create a more authentic life.’

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