So you’re a nice guy. Good for you. But there’s a good chance that she will hate your stinking guts for it. There’s a reason why they say ‘nice guys finish last.’ And although your crush says she wants a ‘nice guy’, she doesn’t want anything to do with them. So if you are a nice guy, your crush will hate you for it.
Sounds horrible. Why would a woman hate you for being nice?
Because you’re not just being nice. You’re also being dishonest.
“He’s so good to me,” she says. “And yet, something is off.”
What she’s not saying is, “There’s something I don’t trust in him.”
What is it, that something?
Rewind. It all started as a little boy.
You’re three years old, sitting on the living room carpet. You’re filling in balloons with a crayon in your coloring book. A shrill voice enters from the next room. Something’s wrong. You hear it in her tone.
“Honey, Mommy’s very upset with you!”
Your little boy heart drops. What did I do? You think.
She walks into the room with your cup of milk.
“You didn’t drink all your milk,” she says.
She hands you the milk.
“Go on. Drink it down. Be a good boy.”
Three gulps later, a white mustache lines your upper lip.
“Good boy. Now Mommy’s happy.”
She pats you on the head. Mommy’s happy. You’re happy. You can go back to coloring again.
CUT!!! Wait a minute! What the hell does this have to do with women and being a nice guy?
From early childhood, we were taught to please her.
Like most men, our first most significant female relationship is with our mother. She is our primal connection to life. We came from her womb and have often suckled her breast. From a young age, we learn fast that our job is to please momma.
For the next fifteen years, our brain develops in an ecosystem of “make mommy happy.” And it’s not just her, it’s other women as well.
90% of our school teachers are female and reinforce the importance of making her happy. “Behave yourself” for a boy is code for make me happy.
Absent are the men, teaching us boys how to be in relationship with women. Often they’re emotionally withdrawn. Raised in the same “make momma happy” environment, they don’t want to upset momma either.
So often momma’s not happy with her husband. And you become her surrogate, her “little man.”
Some boys rebel against this unsolicited princedom. They act out, get aggressive. As grown men, they attempt to reclaim their power over women who they couldn’t make happy as a boy – discounting them, abusing them. They’ll do anything to avoid the mother wound.
You, on the other hand, luxuriate in the wound. You love the attention of the female. She redeems you. She defines you. Your desire to please her is so primal that you’ll give yourself away for her.
You’ll do it for as long as you believe you can get what you really want – love, sex, intimacy. And that’s where she senses your dishonesty.
Instead of directly advocating for your needs and desires, you’re nice.
And like her, you know “something’s off.” You feel weak with her. At her mercy. You can never get it right.
At your nadir, she’s a bitch, who complains all the time, even as you do everything to please her. You’re not the asshole who bullies her but sometimes you wish you could be.
Eventually, reality blows up. A big truth eludes you. And that truth is…
…the nice guy is a pathological version of the good boy.
So what’s a nice guy to do? How do you stop her hating you for being a nice guy?
Written by Stuart Motola
Originally appeared in Stuart Motola
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