7 Ways You Can Get Back To Being “In Love”

When you are married for years the romance might fade away a bit. But there are still a few things you can do to get back to being “in love”.

Many of us are spending more time than ever with our partners. So we’ve updated this post from two years ago to help any of you who are struggling with your feelings toward someone with whom you were once far more in love.

Falling in love can turn your world upside down. You feel as if each breath you take away from your new love is painful. Then everything feels right when you’re again together.

But it can feel as if it’s gone.

“I love her, but I’m not in love with her.”

“I don’t remember when I stopped loving him that way. But it’s gone.”

Many remain married for any number of reasons that don’t reflect undying devotion. Money. The kids. Habit. Religious beliefs. Fear of being alone. Fear of what others might think. An addiction to the bitter fighting of an emotional rollercoaster. Or pure inertia.

In trying to help a couple rediscover their bond, I ask this question.

Knowing all the things you know now, why would you marry your partner today?

If you can’t answer that question, it’s pretty likely you aren’t real happy in your marriage.

But it’s not hopeless.

Here are steps you can take. It’s more than worth a shot at trying.

1. If you’re hanging onto resentment, search for forgiveness. You’re the one who will suffer the most from bitterness.

Forgiveness is essential in a long-term relationship. Bitterness is something that kills not just a relationship, but the soul of the person who feels it. If you’re blinded by the past, there’s absolutely no way you can see the effort or the good in the present.

2. If you’ve ignored your relationship, it badly needs your attention. Now. In the present. Not later. Not after the kids are gone. Today.

Have you always put the children or your job first?

This is a common mistake and one that’s easily justified, I need to make money so we can send the kids to college.” “I’m so busy getting the kids to all their activities, I don’t have time to do anything else.” “I’m incredibly tired after working all day.”Sound familiar?

Those are excuses, not reasons to put off tending to your relationship. Marriage can’t take a back seat or it will die a slow death.

Related: Happily Married Men Reveal 21 Secrets For A Happy Marriage

3. If you’re not happy with your own life, work on your self-esteem.

You have to confront things about yourself that perhaps you don’t want to admit. Perhaps the problems don’t have much to too with your partner at all, but you’re blaming them anyway. Maybe you haven’t confronted trauma from your past, or your life isn’t where you thought it would be or you are struggling with getting older.

This is hard to see especially if you become attracted to someone else; then it really gets messy and painful. Affairs are frequently about believing that someone else holds the power to make your life what you have always thought it could be.

Well…guess what? You actually hold that power within yourself; nobody else does.

Comparing your life to others on social media is also a big, big mistake. Social media isn’t reality. As many have said, it’s the highlight reel — not the real movie.

Back To Being “In Love”

4. If you don’t touch each other, literally, it’s time to get back to it. Talk with your partner about reinitiating touch — slowly but with intention.  

Lust/love was new and exciting at first. Now intimacy may be more intentional, scheduled, or it may not be happening at all.

There are plenty of folks who are too worn out from their daily lives to even hold one another platonically, let alone intimately. It may be difficult at first, even embarrassing or clumsy, but it’s possible to rekindle that connection.

Related: 15 Crucial Things You Should Let Go For A Happy Marriage

5. If you haven’t laughed in a long time, find the lighter side of life, and share. Don’t forget you need to play together to stay happily together. 

I’ve listened to many people struggle and fight during a therapy session. But when they can still laugh about something, I feel much more optimistic about whether or not they will make it. There’s something positive between them, a connection that contains a lightness and speaks to a shared history.

All work and no play is no good. And laughter is so much a part of the connection. So watch an old Monty Python movie. Or have a water gunfight. Simply play.

6. If the two of you are passing ships in the night, have at least one common goal (Psst…, not the kids…).

What are the two of you about? Where is your sense of partnership?

It’s pivotal to share something outside of parenting. Whether it’s work in your community, in your culture, in a church, or in your own lives such as a hobby or sport.. working together – making a difference together – is a powerful bonding opportunity. You’ll find common purpose – and that bond feels good.

7. If you’re focused on what’s not there anymore, you’ll miss what is there — the deeper understanding and value of years together. 

Since you’ve been together for a while, you’ve had experiences that have de-romanticized your partner. You’ve seen them really sick. You know that irritating sound that happens when they eat. You can almost imitate the way he blows his nose in the morning. You’ve watched as the other one pouted, got mad over something inconsequential, or seemed to deliberately pick a fight with you.

They’ve lost that rock-star quality because you’ve both been through the nitty-gritty together. Yet the very depth of that shared experience is irreplaceable and far more of a treasure that the rock-star glam. But it can’t be new again. It simply can’t.

Related: What Is Your Love Language? Take This 6 Question Quiz To Find Out

So, what would cause you to marry your partner all over again? Even knowing what you know now?

I hope you find answers that warm your heart.

Check out Dr. Margaret Rutherford’s bestselling book Perfectly Hidden Depression on Amazon. Her book will be translated into seven different languages and will be available this year.


Written by Margaret Rutherford
Originally Appeared In Dr. Margaret Rutherford

When you married your spouse, you did so because you were head over heels in love with them. Yes, years of marriage can put a dent on the romance, and excitement, but if you genuinely love your spouse, you can go back to being “in love” with them; you just have to put in a little effort.

Ways Get Back Being In Love Pin

Published On:

Last updated on:

Dr. Margaret R Rutherford

Dr. Margaret Rutherford, a clinical psychologist, has practiced for twenty-six years in Fayetteville, Arkansas. Earning the 2009 Arkansas Private Practitioner of the Year award for her volunteer work at a local free health clinic, she began blogging and podcasting in 2012 to destigmatize mental illness and educate the public about therapy and treatment. With her compassionate and common-sense style, her work can be found at https://DrMargaretRutherford.com, as well as HuffPost, Psych Central, Psychology Today, The Mighty, The Gottman Blog and others. She hosts a weekly podcast, The SelfWork Podcast with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. And her new book, Perfectly Hidden Depression: How to Break Free from the Perfectionism that Masks Your Depression, is published by New Harbinger and available at Amazon, Barnes, and Noble or your local bookstore.

Disclaimer: The informational content on The Minds Journal have been created and reviewed by qualified mental health professionals. They are intended solely for educational and self-awareness purposes and should not be used as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are experiencing emotional distress or have concerns about your mental health, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional or healthcare provider.

Leave a Comment

Today's Horoscope

Latest Quizzes

How To Eat A Sandwich: Cool Personality Quiz With 3 Options

How To Eat A Sandwich: The Next Bite Personality Test

Can we figure out your big personality secret based on which part of a sandwich you’d bite next? Only one way to know!

Latest Quotes

Weekly Horoscope 16 June To 22 June part one

Weekly Horoscope 16 June To 22 June

Weekly Horoscope 16 June To 22 June Aries (March 21 – April 19)Focus sharpens as Mars enters Virgo. Your daily routines get a revamp. Midweek brings a push to act with purpose. By the weekend, mood swings may cloud decisions, rest and reset. Taurus (April 20 – May 20)Creative plans take form through practical effort…

Readers Blog

Caption This Image and Selected Wisepicks – 15 June 2025

Ready to unleash your inner wordsmith? ✨??☺️ Now’s your chance to show off your wit, charm, or sheer genius in just one line! Whether it’s laugh-out-loud funny or surprisingly deep, we want to hear it. Submit your funniest, wittiest, or most thought-provoking caption in the comments. We’ll pick 15+ winners to be featured on our…

Latest Articles

When you are married for years the romance might fade away a bit. But there are still a few things you can do to get back to being “in love”.

Many of us are spending more time than ever with our partners. So we’ve updated this post from two years ago to help any of you who are struggling with your feelings toward someone with whom you were once far more in love.

Falling in love can turn your world upside down. You feel as if each breath you take away from your new love is painful. Then everything feels right when you’re again together.

But it can feel as if it’s gone.

“I love her, but I’m not in love with her.”

“I don’t remember when I stopped loving him that way. But it’s gone.”

Many remain married for any number of reasons that don’t reflect undying devotion. Money. The kids. Habit. Religious beliefs. Fear of being alone. Fear of what others might think. An addiction to the bitter fighting of an emotional rollercoaster. Or pure inertia.

In trying to help a couple rediscover their bond, I ask this question.

Knowing all the things you know now, why would you marry your partner today?

If you can’t answer that question, it’s pretty likely you aren’t real happy in your marriage.

But it’s not hopeless.

Here are steps you can take. It’s more than worth a shot at trying.

1. If you’re hanging onto resentment, search for forgiveness. You’re the one who will suffer the most from bitterness.

Forgiveness is essential in a long-term relationship. Bitterness is something that kills not just a relationship, but the soul of the person who feels it. If you’re blinded by the past, there’s absolutely no way you can see the effort or the good in the present.

2. If you’ve ignored your relationship, it badly needs your attention. Now. In the present. Not later. Not after the kids are gone. Today.

Have you always put the children or your job first?

This is a common mistake and one that’s easily justified, I need to make money so we can send the kids to college.” “I’m so busy getting the kids to all their activities, I don’t have time to do anything else.” “I’m incredibly tired after working all day.”Sound familiar?

Those are excuses, not reasons to put off tending to your relationship. Marriage can’t take a back seat or it will die a slow death.

Related: Happily Married Men Reveal 21 Secrets For A Happy Marriage

3. If you’re not happy with your own life, work on your self-esteem.

You have to confront things about yourself that perhaps you don’t want to admit. Perhaps the problems don’t have much to too with your partner at all, but you’re blaming them anyway. Maybe you haven’t confronted trauma from your past, or your life isn’t where you thought it would be or you are struggling with getting older.

This is hard to see especially if you become attracted to someone else; then it really gets messy and painful. Affairs are frequently about believing that someone else holds the power to make your life what you have always thought it could be.

Well…guess what? You actually hold that power within yourself; nobody else does.

Comparing your life to others on social media is also a big, big mistake. Social media isn’t reality. As many have said, it’s the highlight reel — not the real movie.

Back To Being “In Love”

4. If you don’t touch each other, literally, it’s time to get back to it. Talk with your partner about reinitiating touch — slowly but with intention.  

Lust/love was new and exciting at first. Now intimacy may be more intentional, scheduled, or it may not be happening at all.

There are plenty of folks who are too worn out from their daily lives to even hold one another platonically, let alone intimately. It may be difficult at first, even embarrassing or clumsy, but it’s possible to rekindle that connection.

Related: 15 Crucial Things You Should Let Go For A Happy Marriage

5. If you haven’t laughed in a long time, find the lighter side of life, and share. Don’t forget you need to play together to stay happily together. 

I’ve listened to many people struggle and fight during a therapy session. But when they can still laugh about something, I feel much more optimistic about whether or not they will make it. There’s something positive between them, a connection that contains a lightness and speaks to a shared history.

All work and no play is no good. And laughter is so much a part of the connection. So watch an old Monty Python movie. Or have a water gunfight. Simply play.

6. If the two of you are passing ships in the night, have at least one common goal (Psst…, not the kids…).

What are the two of you about? Where is your sense of partnership?

It’s pivotal to share something outside of parenting. Whether it’s work in your community, in your culture, in a church, or in your own lives such as a hobby or sport.. working together – making a difference together – is a powerful bonding opportunity. You’ll find common purpose – and that bond feels good.

7. If you’re focused on what’s not there anymore, you’ll miss what is there — the deeper understanding and value of years together. 

Since you’ve been together for a while, you’ve had experiences that have de-romanticized your partner. You’ve seen them really sick. You know that irritating sound that happens when they eat. You can almost imitate the way he blows his nose in the morning. You’ve watched as the other one pouted, got mad over something inconsequential, or seemed to deliberately pick a fight with you.

They’ve lost that rock-star quality because you’ve both been through the nitty-gritty together. Yet the very depth of that shared experience is irreplaceable and far more of a treasure that the rock-star glam. But it can’t be new again. It simply can’t.

Related: What Is Your Love Language? Take This 6 Question Quiz To Find Out

So, what would cause you to marry your partner all over again? Even knowing what you know now?

I hope you find answers that warm your heart.

Check out Dr. Margaret Rutherford’s bestselling book Perfectly Hidden Depression on Amazon. Her book will be translated into seven different languages and will be available this year.


Written by Margaret Rutherford
Originally Appeared In Dr. Margaret Rutherford

When you married your spouse, you did so because you were head over heels in love with them. Yes, years of marriage can put a dent on the romance, and excitement, but if you genuinely love your spouse, you can go back to being “in love” with them; you just have to put in a little effort.

Ways Get Back Being In Love Pin

Published On:

Last updated on:

Dr. Margaret R Rutherford

Dr. Margaret Rutherford, a clinical psychologist, has practiced for twenty-six years in Fayetteville, Arkansas. Earning the 2009 Arkansas Private Practitioner of the Year award for her volunteer work at a local free health clinic, she began blogging and podcasting in 2012 to destigmatize mental illness and educate the public about therapy and treatment. With her compassionate and common-sense style, her work can be found at https://DrMargaretRutherford.com, as well as HuffPost, Psych Central, Psychology Today, The Mighty, The Gottman Blog and others. She hosts a weekly podcast, The SelfWork Podcast with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. And her new book, Perfectly Hidden Depression: How to Break Free from the Perfectionism that Masks Your Depression, is published by New Harbinger and available at Amazon, Barnes, and Noble or your local bookstore.

Leave a Comment

    Leave a Comment